Child not invited to party despite being friendst with the mum

I wouldn't be offering this woman any more help. Can't have it both ways.

Out of all my children this happened more often with my daughter rather than my son's, girls can be very snobby when it comes to their birthdays and like another poster said it's like a currency, my daughter used to come home in tears saying all the girls from her friendship group used to talk about the party and as she wasn't invited she was excluded from all that. Then after the party they would talk about it for possibly a week after, that meant the ones that are not invited are normally excluded for about 3 weeks, it's not fair and it's upsetting.
The same issue then happened with my daughter's best friend as they had a falling out and even though their was an invitation for my daughter her friend decided not to give it to her and held it over her like some kind of ransom, my daughter was very upset and was about 8 or 9 at the time, so I said that we should still go shopping and buy her friend a gift for her birthday and she can give it to her on the Friday before her party, my daughter gave her friend the present and card and then the girl said she was now invited, my daughter then declined the invite and I was so proud of her as she finally stood up for herself, I think the lessons sometimes come from our children instead.

It's so difficult! Although your friend's child seems to be quite mean about it.

We had space for 12 at this year's party. Similar age to you. Dilemmas I faced were -

1. DC not wanting to invite anyone from outside of school. Awkward because that wrote off all the children we know via NCT who all invited DC to their parties.

1. DC not wanting to invite a boy who she likes and told last year, after not inviting him last year, that he'd be invited this year.

1. Inviting only two girls from a close group of three because the third one "is mean to me". But the week after the party, apparently they really like each other now 🙄

1. Wanting to invite someone we both like, and like the Mum, but unfortunately was nr 13 on the list 😢

I remember as a child someone at school using "if you don't, I won't invite you to my party" to pressure me in to doing naughty stuff. And then didn't invite me anyway. A life lesson.

I know it's hard not to take it personally but there could be all sorts of reasons and it certainly doesn't mean the Mum doesn't like you or value your friendship.

YANBU and it's only human to feel upset or dissappointed. It's a mystery why people do the things they do. I suggest you do you let your child know that sometimes in life things happen that we don't have explanations for. Arrange something nice to do wiyh your child that day and move on.

And if you receive a late invite, don't accept it BECAUSE you will have plans.

I had a good friend and we both had daughters in the same class in school. They got on fine when her mum and I got together socially but didn’t bother with each other in school which both my friend and I found surprising.
It did mean that come birthday parties where only a certain amount of girls could come, my daughter ( or hers) wouldn’t get an invitation.
I think it’s important not to confuse your friendship with the mother with your daughter’s friendship with the daughter. Your daughter is not an extension of you.

Also it’s just not getting worked up about kids power struggles. Kids esp girls are constantly changing their allegiances and while you are having it out with their mother over some real or imagined slight, they have become bffs and are skipping along while you and the mother are giving each other daggers 😅

You’re not crazy and I’d feel the same as you in that situation. At age 6 the mums do all the arranging and if the kids are friendly enough for this mum to accept play dates, they’re friendly enough for yours to be invited to a large party that has room to spare - whether her kid has personally requested it or not. I definitely wouldn’t ask for an invite but I’d step back from that one, she sounds like a user. It happens unfortunately!

I just don’t agree with this, the op is not the one being invited, she has no reason to be hurtl, her daughter is not entitled to an invite as the mums are friends. If anyone makes their child’s social life theirs they are in for a world of pain.

This.

The said child’s mum didn’t have to invite your child but one would think given your relationship with her and both kids are in the same class, she would have asked her child if she is going to invite your dd. And it seems the other child doesn’t like yours ( based on her boasting that they have more spaces but don’t want to invite dd), mum could have given a kind excuse to you acknowledging that your child was not invited.

But seems like she wasn’t even curious enough to ask her dd if yours is invited or she knew the reason ( her child not wanting yours) but didn’t bother to even give a kind explanation to you. So either ways she does not care much about yours or DD’s feelings. Sounds like this mum has a one sided friendship with you.

But this is coming from a 5 year old. It may not be quite what was said!
There might not be extra spaces, the mum might have said they could only invite so many friends from school to save space for family/friends from outside school. This could easily be misinterpreted by the children on either side.

The only reason OP is getting a ‘hard time’ - i.e. some responses that offer different though constructive and helpful perspectives - is that she is absolutely entrenched in a ‘my way or the highway’ attitude with her insistence that EVERYONE must organise children’s parties in precisely the way she would, otherwise they are BAD PEOPLE.

She is taking nothing on board from other suggestions at all, just telling people they’re wrong because they don’t do things exactly the same way she does. So why bother asking the question?

It’s a classic example of ‘AIBU?’ ‘Yes you are but here are some helpful ideas and perspectives’. ‘No I am not and you’re all horrible!’

Somewhat exasperating.

I see this a lot on here, your words you wouldn’t have done that to them, indicates you feel this was done to you. But it wasn’t. You are not the child. You are not the invitee, it is not the mums party it is her daughter. She is allowed to let her daughter chose who she invites. And you need to do the same with your child.

youre making it about you, and you’re going to have a real hard time going forward if you try to make your social circle based on school mums and think invites for your child are about or for you. You need to separate yourself here.

