Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

I actually doubt he will regret it, he has very good qualifications and will be able to get a good job when he needs to.

This. No WAY would I gift a 23 year old young man £50K! Especially not one still living at home. (Or a 23 year old young woman actually.) Many at that age are irresponsible and shite with money.

Awaits the tales of 19 year olds who had a mortgage and a home of their own, and £30K saved in the bank. 🙄

Don't waste your time please, most people under 25 will NOT be very responsible adults with their own home!

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Your DS sounds like someone who probably worked really hard at school and university and got to a point where he needed to let off steam. I think there are worse things he could spend his money on and ultimately his biggest security in terms of finances is the degree that he still holds which will open doors for him. I would try to take a step back from it and let him figure things out. I certainly wouldn’t give him any more money for the time being though!

I came into some money in my early twenties and went travelling. Do not regret that at all. Plenty of time for mortgages and children. Precisely the age to do it. P.s. you sound envious of the tiktok followers lol

Your husband sounds like an enabling prat tbh

This. Cut him off and you'll find he learns to stand on his own two feet much quicker. Children who are spoiled often don't learn the value of money.

Agree

I suspect I will be in your position one day. I'm bracing myself for that feeling of crushing disappointment.

I bought my first flat at 22. Not everyone is a complete tit until 30

I think your husband is responsible for his shitty entitled attitude towards money TBF and it sounds like your DS will never be broke if you've got the kind of money to bail him out with £9k. He lost the money and that's his lookout. One day he may regret it.

I spent my savings (presents/inheritance from grandparents and parents over the years) on going to Singapore and Australia when I was 19. It wasn't anything like as much money as £48k + £9k but it was vaguely suggested that I should save it for something sensible. However, it was my money and I wanted to travel. I am nearly 50 now and don't regret that trip at all. I've always earned my own money and understand the value of it.

I guess he will run out of money eventually if he spends all his inheritances as will his siblings. In some ways I agree why work if you have money to live on? Working isn't that great really if you have an alternative like travelling the world.

You’re angry because you assumed because your kids are academically intelligent, that they’re financially savvy and wise, which is so rarely the case!

Youre also mad because your son, for all his prospects and opportunities, seems to be throwing it away on an aimless life and you’re worried about this instability in his future.

And you’re angry because you now recognize that spoiling your kids and bailing them out has done them a huge disservice because between your handouts and their academic abilities, they don’t feel they have to try.

I totally get where you’re coming from, but please try to remember that they’re young and looking for adventure. Sure, you’ve done a number by giving your son the financial means to piss everything up the wall, but he won’t recognize the opportunity he had until he’s forced to stand on his own feet. So let him.

You can be mad and still love him, just stop bailing them all out. And stop expecting them to make serious adult decisions at a young adult age.

23 year olds aren’t known for their savvy life choices…

I had access to 25K more than that at 18 after suffering a life changing, horrific injury. I suppose most of my peers would have spent it frivolously, but I told everyone I wanted to invest in property, ie, buy my first house and be set up for life. I also spent 3 years travelling after leaving college.

The point is I have always been sensible and level headed with money. Some people are and some people are not. No amount of money can make up for immaturity and short sightedness.

It was his money to spend how and when he chose. It wasn't a loan, it was a gift. I hope he had happiness from it.

Life is short. You never know what's coming. Take it from someone who almost died at nine. You cannot be cross. You can only wish that he's happy.

That is nuts! I see where your problem is!! They've never had anyone say no.

I would have been livid with my DH if he did something like that.

I think I’d also be disappointed, but you could view it that he’s funded his “gap year” he’s got himself a good degree, he’s got the potential to earn well if he so chooses, he will sort himself out.
What if life isnt kind to him and he gets ill or run over by a bus? He might be glad he travelled when he had the chance!

Well if his grandparents wanted him to have the money at this age, then it's to be expected that he would do something like this, especially as he, I presume, has grown up in comfortable circumstances, so he's not desperate to save for the future. Hopefully he'll learn some life lessons soonish. Don't blame yourself.

Why did he send him 9k? Presumably it came out of joint funds?

You and your husband need to decide if you want to have responsible, likeable children or spoilt brats. Stop giving them everything on a plate ffs.

So .. he travelled the world, and is now earning money via Social Media, and seems to be doing quite well at it.

What’s wrong with not wanting to do a 9-5? If you can’t try new stuff when you are young, then when can you? You have a lifetime to be an adult and be stuck paying bills and money, and all that stuff.

It’s only money, not worth ruining your relationship over.

I do agree with this. I also think earning money on Tiktok isn't nothing, for all that it doesn't seem like a proper job (I suspect a lot of what us oldies think of as proper jobs will soon be gone so nothing wrong with some entrepreneurial spirit). I also think that there are worse things he could have done than spending the money on travel.

The big problem here seems to be the lack of agreement between OP and her husband. You can whatever approach you like but if you're undermining one another then it's not going to work.

OP I would be livid too.

In MN-world, all you can do is "support" your children and "not judge" them. It's bonkers. It is totally okay to tell people if you consider they have behaved badly, and it is also okay for actions to have consequences.

For context- I worked through my teens and saved thousands. I spent much of it during my first year, being 18yo and stupid with money.

You know my parents did? Left me to it. I then had much, much less spending money for my second and third years. The result was, I had one crucial first step in managing my finances. It was a lifelong lesson.

I think you are right to be angry. It is okay to express this to your son, moderately. It is also okay to say you are not supporting him anymore. Also, depending on the relationships, I would consider if other potential bequests are coming from close family, you could talk to them.
If they "just want little Johnny to have the money", not much you can do, but if they are people who want to benefit him through buying a house or whatever, you can point out to them he has burnt through one inheritance. They may wish to bequeath him the money but packaged up differently.

My parents have done this with my sister. She had executive dysfunction and spends money like water. They therefore give her the same as the rest of us, but for specific purposes, like paying for work to her house or getting her things. This helps her organise better.

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell me I'm controlling!

This is I think tricky

whose definition of “wise” ?

if I was super rich I’d be happier travelling the world than building even more savings or buying a house

because he has money he can do things that others can’t , tha doesn’t make his choice automatically foolish. He might value the experiences and fun over the office grind. And if the world implodes in a couple
of years time as a result of climate change he’s the one who would be laughing - getting his kicks before the whole things goes to shit

children of rich families often turn out like this - I don’t know why the surprise

engineering degree from Oxford and travelling around the world before setting down at 25 when he has his entire life in front of him?

Who's outperforming who here...

I would be furious as well. We have money saved for dd, but we gave it set up with controls. She can’t spend it on whatever she wants. Some of it is earmarked for education. Some of it she can’t access until she reaches retirement age. We also take financial education seriously. the endless conversations in compounding interest might get boring, but they are important.

you know you made a mistake with your eldest. You can still correct that with your younger children. Even if you can’t put legal controls on the money, you can educate them on the value of using this money to invest in their future.

as for your son, I would expect him to fend for himself. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. If he wants to live at home, he needs to work full time and pay rent. Not a token rent, real rent. Don’t save it for him either. He messed up. He needs to struggle a bit. He also has to deal with living a restricted lifestyle because living with your parents is not the same as living independently and traveling the world. You shouldn’t have to give up the privacy and comfort of your home to accommodate him living like a 23 year old typically wants to live.

If my husband kept funneling money to our child in this situation I would look into splitting finances to limit his ability to go do.

I'd be furious with both my son and my husband over this. Utterly furious.

I agree.

25 is still young, he'll mature and become more responsible.