Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

I think this is a common scenario actually.
My colleague saved her monthly child benefit for her DS in an ISA from the first month of his life up until it stopped when he was 18. She left it in the ISA a few more years and gave him the lump sum last year when he turned 21. Her instructions to him were for him to use it to pay for driving lessons, buy a car, and to bank the rest into his own personal savings account to build towards a house deposit. Instead, he spent the lot in 6 months in pubs, clubs and package holidays with mates.
How you spend over £25,000 on having a good time with mates in 6 months is beyond me. But he did.
Still hasn't had a single driving lesson.
My colleague can barely speak to him at the moment, such is her fury.

when she gave up her job and asked for money, did you give it to her?

pleae say that you didn’t!!

If anyone else of means is wondering whether their privileged children would ever do this, there’s a very easy test that IFAs recommend when your child reaches 18 or 21.

You give the child a sum of money that is huge for them but not quite so huge for you - a term’s school fees for example, or enough to buy a second hand car.

Sit back and see what happens.

Then make future inheritance plans accordingly.

Three or four siblings raised in exactly the same way will nonetheless behave in three or four different ways.

A young adult who struggles with impulse control shouldn’t be given cash or shares but could be given a property which is harder to liquidate, especially if it’s in a trust.

This, exactly.

Why is there this weird “bank of Mum and Dad” culture nowadays? I absolutely understand helping adult children out to buy a house, at the right time, if you can afford it. However to just dole out multiple thousands of pounds for the achievement of graduating and getting a job is extravagant and foolhardy. Not surprising that OP’s son has taken advantage and interpreted that as free rein to fritter it away. He probably thinks “there’s plenty more where that came from”.

Part of becoming an adult is about learning to stand on your own two feet, make a living for yourself and build resilience. As for those “expecting an inheritance” it may not ever come with care home fees currently standing at around £5K per month.

We are in danger of bringing up whole generations of young adults who remain forever dependent on older generations and cannot stand on their own two feet.

50k directive is wasted if it’s spent not working and drinking beer.

if it were me, I’d have given him £x for travel and kept the rest aside.

So now a normal, responsible and sensible life is undesirable, is it? While going wild on spending money and using drugs and booze is?
Going travelling while finding local jobs, immersing yourself in the place and culture, facing challenges = great learning experience
But this young man did not do that.

I mean, do not get me wrong. If you want a couch potatoe that has a bottomless wallet and drinks and party all day, most of us can do it!

He met a girl over in Australia, she has moved to be with him here, works in a cafe, lovely girl but now he wanted her to move into our house for a few months

No no no no no

My son is getting about £18k next month but it absolutely comes with strings because he is 18 and ridiculous with money. We’ve sat down and discussed with him how hard we have saved for 18 years and we don’t want it pissing up the wall. This is what you should have done. My son is spending £5k on a car, putting £12k into a LISA (which he is doing £4k in March, £4k in April and giving us £3k to look after for a year while he saves another &1k for next April) and then £2k ‘fun money’ so basically spend however he likes. He is fine with this because we have all sat down and talked about it.

we have also said that when he gets a full time job he either gives us a % as rent or he can invest the % each month himself (as we would have invested it and given it back to him when he moves out). But, we need to see this investment if that’s what he choooses.he’s a good kid and has no problem with that, it teaches them some salary sacrifice and he can see how an investment will grow.
maybe you need to be firmer and giving a 23 year old £50k with no strings attached was never going to end well

His money, his life, his choices (no matter how poor)

I dont think you should blame yourself.
I was gifted £100k when I was 21 and I used it to buy a house. In reality, I had been spoilt my whole life, but I knew that amount of money was to be invested, not wasted. What I’m saying is, it’s not the parents fault, sometimes adults just have that carefree personality, nothing to do with upbringing.

OP please stop saying that you failed as a parent. You DID NOT.
The grandparents gave him money. Then your husband gave him money. Now he has ti tok to sustain him but I doubt it will last that long!
Anyway, you did nothing wrong and you've been hindered by your husband here, he should have let some consequences fall onto your son.
The fact your son has spent the money and doesn't want a 9-5 job isnt the problem IMO. The real issue is more that he is false and lying constantly, and expecting to be bank rolled by others, rather than doing an honest day's work himself.Similar for your daughter - she "can't handle" working at a cafe...well once she graduates you make her work, else she can go claim benefits or do tik tok like her brother to feed her self. Leave her to it.
We had similar with a child in my family - kept finding excuses as to why he "couldn't" work (has never even worked a day so how does he know) and just sat home on video games etc. That may not have been the case, had his mum put some boundaries/expectations but she just tolerates him doing this in her home. So I think you've done the right thing telling your son to move out and face the real world we all do!

