Arguing with husband over finances

Not sure if I’m being really ungrateful or if I need to set boundaries?

Neither. You need to demolish the boundary between your money and his.
All money should be joint, except a small amount for personal spends.

Ideally, all income from all sources goes into a joint current account, from which you each get transferred a few hundred (at most) into your personal current accounts for spending as you wish. The joint account is for all household and child costs, and any excess gets put in a joint savings account.

As he is self-employed, he will need another separate account as his business account, but he should only keep a reasonable cash flow in there, and the surplus should be transferred to the joint account.

If he won't agree to having a joint account, he is not a keeper. He fundamentally does not see you both as a "married unit together". He sees himself as separate - which is fine for him but doesn't work for you or his baby. He is ignoring all those vows about what is his is yours (and vice versa), sharing until death, etc. He is fundamentally selfish.

Get yourself back to work ASAP and prepare for the potential end of the marriage.

Work at least part time and agree he pays half childcare or u leave if Yr married u will be entitled to half his savings fuck him

You are on ML which implies you have a job to go back to - for heaven's sake do it!

Thats all fine. Except the OP has a partner who is also the father of this child and is not paying half of childcare costs for said child because the OP is on ML, but being an arse about something for their child thats £77- I'm not reading 'partnership' in that situation.

.

You are providing the childcare which allows him to work and provide the money.

While you're on mat leave and while you're a SAHP potentially after that, "his" money is family money. Your child and you both are provided for from that.

You need a huge rethink of finances. And I'm not sure how you go about the practicalities of this as he appears to think it's his money.

If the money isn't coming in, he needs to use his savings too. As a family you can't have the "luxury" of separate finances if one parent isn't earning. It's family money.

I think you should go back to work. He’s shown what he will be like if you’re a SAHM.

Valid point and happens a lot unfortunately but can be managed. Savings should be held separately in equal amounts although there may be tax reasons or managing child benefit withdrawal for OP to hold more in her name. All other income in a current account for both to use as long as one not gambling using drugs etc with any excess into savings. Large purchases to be discussed and agreed. Putting cars through the company isn’t always advantageous or can be very marginal and might be hubbie using as an excuse to control more. OP think carefully about this especially if you are paying deposit.
This is what marriage and parenthood represents not some twat hoarding all the resources and someone else living a less than optimum life and children not being given their best life possible.

Yes, as long as he splits the childcare costs.

I agree about how to split finances so it is all pooled with equal spends. I’m the high earner in our family. Husband used to have to ask me for money (years back) and I chatted to a friend about it who pointed out this was pretty infantilising.

So for years we’ve split spending money and I feel it is equitable and what I would want if the shoe was on the other foot. Everyone contributes in different ways to family life -not just financially) so I think it is only fair to share everything.

No one tells you how to manage money and often people end up in arrangements without having properly talking it through. He might be feeling the strain of finances.

I’m interested - what do you both use savings for? Have you talked about who/what savings are for?

I haven’t RTFT but I think you need to go back to work. He sounds resentful about paying for you and his child, and if he’s self-employed it will be more difficult to secure payments in the future from him if you divorce. Sorry if this isn’t the answer you were hoping for. Relying on someone else is always a risk, and here he’s already showing you how he really feels.

£4k disposable income on a £60k gross income means he doesn't pay tax or put anything towards a pension?

It sounds to me that both are heavy irresponsible spenders. What are those baby supplies that you need to buy that is £77 in addition to what you've already spent this month?

He sounds awful and I would never forgive him for ruining this special time on maternity leave.

Agree. The child related costs always seem to be the women's responsibility when finances aren't shared.
It's also the costs that aren't fixed that always seem to be the women's, like the groceries.
Main bills are generally consistent and less likely to change e.g. once direct debits are set up they remain the same for the contract length or you get notice of them increasing.
Groceries is always a tricky one as one month it could be low cost as you don't need washing powder and items like that but next month you need more general products as well as food for the week so it becomes more unpredictable. Also supermarket costs can go up from week to week so it's not a fair budget.

I agree. This is what dh and I do, we’ve been married for 16 years, I can’t work due to health issues, we have two dc. We give ourselves a set and equal amount of spending money (transferred into our own single bank accounts) and everything else goes into and out of a joint account. My first dh was very much like the one op is married to and it just caused such huge resentment.

Honestly this sort of I pay for X you pay for Y is messy and it’s very easy to be unfair when there’s a big income disparity.
I also fundamentally disagree with the woman paying all the baby costs because it’s just setting the scene that the kids are her hobby and it’s nothing to do with him.

Leave now! He wants you to be a sahm but control you through money and leave you with nothing else. This is not an equal partnership. Take home pay of 60k means a salary of around 90-100 and he is giving you 200 to be housekeeper, nanny and provide sexual services.

Give him the choice he pays you a fixed amount every month (enough for your expenses plus contingences), you calculate the amount (to be re-negotiated as the baby grows and gets more expensive) or you go back to work. See how much he really wants you to be a SAHM. How much an hour is he paying you as a SAHM? I really think he should be paying at least everything for the baby in return for you doing all the care.

Being a SAHM is not going to work, sorry. You need to get tough.

Look at going back to work asap. Tell your DH that he’s responsible for 50% of childcare for his own child, he can either take compressed hours, pay for nursery or pay you the same amount to stay at home.

Don’t spend your savings and really consider if you need another car on finance- sounds really dodgy and like an expense neither of you can afford. Plus if he’s paying through his business he will no doubt hold it against you. Can you not save and buy a decent second hand car outright in your own name?

Longer term, he doesn’t sound very nice. I couldn’t respect someone who begrudges some baby expenses whilst frittering his salary on takeaways and drinking. I think I’d be making sure I was financially independent and had assets in my own name because if I am honest this doesn’t sound like a relationship that will last.

Do not pay the car deposit with your savings @fireflies9 . Do not get the car if it comes to it.

He sounds financially abusive.

This set up sounds like you’ll be destitute with no savings in a year relying on a £200 allowance from him. While his accounts stay healthy.

do not quit your job for the love of god.

This.

Having a child is expensive. It gets progressively more expensive so I'd scrap the idea of new cars and ££££ holidays ASAP.

Set your date for return to work and double up on your contraception. If he's grumbling about a £77 bill for baby supplies now, he is not a committed family man and you need to plan to support yourself.

Your savings going in the Reno is stupid. You can’t have separate accounts and be a sahm how does that work? He is self employed and begrudging you £77.

if he is unwilling to pool finances with equal access to £ and use his own savings you need to get to work. Will he keep putting into his savings but not yours when your mat leave is over? He is balking at the first hurdle. Being the sole provider is not for everyone.

Pooling finances is fine until it’s not . Exh and I had joint accounts which he emptied when he left leaving me with a few pounds in my purse .

Oh mate. DO NOT leave your job. This set up has disater and financial abuse written all over it.

He gets to build up assets whole you pay for all the consumables. Nice.

If he wants you to be SAHM but it alrwady quibbling about paying for baby stuff where does he think the money will come from when your maternity pay stops?