Arguing with husband over finances

He don’t earn enough for you to be a stay at home mom unless your very careful, he might seem unreasonable but he also might be really worried if self employed- what would you do if he lost his job etc?

Unless there’s no mortgage, is it two cars on finance? Having an extra new car on finance and nails and holidays etc is luxury.

If you want keep it separate still and argue less I would say you will pay for “luxuries” I.e your car, nails and holidays.

He can do all the bills and groceries and baby stuff - show him the shop online before you order it to confirm costs so he don’t moan about that.

When the time comes to book a holiday - if you haven’t got much saved, either no holiday or he will have to do some overtime.

Im not trying to convince her of anything, just agreeing with the PP I quoted. It may be that she can use the answers on this thread to convince her DH though.

@goz @NemesisInferior My advice was financial. Sure, she's married to a knobhead but that would be a thread for the relationship forum. OP needs extra money, nix the non-essentials, there's your money.

Sure, you could cut out the husband too but that wouldn't help with the finances.

Why is it 'his' savings and yours. My DH out earns me. We do have separate accounts but savings money is interchangeable between us. I'll use mine to pax his tax bill he'll use his to top up my ISA etc. That was the whole point of getting married to me. During mat leave all money was ours and I had free access to our joint current account which he paid pretty much all of our income into. I'd ask him why he is content for his wife to have a lower standard of living than him.

Or the father can actually, y'know, grow the fuck up and contribute.

So you think it’s fine if he still has lots of disposable money but she’s the only one who should cut out non-essentials?

It's not 'as long as', it's a simple case of cutting out non-essentials and redirecting this money towards paying down debt and essentials. Nails are not essential.

THIS 👆

He wants you at home but he doesn't want to finance that.

So work out the cost of childcare and sit him down to make a plan as you can't afford to pay it on your own. That's he's showing signs of being controlling with money and you now realise that you staying at home won't work.

Tell him to stick the holiday up his arse and you'll sort out your own car.

Don't give up work. You cannot rely on this man. He is telling you loud and clear what his priorities are...himself.

As long as hubby isn't spending what he likes on himself and leaving OP nothing....

Why is he quibbling over £77 for baby supplies? This is really concerning. You have years of child related costs ahead of you. It's time for a good look at expectations around finances. Make sure you can support yourself and your child should you have to.

How is 60k giving him 4k disposable income? It won't even give him 4k before mortgage and bills. Something he's telling you doesn't add up

@fireflies9 I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Obviously we don’t have all the details but from what you’ve said it sounds like you either both don’t have a grip at all on finances which can be rectified with education and both being willing to make some life changes OR this is the beginnings of financial abuse.

You’ve both got equal savings from work however only yours are expected to pay for a house renovation and a car deposit that will be in his name from his company. Youve said “he never uses his savings for anything” He is topping up your maternity leave but only if his work allows him to which this month it hasn’t and there is I assume no guarantee that it will for future months.

He doesn’t want you to have access to joint household money or pooled finances of some sort which keeps you in a vulnerable position whilst having significantly less and soon to be no income . He is keen for you to not go back to work but can’t flex £77 when there is a surplus of requirements for his own child but at the same time is using his disposable income for lunches with his mates / takeaways and he has pushed for an expensive holiday despite you saying you would have been happier for a cheaper one. Have you considered the fact that a lot of employers make you pay back maternity leave if you don’t return to work for a period of time - which I assume he would want to come out of your savings?

I would be seriously considering going back to work if he is already using phrases such as he “funds your life” based on 5 months of a £320 top up whilst on maternity leave. In fact this would be making me question his respect for me at all.

Many many people have large disparity’s in income / a non working parent at home but this only works if the working parent values the work of the non working one and money is split in a way that feels fair to both partners - otherwise resentment will build.

