To ask for help with 12 year old DD and how not to fat shame her

They might have been brutal but the amount of overweight people were very few

Fat is fabulous gave us a generation of people who will have life long issues and will shorten their lifespan because of their weight.

The celebs who based their persona on how fat they were have money to pay personal trainers and chefs to help them lose weight, which is something they have done

The fans are left battling a body that is no longer cool and facing years of ill health or paying for fat loss meds

A 12 probably is big for a 5ft4 person. How tall are you? She probably has a couple of inches to grow still so maybe will be ok after that?

I don't want to quote post your whole post 5128gap, it seems rude.
When I was 11 in the 80s, I first heard of 'the perfect 10', which in those days was a 24 inch waist.
I want to gently say that if OP gets the bigger size dance dress for DD and removes the tags, it isn't the same as your experience.
The OP needs quick solution to the dance outfit because her DD doesn't fit it. She wants to help her and not make any big deal of it.
Also, The 80s and 90s were brutal for women.

Absolutely. There was great advice given already on healthy eating habits. I just wanted to pick up on the clothes size part. When I was 11 in the 80s, I first heard of 'the perfect 10', which in those days was a 24 inch waist. For some reason, that really stuck. I slimmed down naturally a year or so later, and the elation of 'achieving' that size 10 was so powerful.
I'm 56 now, and I still feel 'fat' if my waist is over 25 inches. I'm a sensible woman, yet I can't shake it. Anything bigger than that old size 10, and I'm not good enough. How daft is that?

I'm reading with interest because I relate so much. Ds is 12, autistic and overweight. It's been a gradual increase and some friends I mentioned my concerns to said its typical to lay down fat just before a spurt. But he has had a spurt now and his appetite went through the roof and he still has a big belly.

I am so afraid of fat shaming. But I think it would be worse to not address it. I was tubby and my sister was very overweight as a child. No one was ever allowed mention weight and my parents watched us balloon us for fear of upsetting us. I understand it was tricky, my Dsis still talks about the time Mum fat shamed her and how she resents it. As far as I can tell Mum tried to talk to her once about her issues, and it was maybe too late. I think ideally we could talk openly about our bodies and weight and fitness and understand that it's normal to gain occasionally and then you need to make changes to get back to healthy. As far as I can see that's what healthy normal families do. But i don't know, I feel I'm getting it wrong and because I have never really gotten my own weight under control I am not in a position to talk to anyone and I'm failing as a role model. I hate that DS could be inflicted with a lifetime of being fat like me.

I was an over weight child and early teenager. Forever greatful to my DM trying the 'we are doing healty eating together' story. That really helped and we bonded with it. My DM was very kind and sensitive about it all. I'm so sorry that you had an obsession with not being overweight, it really is a struggle.

How tall is she? I was my adult height at 12.
What medication is she on? Perhaps other mumsnetters might have experience

For my own teens iv just stopped having crap in the house. Theres fruit, veg sticks, yogurt they can help themselves. Anything else they have to ask s they might be part of meals we are going to make.

Mum of an overweight autistic dd here. My suggestion is you have a gentle, straightforward discussion.

You have noticed that she has put on some weight. You are concerned for her health and would like to make sure she has the support she needs to be healthy. I told my DD that I know her autism makes her diet difficult and that this is an extra reason to be aware of other health factors (weight, skin condition, blood pressure). We visited the doctor for blood tests (showed she was very anaemic and needed iron) - resulting in low energy levels and therefore less active, so weight gain. Early teenager hood is also fraught with hormonal changes which can increase appetite. She needs to be aware of this so she can manage it. Her autism means she needs extra support to keep her physical health in check.

She might not like it - my DD initially kicked off about fat shaming but I held the line on the health and well-being being at increased risk due to ND.

How does she see herself?

You mention rigid thinking, I am just cautioning remaining neutral about food if this is the case.

Slim woman, overweight child. Life long obsession with not getting fat because of internalising that it was bad to be bigger.

