Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

I have an inkling who this might be from social media.

Yep - he needs to pay for his keep whilst at your home. And ask him what plans he has made to move out properly in the next few years, that aren’t dependent on you subbing him. Make it clear that there is no house deposit coming and that you won’t be further funding him. As his peers settle down, he may come to regret spaffing the money, but he will have had some amazing experiences travelling instead.

Unfortunately a lot of paid work is not currently rewarded appropriately, salaries are flat compared to CoL, and have been for years, so it is possible that he’s making more from social media than from being a new graduate engineer. The big money is usually through platforms like YouTube or Only Fans rather than TikTok. If that’s the case he can definitely pay his own way.

So, @YourOpenShaker you recognise you've brought up spoilt, entitled, lazy kids, you gave them everything, they've no work ethic and no sense, and now one of them has spaffed £50k and then some on enjoying himself. You recognise they're a product of their upbringing and you've sown the seeds and nurtured this behaviour.

You can't change the past, but what do you want to do now to change the situation?

This may be a good resource for you. As with everything, there may be parts that resonate and parts that don't, but there might be some useful points to help you think about how you want to parent these young adults moving forward so they start to be prepared for adult life and independence, and learn to be less spoilt and entitled, because the rest of the world won't put up with their behaviour.

parentslettinggo.com/about-us-and-get-to-know-dr-jack/parents-letting-go/

Great opportunity to go travelling as he may not have chance later in life, although to have spent the whole £50k does seem a lot. When your son ran out of money your husband should have paid for the airfare home and not given him any more money!
I wouldn’t kick him out but if he wants to stay living at home then he needs to contribute financially. This should then set an example for your younger kids and encourage them to take responsibility for their future.

Need to post this in the Andrew thread

Tbh I don’t think I know anyone who went to Oxford who would spell blasé ‘blazeh’.

I still think I would say after such expensive educations you are leaving your money to Battersea!

My bff has wasted way over £1m in inheritance over the last decade. She owns no property but spends pots on big flashy rentals.
She's to inherit again but that won't last long either!

It seems to me that you are a well off family that has tried to give your children everything. The problem is, you did, so they don't know the meaning of it. They are quite happy to sponge off mum and dad because you let them. Your son is 25, an adult!!! He can spend his money how he likes but, and this is a big but, you have no responsibility to get him out of poverty or to financially support him at all. It is hard but, sometimes, you have to let them clean up their own messes and they won't be happy about it but it will make them better people.

Easy come easy go.

You haven’t failed. Just let him get on with it. You have steered him into a great degree and given him money to help him start his life. Presumably he has worked very hard up until now to get his degree.

It’s essential now you give him no more money and your husband needs to get on board with this.

You did your best. He got a good degree and went travelling. He isn’t a drug dealing axe murderer. I think he sounds pretty ok.

I don't think you have failed OP, you sound like you have supported your children to become very confident, high achieving young adults.

Unfortunately I think the generation they are in are so influenced by the social media portrayal of life the lose touch with reality. I think the best way forward here is to support any future choices but without that support being financial unless there is a clear plan in place of what it is you are actually financing. Because you do sound like you are in a financially privileged situation to be able do this, but your DH needs to understand the difference between supporting a plan and just bankrolling adults who are just freeloading at this point. It's not helpful to them and isn't setting them up for any success in the future.

As far as the money goes, I can see why you would be dissapointed, but it sounds like he had a career trajectory that in the scheme of things he could have clawed back so made good memories with it, but perhaps it's his choices since that are more concerning, and not teaching him the reality of these choices will harm him more. I'd love to have a go at being an influencer or creative type instead of my current career, but if be faced with a short sharp reality check when my mortgage payments wouldn't be made with no food in the house! Financial maturity can only really be taught when there are consequences.

Don't be so hard I yourself OP, you sound like you have done everything from a place of love! Also sometimes they are just idiots at this age, I remember by brother coming home halfway through his first semester saying he was quitting to play golf full time because he needed a rest (he was never going to be good enough to make a career of it, he just wanted to enjoy himself!). That plan promptly went out the window when my parents asked how he would fit it in around the full time job he would need to pay rent etc because as a fully capable adult he would not be living unemployed back at home!

I don't think travel is a waste of money. But maybe he didn't need to spend the whole 50K on it. But he's in his twenties. You don't think long term at that age, you just don't. So to be honest, I understand why you gave him the money but if my parents had done that, I would probably have done the same. It sounds like you expect him to live the conventional life of education, degree, job, house, marriage, 2.4 children, golden labrador. But life is short, houses are stupidly expensive, he got the opportunity to travel with 50K and he took it. He's experienced things I haven't, yet, and your 29s is the best time to do it, I think. I understand you are annoyed but it was a present to him, unless there were conditions on how it was to be spent?

indeed, what else is he going to do with that money if not spend it lol

I agree.

It's the entitlement that I find infuriating. He's had £50k but knows Dad will bail him out and gets another £9k!
Nowhere to live, no problem I'll just live at home.
Girlfriend from Australia, no problem, she can just move into family home too.
Work...nah, I'll give up posts that others would chew their arm off for.

I just hope he does realise how fortunate he is and has some gratitude. Without that there really is no hope!

Nb...he doesn't have to be an engineer to build F1 cars, he could go onto the floor and literally build them!

That's why I said he should be contributing.....

You are not alone! There’s even Bible stories about this phenomenon. Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of bloody stew, showing that youths thousands of years ago would make silly mistakes too.