But the child has told OP’s kid that they have extra spaces but they don’t want to invite her.

Having been through the whole Primary school experience with 4 kids, I look back and wonder why I spent so much time and effort cultivating friendships, doing play dates and trying to form friendships with other mums!

When the kids start Secondary school, all those friendships can change in an instant and the parents you thought were friends/close acquaintances, you never hear from again if their child and yours have a minor falling out or even just make different friends. It's all very childish and it really does make you see people in a new light. In my experience very few school gate relationships turn into actual friendships - over 20 years of doing school runs, I've made 3 genuine friends that haven't relied on our dc also bring friends. I did meet a lot of women who were quite happy to ask for childcare help or support when their dc were struggling but were nowhere to be seen when their issues were resolved - some people are users and you've been given a heads up that this woman may fit into that category.

Fwiw, I think other mum is rude not to reciprocate with an invitation, having taken her child to your child's parties. But view it as a fortuitous sign that she isn't someone you can really be friends with, before you invest waste any more time on her. Don't arrange any further play dates or offer support.

I think I'd ask the school to just keep an eye on how my child was interacting with others, but leave it at that. This party will soon be over and done with and the kids will forget about it. Agree with pp not to make it a big deal to your child and to have a fun day with her instead.

It is ok to feel sad for your daughter but I’d also warn you about attributing adult emotions to very little children. Since my DC1 started school I’ve been really suprised at how many parents look at some little kids with such angry and upset if they feel their own child has been slighted. Children need the opportunity to feel things out, to test emotional and social boundaries and get a chance to sort these things out between them without adult interference. What I’ve also noted is that kids forget things very quickly whereas parents seem to keep hold of these supposed slights for much longer.

So now it’s ’She should have invited my child to her party to facilitate a possible future friendship’? These children are six, OP. Stop trying to social engineer your child’s social life out of your own evident insecurity. The absolute best thing you can do for your child’s social life is to stop confusing it with yours.

6 year old girls fall out all the time

Maybe they fell out that day and the birthday child decided to withold the invitation

I think you’re getting quite a hard time on here OP and you don’t deserve that.

I completely agree with you - I think it’s very odd to not invite your child. I’d write the invite out myself to your child if I was the other Mum and made sure that they got it. I’m not a pushy Mum at all but I would be upset over this.

I’m very friendly with one of the school Mum’s (kids in same class but not particularly best friends though they like each other) and we always ensure that they are invited to each others parties. I would find it strange if he suddenly wasn’t invited anymore.

Lots of harsh replies on here. I certainly wouldn’t say anything to the mum, but I can see why you are upset, especially as the birthday child has said to your child’s face that she doesn’t want her there. They are only young, but know if they are being mean at that age. I would start to step back a bit, but that’s just me.

As others have said, friendships are fluid, you can't always invite everyone. If you constantly do the they invited you so you must invite them you would be stuck in a trap of always inviting the same children, even if they aren't friends. If one child has a September birthday you can't expect them to necessarily be invited to someone's birthday in May as the friendships might have now changed.

You obviously have a bigger issue behind your upset, but it doesn't sound like your child is fussed which is the main thing.

We don't have the relevant information though to give a balanced opinion. You obviously know there could be something else in the mix, but can't say what it is, so this is all a bit difficult really.

It's not nice when our kids are left out, but sometimes it's more painful for us than them. You just have to make the best of it and move on I'm afraid.

@dual90 I’ve been on mumsnet years and have a child that’s gone right through primary school. I used to be surprised by threads like this as well but you can only conclude that some people are selfish and don’t give a shit.

I think children’s friendships are often fairly fluid at this age. They fall in and out of friendships all the time and as pp have said a lot of it can be to do with sorting out a ‘pecking order’ and parties are often a bit of a power play. Maybe the party girl took umbrage at something your dd did, or didn’t do, or say, maybe she’s jealous of her for some reason, maybe they are just not really friends, other than through your friendship with the mother. I wouldn’t give it any more thought.
It happened the other way round to me. I must have been about 7 and had been invited to a party, but the party girl said to one of her best friends, in front of me, “I didn’t want to invite her, but my Mum said I had to.” 😁
I’d just be matter of fact and tell your daughter that there are all sorts of reasons people get, or don’t get, invited to parties, and not to worry about it.

Our school has a really good approach that unless you’re inviting the whole class, don’t bring the invites into school. We always do whole class, err on side of inclusivity, check if siblings need to come etc. and thankfully a lot of other parents have similar mind frame. It’s so hard when your child feels hurt but talk it through with him, use it as an opportunity to explore what a good friendship is and then do something lovely with him. I would probably pull back a little from my friendship with the mom as realistically at six she could have shaped the invitations slightly and chose not to.

Yeah? Maybe they’re exploring new friendships with other children at the moment. That would comply with your policy would it not?

Honestly, it’s just one party, let it go. This will be harder when they’re older - when it will happen.