13-Month Old Shows No Attachment to Parents - Is This Normal?

@Lilly212
I hope you and your little one are doing well. If you don't mind me asking, how is he doing now?

I’d say not normal from my experience.

@Lilly212 I think your time, energy and finances would be better spent on getting yourself some help with your anxiety and maybe taking a parenting class/studying a bit of child development.

It is too soon to say whether your child is neurotypical or not, from what you've described it could go either way. There is nothing in what you say that screams neurodivergent, but as other people have told you there often aren't clear signs at 13 months old. What will hinder development though is having parents stricken with anxiety and having everything that they do/don't do being viewed through the lens of diagnosis, being taken to multiple doctors for assessments and so on. Babies and children pick up on the energy in the home, I would strongly suggest you start making yours a little bit more relaxed.

Hi
I hope you and your little one are doing well. If you don't mind me asking, how is he doing now?

That is healthy attachment behaviour.

Have you ever left him with a stranger? For example settling into a childminder etc? My baby hadn't been and at 11 months when I left him he suddenly realised we COULD go and that's when the attachment started to show. He is super attached he just doesn't show it until he realises we are all going. He's fine when left if his brother is there, or if one of us comes and goes, but all three? Suddenly the attachment appears.

I have a 13month old. I'd say you're is definitely different to mine but that's not to say there is anything wrong.

Mine will independently play for bit and loves exploring new spaces. He's happy enough if we walk off but very excited to see up come back and will actively walk to the door if he hears us and for his siblings and grandparents.

He will often come up to us for cuddles and live to just sit on us for a bit before going off playing again. He brings things to show us and wants us to play with him and chatters away a lot.

My teenager is autistic. He was always very placid. Never really went through the clingy phase. On the other hand my neuro typical child oh my god he’s 7 and still is really clingy. It’s likely just his personality

This is my thoughts too. He sounds similar to
my daughter. She didn’t cry when I left her, but she was always happy to see me. She had a secure attachment- it means they are comfortable to be left knowing you will come back for them.

I spent most of my time with my daughter, and she barely turned her head when her dad came home - only showing an interest in him when she turned 2.

She’s 9 now and still very much prefers me. We are still close but she’s always been content to be away from me too - never cried going into school, or when she started preschool (late, at 3.5 years). She knows I’ll be back to get her - this is what makes a secure attachment.

Hopefully your boy is the same. It makes life a lot easier!

Everything you describe sounds perfectly normal to me. He’s a baby, not a 30 year old. You need to have developmentally appropriate expectations for him. He won’t be responding to you like an adult would. If you’ve already seen so many specialists at only 13 months old, I think this indicates the issue is more a matter of health anxiety. Can you get yourself to the doctor for some support?

I wonder whether it’s just because he’s happy and content and always in a stable environment, so a need for him to be clingy just doesn’t arise. He does seem to show some attachment to you by wanting to be picked up and going to you when he’s upset. But generally everything in his world is ok to him so he’s just happy to bumble along. I wouldn’t worry too much at the moment but just keep observing him.

My DGS showed no signs of autism at your DS's age. The first clue was when he started walking and it was on tip toes. He then wouldn't answer to his name and as he had glue ear we assumed he couldn't hear us, but once he'd had surgery and was still the same, it was a red flag. He is severely autistic, went to a special school and now unable to ever work as he is unemployable. Your DS is too young for any diagnosis. DGS was two and a half when he was given a firm diagnosis.

attachment is unrelated to autism

your baby sounds normal and like he is doing just fine.

you don't need to worry about this or keep taking him to see doctors.

Just let him grow and develop and things will be OK.

I wouldn't trust any expert that can 'confidently rule out autism' at 13 months old. That's impossible.

But that doesn't mean that your child is necessarily autistic... just that it's too early to discount the possibility completely.

When you say they show no attachment, what does that look like to you?

As long as they were hitting their milestones, a lack of separation anxiety wouldn't overly concern me, neither would being generally confident around strangers.

But if they never sought comfort from you (e.g. if they never reach for you when hurt or upset) or show very little interest in interacting with you, that's something I'd keep an eye on.