I think what makes your job harder in today’s modern society is that there is a whole culture promoting laziness, self-indulgance and vanity. This is dressed up as ‘living your best life’ and so forth, but it is ultimately very destructive.

Further, the phenomenon of massive inheritances is much more widespread. One half of our nation’s youth has given up hope because without an inheritance they will never get on the property ladder. Might as well just have an life on the dole. The other half have given up making an effort because there’s a few hundred thou’ on the horizon from various soon-to-be-departed grannies. Might as well have an easy life.

It’s good that you recognise the long term effects of children being spoiled. The most you can do is give repeated messages about the benefits of hard work and saving, promoting these values as ‘self-care’, a form of investing in oneself.

Um, yes, I am aware. My point was more that inferring someone's education level from their SPAG on social media is often less than useful.,

Him being happy is not the main thing if it comes at the financial cost of his parents or their happiness. So much of this is what is wrong with the current generation. Happiness above all else. There is a lot to be said for accountability, responsibility and growing up to be a contributing member of society.

Ah there's a lot to unpack here.

First of all, you haven't failed as a parent. What on earth makes you think that?

My 18yo DD is at the same uni as your DD (first year though). She lives at home with me. She doesn't work right now, lives off her student finance/grants etc. The first year is the "fun year" apparently.

I don't charge her anything to live here as she isn't working yet.

She spends her money on going out getting rat arsed, takeaways and vapes. But she also buys everything for herself (food, clothes, make up etc) and all associated uni costs.

It doesn't cost me much for her to be staying at home, she's either at uni or out living her best life.

And I absolutely love it.

She's young, she's studying hard, I WANT her to have this time enjoying herself (also I get to see her lots which is amazing, she's my little bestie. I'd hate for her to move out yet!).

However.

I wouldn't let this continue indefinitely, past her first "fun" year, things will have to change if she remains at home, and she knows that.

Also would I (if I had it) give her 50k in one go? Would I SHITE!!! That was your first mistake.

Regardless, your son is definitely of an age that he can be contributing. I'm sorry, I wasn't able to read all the comments (neurological condition) but is he contributing to the household? Apologies if you've already said.

If he's living at home and making money via TikTok or however else, then he needs to contribute.

I personally think he's done very well with the TikTok stuff (it's not as easy as you'd think!).

I feel like he's had a great few years travelling and enjoying himself, and made memories most of us could only dream of. He's then found his niche (or feels he has, with the TikTok stuff).

Everyone is different and I feel your disappointment is more aimed at the fact that he hasn't ended up doing what YOU wanted him to do for a career. That's why you think you've failed. Cos he hasn't followed the path you envisaged. This is your second mistake.

He needs to do what makes him happy, ultimately. Not try to conform to what you expected of him. I feel this is what dad thinks too.

Is your son happy? Isn't that the main thing?

Like you OP, I would have also been furious.

We have helped our children out with a large sum of money each and despite what some have said here, it absolutely came with strings attached. We worked bloody hard to be in the position we are in. I went back to work when each of our children were very small. The wealth came about little by little.

When my mother died, she left me with debts, not money, so to be able to get to a position where we could help was a big deal for us. Had any of our children looked like they wouldn't be able to handle the money, then it would not have been given to them until many years from now.

When we told them about the money, they were told it was to be spent to help their futures, not to be spent on things like cars, that depreciate very quickly. We made a few suggestions, but they were to come to us when they had a plan for how they would like to use the money.

One child and their partner both work, they're married and saving. They will use it for a deposit on a home when they're ready to buy. The others pooled their money and used it as a deposit on an investment property. They opened an account, took out a mortgage and now each contribute a set amount each week towards paying the place off. Their plan is that once paid off, the place will be worth enough that they can sell and each of them will have enough for a more substantial deposit on their own places.

As for being young and wanting to travel, they're all still doing this. The whole family has the travel bug, but they do what they would have done before the money, save up, search for bargains and do what they can afford.

Obviously once they sell the place, we would not have any further say in what they do with the money, but based on how they all live their lives, I'd be shocked if any of them wasted the head start they've been lucky enough to have.

LOL. You gave him £50k. When you give someone a gift, it's up to them what they do with it. if you've got that kind of money lying around, then I assume he will also get a big windfall when you pass away. Plus he has an Oxford degree. He's very likely going to have very few money concerns in the future, so why shouldn't he enjoy himself now?

You spoilt him as a child this is what happens with rich kids, just hope he doesn’t get into drugs then you will have a real problem

Wealth without work is the first of Mahatma Gandhi’s Seven Social Sins and your husband is an enabler.

It's his money and he can do what he likes with it. Reading between the lines it sounds like he wanted to kick back and have fun after 20 odd years of being a Good Boy and doing everything his parents pressurised him into doing.

If you want any sort of relationship with your kids at all start realising pdq they are their own people, not a mini you or a mini DH or someone to live your own ambitions through. Do you even like them at all? Do you love them? It sounds not very much from.the OP. I hope it isn't real as it all sounds like such a typical rich but dysfunctional family cliché.

This is what money does most of the time. If they get given it they won’t work for it.

@FairKoala You may have a point that the OP is pushing her children towards careers that they’re not interested in.

But I still can’t get past the fact that a healthy 25-year-old is expecting his parents to keep him. Fair enough if he wants to have a creative career, but surely he realizes that successful creatives (artists, actors, influencers, etc.) hold down other jobs until they hit the big time?