My daughter is 17, and is also autistic. She has always been quite particular when it comes to food. Over the past year or so her appetite has massively increased and she is constantly craving carbs and sugary treats. Lately we have been trying to limit her to 3 sweet treats/puddings per week, and 2 fizzy drinks per week, with the odd exception. It's been going fairly well. I think part of her large appetite is to do with sensory issues- she says she constantly feels the need to chew. She has been chewing gum a lot recently to stop her from snacking all of the time.
Also remember to have her drink plenty of water as dehydration can also make a person feel hungry. If, like my DD, she forgets to drink, you can set reminders and maybe help her pick out a nice water bottle to encourage her to drink more, with sections to show how much she has drunk.
Maybe see if there are any healthy snacks that she might like? I know it can be really difficult to find new foods when it comes to Autism but my DD really likes hummus with bread sticks, carrots and ham.
Keep in mind that it's quite normal for tweens/teenagers to gain wait as their body prepares for puberty. That may well be why she is more hungry than usual. Has she started her periods?
I wouldn't completely cut out sugar from her life because she will likely struggle a lot with this and might try and sneak it from somewhere else. Instead, limit intake, maybe make a special (healthy) snack draw that she can choose from anytime. We found that routine is very important for my DD (breakfast, mid morning snack if she wants it, lunch, afternoon snack if she wants it, dinner, and then a healthy snack or pudding before bed). She gets quite disregulated if two of her meals are merged (i.e. brunch).

Good luck and get in touch with your GP if you are worried or things don't improve as they may be able to give some professional advice or good strategies to use.

How tall is she? I was pretty much my full height by 12, around 5ft9. Although not a size 12 at that age I do sometimes by tgat size in tops as an adult and I'm pretty slim. Maybe it's not as bad as you think?

Otherwise Id focus on get rid of things in her diet that have unecessary calories that you can use other reasons for. Juice or sugary drinks -concerned about teeth, mayonaise/ketchup/squash/sweets/biscuits/ anything ready made - trying to cut down on upfs. I'm sure you can think of other non-weight related reasons for other stuff.

Buy the bigger costume - clothes are made to fit bodies, the issue is the clothes not the body.
Talk to the doctor if you think the medication is the cause
Change diet for the whole family - just don't buy the snack foods and prepare healthy meals for everyone.

If you feel it’s medication contributing have you fed this back to the prescribing Dr ?
have you tried not keeping the sugary bingeable foods in the house ?
this is what I have to do (for me!) you sound like such a kind mother, good luck

There's a lot going on here.

I doubt she has 'literally quadrupled in size". If she has, obviously you need medical intervention immediately - but your response to her weight gain seems emotional and hyperbolic, to be blunt.

I'd personally rather my daughter wasn't wearing any garment that risked "compromising her dignity" regardless of dress size.

Size 10 is quite small. Being larger than a size 10 doesn't make her grotesquely obese.

But yeah, for now but the bigger leotard, cut the tags out. Help her manage her diet, to the best of your and her abities.

But also maybe address now you feel, and talk, about food and weight, yourself?

Are you slim, have you struggled with weight? It is so hard to be overweight as a teenager and then an adult.

Yes, this. Seeing larger clothes sizes as bad and shameful is a very adult woman perspective, and needs to be stamped out hard for the next generation. For this reason I don't agree with cutting out the label. She'll know the new leotard is bigger, and I wouldn't want to message that bigger sizes are something to be hidden because they're 'wrong'. Tell her the leotard is wrong, not her body, and you're getting her a leotard that's right.

Can you get her to do more of her dancing? That sounds like it would be the best thing for her.

This doesn’t have to be about weight / shape or size. It’s a simple matter of fits or not. You’d insist on properly fitting shoes wouldn’t you? So you insist on getting a properly fitting leotard.

No shaming, no equating size with value. Just practical facts. This one doesn’t fit, this one does.

Okay, if it won’t go on then yes I agree say nothing and just buy the bigger size without tags as others have said.

There is no easy way to navigate but have posted a thread that may be useful.

Either way, try not to worry about it too much. Just focus on modelling health. You can’t get it right all the time as long as she knows you love and support her and that’s more
important than her weight then that’s what matters.

Agree except not sizing up.

Dont make a big deal of it or mention it but having clothes that fit is so much better for self confidence than feeling like you’re squeezing into everything you’re trying to wear