My DD was never obsessed with me in the way I'd seen some of my friends babies be with their mums. I fretted over it a little bit, thinking there was something wrong or I wasn't parenting well enough, but honestly I look back and I can see she was just a content, secure baby. Sometimes secure attachment can manifest itself almost like indifference because they know you'll always be there, always come back etc and just your presence is a comfort even if you aren't holding them. Even know at 4 I don't get the whole running to the door to hug me when I get home from work thing, just a rather indifferent 'Hi Mummy' and back to whatever she was doing.

My friend has 3 children and the elder 2 were like my daughter whereas her youngest was completely obsessed with her to the point that if they were in the same room she had to be holding her/sitting her on her knee, dad and other family couldn't settle her etc. All 3 were parented the same way just showed attachment differently. All 3 are older now and happy healthy kids!

He sounds like he's immediately soothed by you picking him up and his happy to go back to being his curious self again? And he's showing joint attention with the pointing, engaging you in his play - these are definite green flags. It's too early to call autism or rule it out, but you know your child and if you think there are signs then definitely keep an eye out but I'm not sure I'd be too worried yet based on what you've said so far.

DD was not a clingy baby. She started nursery 5 days a week 8-6 at nearly a year old. She never cried when we left her and starting school didn’t bother her either. My friends had very cuddly children, but it’s only now that my daughter is 9 that she wants cuddles from me (and only when she can’t be seen by others). I don’t have any concerns about her, she just likes to be independent

My daughter was like this at this age and I remember being concerned. She's 4.5 now and I'm pretty sure it's just her personality. She doesn't really enjoy physical affection unless on her terms and can appear 'standoffish' even to family members she knows well. She does love me, her Dad and her brother, she just expresses it in different ways. She is more physically affectionate now that she was when she was 1 or 2 but to her, comfortable affection is playing with her, singing together, making a cake, sharing food... I'm not sure if that's considered 'normal' or not but she's a happy child and is developing just fine.

He sounds like a normal 13 month old to me. If he didn’t engage with you at all then I’d be concerned but he sounds curious and interested in his surroundings. By all means keep an eye on it but I wouldn’t be worried about him right now.

I would look at the MCHAT checklist as well and keep that list in mind for when he is old enough. We were told by a few clinicians that they had no developmental concerns for our two dc but ultimately they are both clearly autistic and have been dx.

I think op you might be noticing subtle things and he attachment thing you mention definitely sounds unusual. My dc are both autistic but neither did what you are describing of your dc.

I would buy the Hannah book it takes two to talk which is an early intervention book for autistic toddlers/preschoolers and take a similar approach to that. I am sure you do lots of playing and floor time with him and that is of course very important for them.

Is his carer good while you are working? Does she spend time interacting 1:1 at his level (floor time) and doing activities?

He sounds fine to me op, I’ve been a nanny for over 15 years and they vary such a lot at that age. The fact that the social skills are strong is great, but I feel you’re confusing what a secure attachment is with crying when left, and some of them just aren’t really like that at that age. It’s always good to be aware of milestones and markers but try not to get too caught up in it all.

Does he show preference for you/his dad over other people. For example if a friend or family member comes to visit would he mind being left with them when you leave the room? How does he sleep?

My siblings child was almost indifferent to who looked after him. Even as a young baby didn't seem to be particularly interested in people e.g. no eye gaze following them around the room. Didn't really notice people coming and going until taught to wave.

You sound really worried and dragging him to a lot of clinicians. Honestly if I were you I’d dial it back and just enjoy him. He sounds like a chilled happy baby. He may or may not have something and it’s always worth keeping an eye on him but at the moment it doesn’t sound concerning at all, it’s maybe just personality. Just try to enjoy him and if something is there (and every chance there is nothing) it will show up in time.

I understand that’s easier said than not but what he needs most is a mother who’s engaging with him (which I’m sure you are).

you sound very concerned about this but tbh there’s a massive range in how children of this age present. My children weren’t massively clingy, they slept in their own cots (moved them out of our room at 12 months) they were still bf until much older but didn’t need to physically be attached to us as parents all the time. I was back at work when they were still babies so I don’t know if that made a difference. No attachment issues and as adults they have great, close relationships with dh and me and with others. Some babies are more relaxed and don’t necessarily respond in a fixed way to strangers or new situations.
Remember, a secure attachment isn’t a child physically wanting to be with you all the time, it’s a child who is comfortable in a range of situations precisely because they have a secure bond with the key people in their life