The wife sound like a control freak

I was 21 when got a mortgage House long paid off . But it brings me no joy. I travel regularly but do wish could've done so more when I was younger and more physically able. I can no longer do long hikes and caving and stuff like that.

School should be a full time job and is for those aiming for top grades.

I have known countless examples of DC with part time jobs not doing as well as they should have at A level, which then affects their university options. All for the sake of a fiver an hour.

If he'd been about to buy a house then a 50k gift would be fabulous.
Instead he did what he wanted with it.

Well, I'll tell you how jealous I am! I went to a Russell Group uni from state school in the 1990s. Apart from 3 others, the other 10 people were all privately educated. I csn clearly see why all 3 of your rich children have gone to great universities...and don't want to work. One of the students I knew couldn't be bothered to do laundry so he put his dirty socks in the bin and bought a new pack every week.

I genuinely don't know why you're worrying. This is what children of this privileged class are meant to do - mess around, have adventures, get a bit stuck and have daddy bail them out! Was it Lady Arabella Harvey who got filmed to do this?

Sit back and chill out. Your children will be the peasant overlords soon enough. Your son will probably end up a Reform MP, telling lazy poor people that they shouldn't have wasted all their money on lattes and should have worked hard like him if they wanted a 9 bedroom house.

Maybe watch Succession? It might help.

Wait, did you say he's made 100k on tiktok? Well it sounds like he is doing alright. Why are you annoyed that he is lucky and things seem easy for him? Isn't that what we want for or children? Sounds like he's earning money so what is the problem? You want him to join a law firm and if not, you are a failure as a parent? It's not about you now, he's an adult. Stop making it about you.

He's an adult so if he wants to spend it traveling he can. The issue is if you continue to fund him he will never learn the value with money. You need to tell him you will no longer fund his choices or gift any money so he needs think about how he will support himself as he is an adult not a child.

As for further inheritance well you can't stop that but unless its millions it not going to last for ever anyway.

Unfortunately your dh needs to be on the same. I'd be furious with dh sorry op.

All the children are being set up to fail in life

We could get into a detailed discussion about this and I doubt we'd really disagree over anything.
I agree that highly educated people often ignore grammar conventions out of laziness on social media, or can't be bothered to correct spelling mistakes, a kind of conceit, perhaps.
I don't have an issue with the way OP expresses herself in this post; it's just that she doesn't structure her writing or express herself as a graduate of an elite university. So there is something there that I do take exception to.

The most I would have gifted would be his first flight plus a bit of spending money……..if he wanted to see the world then he funds it himself.

Oh, totally agree one should get on the property ladder. But not at 21.

I was 24. And I feel that was a bit early too.

Just to add some maths. He spent an average of £3278 a month in the last 18 months. Cost of living across Asia is cheap. I'd lay another 50k bet he's been putting it up his nose. Good luck with it all.

What’s done is done.

I have known similar situations where the money has been spent on gambling and porn, and a starter marriage where the totally unsuitable from day 1 spouse got a house. At least travel broadens the mind.

Stop giving your son money. Let him fend for himself for a while and see if he manages to support himself.

Also take legal advice about restricting your son’s future inheritance so he can’t access it until he’s 30, perhaps even set him up with a trust and therefore trustees. Some people are just shit with money and need external limits - it’s not necessarily your fault as parents.

It sounds like you have given your children a great deal of privilege and advantage as a starting point for adult life. In that you have done a good thing. Parents on mumsnet are always being berated for not being responsible ( aka wealthy enough) to do a good job raising children.
What matters is what you do now. Stop subbing your children. If your son wants to live with you he pays rent. If your other children want money to spend on going out / clothes/ holidays hold a line where they need to have a part time job which pays for these things.
It is not easy but it can be clear. Most families have to enforce the rules above for financial reasons. But standing on your own two feet and having some responsibility for meeting your own needs builds resilience and is good preparation for adult life.
Xx

I don't think you should beat yourself up. People have different attitudes to money, even when they've been brought up in the same household.

I can relate to your post though. I didn't come from money but have always strived to get myself to a place where I'm now financially I'm comfortable. My DC, whilst they worked hard academically, are not at all motivated by money.