Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

Yep look at Stella MCCartney - huge work ethic - it’s a really individual thing- I work in music and I know many absolutely useless, entitled, comfortably off offspring - often really nice, not horrible, just zero work ethic , lots of what used to be called EuroTrash . Equally I know a few who ‘could’ have gone down that route but didn’t, they took a bit of help that was offered and then made good use of it and really forged their own successful paths or even went into public service.

Do you think many people in their early 20s (so before the brain is even fully developed) would know how to deal with that sort of money as a lump sum? Why on earth did you give him so much, so young? It’s just madness. A better option would have been to keep it until he was older and needed to purchase his first house, imagine it combined with the next lot of inheritance he’s due to get… He’d have had a sizeable deposit.

You have spolit them both and haven’t taught either of them the value of money. It’s very common in wealthy households, particularly old money because you’ve always had it so don’t know the benefit of properly earning it and building up from the bottom. The fact your DH just gave him 9k to carry on travelling says an awful lot.

It’s up to you how you approach it but I would tell him he’s on his own and needs to get his arse to work.

I get you @EdithBond , and have worked with many marginalised people myself over the years, so yes, absolutely realise that there are many adult children who don’t have these “privileges”.

Perhaps I should rephrase my statement:

The privileged classes (and even those who aren’t so privileged but for some reason decide to sacrifice their life savings to adult kids) are in danger of bringing up whole generations of young adults who remain forever dependant on older generations and cannot stand on their own two feet.

@ILikeKeirStarmer My dc have had considerable money from us. One is a hard working barrister and the other has her own interior design business working for glam hotels. Do not ever think the dc of the better off don’t want to work! They have not swanned off around the world spending our money or anyone else’s. DH was self employed and DD both are too. DD1 as a barrister works with many bright people and many of them privately educated. Some even did law at Durham. They work. Bloody hard!

@Existentialistic I broadly agree with you. Apart from:

We are in danger of bringing up whole generations of young adults who remain forever dependent on older generations and cannot stand on their own two feet.

Such is the gross inequality in UK and many nations, the other half of the generation is growing up homeless, sharing beds as teenagers in temporary accommodation. Or in abject, grinding poverty in areas where there’s little meaningful work available to them, however hard they try. Or with little hope of ever owning a home of their own. It takes great resilience, strength and determination to overcome that.

Apparent in recruitment and the workplace. Spoilt, entitled youngsters, whose parents have brought them up to be infantilised and dependent, often lack drive, responsibility, initiative or resilience.

The most notable achievers and innovators of their generation may not come from their side of the equality divide.

All this "they need to be responsible", "they need to know how life works "....wake up!

This is how life works! Money goes to money. Rich people always get richer. Rich people, backed by their rich families, don't need to work! Their families will always keep them warm, well-fed and housed.

When his liver can't handle anymore, he'll walk into a job with a salary most of us real people will never get near. He's getting an inheritance from his grandparents but if he's that clever, he's probably already realised that one-third of an even bigger inheritance is coming down the line at some point too.

If he ever uses his degree, hopefully at some point, us taxpayers will get some benefit.

@LeedsLoiner It should have been put in trust by the donor. Not sure why these dc don’t want to work and have no ambition. Clearly a personality trait. They also know there’s money, so put it in trust before it’s given.

If it's their inheritance what business is it of yours how grown adults spend it.

@YourOpenShaker you can't change what's happened so far but you can change what you do next. Your kids are so far out of reality with a safety net at all times to bail them out. You need to out a stop to the free unlimited cash. How is your daughter funding her uni course, accommodation fees??? Please tell me you haven't given her an allowance? How did your son manage? If your daughter wants to spend her summer vacation out with her friends then she will need to pay for it. They need to develop a work ethic and understanding of how real life works.
I was a straight A student many moons ago, got a part time job at 16 and worked all the way through university to fund my living expenses. For the last 2 years of uni I worked 25 hours per week and in summer holidays I worked 3 jobs, working every day. It did me the world of good. My parents told me they'd stop giving me money when I got a job, and that included working part time at 16. They've obviously helped me when I've needed it but I'd never ask and I've never asked - I think its shameful behaviour that your kids have the audacity to keep asking you to bail them out, it's embarrassing. I would be mortified.

I’d have loved to take a break after my years of university and travel a little.
No gap year for me ..straight from school to university and I had to manage by myself.
My parents literally didn’t give me a penny , I worked in the holidays and once I’d finished my degree I was straight to job hunting and then work .
He absolutely is spoiled !
My oldest child worked , saved , traveled .
Did run low on money towards the end of their travels so did babysitting in a resort for their living expenses we also sent them a little £ to tide them over till their return flight home

Sounds like you and your DH have very different values you’d like to instil in your DC.

Your DH should respect your values and look to compromise, rather than unilaterally decide how to respond to their requests or expectations of financial support as adults.

IMHO we poorly serve our DC if we don’t encourage them to take responsibility for themselves as adults.

Yes but you are saying that happiness should be the OPs main concern. Of course her son is happy. Who wouldn’t be happy if you get gifted 50k with more to come…

It’s become one of my most favourite musings and I’ve been able to apply it when thinking about Andrew and equally my spoilt entitled step son.

