Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

I thought you were going to say he’d spent it on fast cars, drugs and prostitutes or something but he travelled which is an amazing opportunity and one he may never get again. A lot of people say they will travel once they retire then realise they should have done it when they were younger. He’s only young so plenty of time to settle down. Of course it’s your right to chuck him out if you wish but he hasn’t really done anything wrong.

"my daughter did two days and said 'no offence but its too much work I want to enjoy my summer' then kept asking for money everytime she wanted to go out."

So did you give her the money after she fucked off a great opportunity you arranged? If you did then that's fucked up...

When I ran out of money at university my Mum would post £20 in a card. If I was lucky my granny would send a tenner too. Your DH sent him NINE GRAND? After he spunked the 50k.

Sorry but you’re right. He’s utterly spoilt.

I don’t agree at all with your attitude that he should be in a career you personally deem more worthy. I see absolutely no issue with him being an ‘influencer’ if that’s what he wants to do ave is aware of the risks.

Did your DD actually want to study law/be a lawyer or did you push this route?

I think YABU, he has had a brilliant experience and done exactly what he wanted with his money. Now he's ready to join the workplace and will have those memories forever. If you can't do this in your early 20s when can you

it’s utterly pointless for you to turn off the money tap while your husband is hell bent on continuing

Obviously the mistake you made was not sitting down with him and making a plan for the money. He could’ve had a portion to have fun/travel with, some to get set up in life (rent deposit, car, etc) and some to invest. If the same sums are due for your other children, you have to plan from now so the same doesn’t happen.

One big issue is your husband; you have to be a united front, he can’t bail them out and spoil them behind your back. There’s no point in your son moving out if daddy is going to find a flat for him and probably pay the rent. Sit your son down as a unit and have a serious discussion about his future and what he wants to do. Sounds like he’s good at TikTok and with the audience he’s built, he can start earning from that (to pay back that extra £9k and pay you rent for starters!)

I'm reading this, and lassoed my 18 y.o. in to ask what he thought.

We understand the £50,000 was a gift with no expectations or clauses? So his to do with as he saw fit? Which he did.
I.e. £50k without expectations/clauses, really? To a 20-odd year old, really? Should have been invested for future e.g. Investment ISA, money for a house down payment, etc

He, an adult, then ran out of funds. So, this was when you (as parents) should have told him it was his responsibility to make things right either 1. Work to obtain the money he needed 2. Lend him money that needed to be paid within a certain time.

Every individual is so very different, but parental spending habits and ways of working do affect individuals habits, yes. Going to Oxbridge would have exposed him to too many people whose parents subsidised expensive habits, as well. He may never learn to spend within his means. Or he might. By experience.

It sounds like your DH needs to align with your views and present a united front for actions. Your DS is 25 y.o., an adult and then some. Not 15, like your DH seems to treat/overindulge him. DS needs to be independent and NOT come to parents when in a crisis of his own making..

You keep talking of failing as a parent but you seem to keep making the same mistakes rather than learning from them. You are giving everything to your kids on a plate.

The need to learn to stand on their own two feet. They won't do that if you keep throwing money at them and trying to organise work for them etc. That's your only failure, that you keep doing it. I understand it comes from a place of love but you're really not helping your children to become responsible adults. They'll learn responsibility by having to figure life out for themselves. You really need to take a step back now.

Do you and your husband come from different backgrounds in regards to wealth?

was there a mandate that the grandkids have to be given the money at a certain age? does it have to be given in one lump sum?

if you have the means to be chucking £9k at your son at short notice it’s clear you have a v privileged lifestyle. What money education do the kids have? Have they been given a lot for nothing throughout their teen years?

So your husband has control because he can turn on the money taps whenever needed, and says yes to anything, including a partner moving into your house.

Has he always used money to control people and elicit loyalty and love? Does he do
it to you too?

You can’t turn back time and change what happened. He had the money, and he spent it all exactly how he wanted. Now he’s back home and needs to face a reality check. You need to stop the credit line at the bank of Mom and Dad…

I’m sure, years from now, he’ll look back and regret spending every last penny so recklessly. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sometimes, the best lessons come from learning from your own choices.

I think you should not compare him to his cousin.

Does he live with you?

He IS making a living - just not in the way you imagined.

Something has gone wrong if all 3 are grifters . What a waste , but they are still young and may turn it around. To me though they’ve just looked at the family financial set up and just thought fuck it I’ll get my inheritances and drift through life . They don’t need to graft when family money is coming their way .

Sounds like he has loads of money from his ‘job’ and even more inheritance and parental money. Plus he’s an Oxford engineering grad. Lots of privilege. I’d say ‘you’re on your own’ now and discuss not giving him any more funds with your husband. He needs to stand on his own two feet.

I believe, from ops posts, he's making a handsome living from TikTok.

You sound jealous of him OP. Jealous of how life has turned out for him, jealous that he's got mates who also want to move out and live with him. Jealous of his social media success, jealous of any luck that befalls him.

Who cares that his social media is built on lies? Most social media is, even personal accounts. It's his job. Most jobs are built on lies right from the first interview. Nobody, when asked why they want to work for the company or in that industry, answers "because I have bills to pay, want to own a house and go on holidays".

Are you going to give him more money in the future when he comes, cap in hand for a house deposit?

This is sad. You haven't failed as a parent. Given the choice it would have been wise to save the money for when your son was buying a property, or if he wanted to travel give him 5k of it to blow, but perhaps you didn't have this choice?

If your son's Grandparents wanted him to have this money and gave it to all the Grandchildren then that's beyond your control. Some young people are more frugal and savvy than others. It was given to him and then his to blow. Perhaps he will live to regret blowing the money when he needs a house deposit - perhaps he won't if he earns good money from social media or whatever else.

I do think you are being unreasonable extrapolating your feeling to your other kids. They aren't going to pass a law degree at Durham or get straight As at A level by being total wasters. You should be very proud of them.

Your son that went travelling hasn't killed anybody. He doesn't have a terrible addiction as far as we know, he has just dropped out of the rat race for a while. He might drop back in when he wants something, or might do ok with a slightly alternative life.

I wouldn't kick him out personally. You love him and it sounds like your husband will bank roll his flat if he moves out. I would just encourage him that if he wants to move out, go on holiday etc then he needs to earn money. I would also consider letting the girlfriend move in. She sounds like a grafter and a good influence.

@YourOpenShaker its not your fault sometimes humans are the way they are and no amout of training or advice can make or improve some people, i think sometimes its just in your genetics and then other influences that shape you etc

This^
You cannot hand huge amounts of money to 21 year olds with no strings attached. Sums of this kind must be made available ONLY for a deposit on a home or for further education.

Sounds more like your DHs doing than yours. Sending him 9k when he'd already spent 50k is sending a terrible message. I'd tell DH you need to stop helping him completely, not a penny. He needs to get a job and learn some responsibility and you need to send the message to the younger 2 that it is not acceptable.