He is clearly already starting to build a narrative that your work in the home is less valuable than his paid for one and therefore you should be financially penalised in times of hardship - what most couples do in financial hardship is that everyone takes the hit. If work hasn’t been as good as expected this month then you both scale back non essential spending so you can provide for your child - not you completely depleting your savings and him sitting on a small fortune just because he can. Do you have an emergency fund ? What happens if you have a leak in the house etc - will this automatically be expected to come out of your savings because he’s “funding your life”

If I’m being generous this could be a case of him being stressed out with the finances as work hasn’t done as well as expected this month and not reacting well to that but that is even more of a reason for you to rethink how your finances are set up as long term it what you’re doing now isn’t sustainable. A budget with all your incomes and expenses with a good 10% buffer as his work does not bring in fixed reliable pay would be a good start. Then you could work out how much is actually needed to run the household and split proportionally to what you earn at the moment. After this you can work out what you can both afford for fun money. If you don’t go back to work this is the same set up except all the money comes from his earnings. If he doesn’t agree to this then I would seriously be thinking about and going back to work in the long term but it would seriously give me the ick and I would be considering getting out of the relationship longer term

Good luck

Yes get back to work asap.
He's an arsehole.
Only the lowest scum do this when you are vulnerable and on mat leave.
Never forget this.
This is the real man.
Certainly do not have another child with him.
I consider this financial abuse and controlling.

You've married and had a baby with a selfish cunt, who is now financially abusing you.

You need to protect yourself, and decide if you want to stay married to someone this low.

You are a couple with a family now
not two people casually going out with each other

Get a joint account
Both your incomes go into it then each of you has a direct debit out into your own accounts for personal stuff. eg Your own clothes and going out ( dh and I always did same amount )

Everything to do with your home, cars, holiday's and your child goes out of the joint account alone.

If there’s enough for savings at the end of the month you can set up a savings account too

You’re a family now supporting each other and should be working together

Do not put down the deposit for the new car. If it's going through the business HE can use the business account & claim it against tax or use HIS savings. He has £4k a month disposable income, he can ruddy well pay for the car.

You keep your savings. Actually I'd put them into a higher interest, less accessible account.

he should be compensating you for your lost wages and pension contributions.. Having a baby impacts your earnings not just now but for the rest of your life. Instead he is asking you to deplete your savings to make ends meet.

This situation is unfair and needs to change. The simplest approach is pooled resources and equal amounts of discretionary income and savings. There are other fair approaches, but what you are doing now is not one of them.

If his attitude continues, I would go back to work sooner than later. Make sure you are not taking on more than half of the parenting responsibilities. It is not fair for only your earning capacity to be limited by the constraints of parenting.

In a marriage where both parties respect the important economic sacrifice made by the primary parent, having a primary parent can work. The person who works for money has to understand that their financially successes belong to both parents though and share without any complaint or barrier.

This really is a discussion you should have had prior to having children. Luckily my husband is not a financial abuser but I would never have children unless we shared finances. So from when we got married we had a joint account and all income and expenditure came out of that. We also had a sole personal account each with us both getting the same each month. Now retired we still do that. That is the only way to cope with discrepancies in income. You are on maternity leave so cannot build your savings up. I cannot believe that you have had to pay the car deposit and he also wants you to pay for house Reno from your savings whilst his are untouched. No way would I be paying for all the house Reno. If he wants you to have separate finances tell him you want him to cover half the car deposit and half the house Reno from his savings. When you return to work he has to pay 50% childcare. If you both agree to you being a SAHM then insist on joint finances.

YOU are working and “his money” is not his money. He gets paid by his work and you look after your joint child. If that is the agreement then stop all the nonsense and demand that you receive equal value of “his” pay since you are sacrificing your earnings by looking after his child.

You tell him that he has forgotten the baby is as much his responsibility as yours and if he is going to be a dick about it then you will return to work and you are each responsible for half the childcare which will cost a lot more than a few hundred.

@fireflies9 Nails, new clothes, and gifts can all be cut.

I’m afraid op that this is never going to work because you’ve had a baby with someone who is sexist and/or dim. I would have laughed in the face of a bloke who said ‘he’s the one providing’ in your situation. Well, hypothetically because I wouldn’t have got pregnant to such a man. He doesn’t have the brain capacity to realise it’s not ‘his money’ it’s family money.

the easiest way to do it is all income in one pot, all bills and kids stuff out of it, remaining £ split 50/50 in to each of your accounts for personal spends. It isn’t just about being the easiest way to split it as it covers changes in income/spending; more about the understanding that you’re a partnership contributing equally.

he (and you judging by some of the words you’ve used) seems to believe his contribution is superior, and thus you’ll never have a proper partnership

This is not how sahm should split bills. What happens when you get £0 because you don’t work? If you aren’t working all money should be in joint savings and a joint account which you both have equal access to. I personally don’t think anyone should stop working. You both should just your jobs to make childcare work. What happens if he turns around in a few years and wants divorce. You don’t get support and can’t earn much because you have been out of work for years.