Wealth without work….

I think all the people saying “great to go travelling” are nuts. Yes it’s great to go, but cost neutral, working part time as you go, not spending a massive gift from Grandparents on it. I’d be furious too, especially the lying.

I wouldn’t throw him out but I’d feel like it, otherwise he has the benefit of being housed, warm, fed etc with no effort

I’d spend some time on spreadsheets and looking at income/ tax/ cost of living/ pensions/ how it’s crucial to always have savings/ how dangerous debt it/ how long it would take to save a similar amount. Don’t delegate this or assume he knows, or let him avoid this. This will take time, it is not a couple of conversations. Even if he’s very clever, it is worth working this out and him getting into good financial habits now. After this he could listen to Dave Ramsey book if he is in anyway getting on board.

At some point you have to let him make his choices but he should know debt can be awful and be a factor in marriage ending, life’s stifled and suicide. He should avoid this at all costs. Then DO NOT subsidise him, don’t help him get out of tricky situations, he can learn and do this.

Finally if not tell him he is getting more money but give any inheritance at age 35 and treat all siblings the same.

That's not exactly true is it. Some do have jobs, but there are plenty of children very reasonably making the most of their parents wealthy, and being "kept" by parents who pay for their practice, or pay everything while the children are on various unpaid - or very poorly paid - internships sometimes around the world.

When families can afford it, it makes a lot more sense to building your career intelligently than stupidly pretending "I am doing it on my own" and being kept back by the lack of funds.

Now if the OP expected the money to go towards a mortgage, she should have made it clear it wasn't a gift, but a gesture towards the mortgage. Instead of being a jealous controlling unreasonable mother.

The temptation to blow such a sum must have been huge.

We have been putting money into S&S ISAs for the Gdcs, to which they’ll have access at 18 - eldest now 10 - by which time it should come to a fairly substantial sum.

Of course the thought of them blowing it all worries me. I don’t know whether either of us will still be here by the time they reach 18, so I’m going to leave them each a letter, pointing out how much harder it is to earn or save money than to spend it, so while blowing a little will be OK, they will very be glad of such a lump sum later, when they eventually want to buy a home of their own.

My brother had similar both he and I inherited a similar amount mid 20's he blew it all I put it towards buying a house. In our 50's now and our lives have gone in very different directions he still doesn't own a house. Same upbringing he is just irresponsible imo.

I would flip it. From his point of view he has graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree. That's an achievement that represents years of hard work. He used the £50k to fund a ridiculously expensive gap year experience, bit he still had his degree and still has his whole life to make the sensible choices.

@travelallthetime that sounds very sensible but to be very picky you said you have sat him down now ?
Does that mean prior to this there was no money training ?
Why do you need to see his investment ?
Have you already shown him how to invest in the stock market ?

Interestingly the times paper has a campaign for 15 hours of proper investment education for young people in schools.

Mine have been exposed to our family financial spreadsheet with how each month every penny is accounted for and goes "somewhere " including into fun stuff.
They see us budget and I've also exposed them to my invements for many years.
My 12 year old understands what a business moat is and why it's a gamble to buy individual shares.
She knows about my own risk with rolls Royce .

They both have sipps and we watch their investments go up and down and they hopefully know not to panic when they tank.

They understand the importance of volume and diversity.

Once they hit 18 I'm hoping they are well versed into why and how to hang onto their.money.

However this will be their journey and we don't control that once they get possession of their money.
That's the start of their journey.

Sounds like he never really learnt the value of money, did he? I don't think it's that crazy for a young person to spend an amount like that so frivolously. He is young. You would have been better off gifting it to him as a house deposit. But you trusted him to make a more adult decision than he was capable of.

The fact your DH gifted him an extra £9k, and doesn't see your viewpoint that the money, gifts etc are causing your children problems, is the biggest concern IMO. How are you supposed to teach them anything, if they always have one parent they can run to when they run out of cash?

You need to be united, and stand firm. No more handouts, no more cash. They'll never learn how to be responsible otherwise.

So did you or his grandparents give it to him?
You said you did, and now that it was his grandparents. Did you have control over when it was handed over or was it put in Trust by his grandparents and he received it w/o you enabling it?

This is what I also said in a previous post , however if they were making good money from it then they wouldn’t have spaffed through the £48k on top of earnings- like others I suspect probably a coke or gambling problem - that area of the world , ‘travellers’ and lots of young pretty entitled people does im afraid attract a ton of drugs -

He's caught between spending like an adult but being dependent like a child.

He needs to live like an adult by paying his own way - rent, utilities, food - without relying on anyone else, just like independent adults have to. Up to him to earn the money etc.,if thats YouTube but struggling for rent, that's up to him.

Durham & Oxbridge have a high proportion of privileged students, so potentially he's just living his life how his friends are. If he can then walk into a nepotism job in his 30's...?

Exactly. Sounds as if he's actually working quite hard, just not in a 'traditional' profession. I bet if he joined a marketing company and went to an office 5 days a week, the OP would be fine about it. But social media influencing is a very crowded market and it sounds as if this chap is very good at it. What exactly is the problem?

But will your husband??