Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

And that’s why we’ve drilled into our kids that their money is only for a house deposit and held on to it for them.
We’ve said travelling is to be funded themselves. One would spend it on travelling with no qualms and has actually been given the money now to invest. I don’t think he’d dare spend it.

Did you not make your kids get a job as kids so they could learn about work and money?

Absolutely baffles me that parents are not encouraging their children to get little part time jobs once they turn 16. Out of 4 DC, 3 of mine have had some form of paid income even if a seasonal job once they turned 16. 4th DC not old enough at 13 but he has already been talked to about the importance of a little job.

Is your husband that wealthy that he can support his three children throughout adulthood? He and your kids are so blase about money and career it suggests they think this is the case.

So you are funding three idle children. And your husband gave your son £9k after he'd spent £50k.

I think you & your husband need to question your life choices.

It is possible for social media to open doors and it sounds like this is happening already for your son. It’s not a traditional job but it can turn into a way to make a living. Say he wanted to be a journalist, had studied for it, was now having to work freelance and often unpaid because that’s normal in that career… I think you’d be more understanding because you’d recognize it as a real career that has potential to make real money, just not immediately. If he’s got invited to the f1 and is releasing content of that experience then yeah, this messing around could be leading towards a career in journalism / tv / infotainment. He still has his degree to fall back on (though I know from experience that’s not quite as easy as it sounds!)

Re the money spent so far - I don’t agree with others that it’s silly to give money to young adults. I received a small inheritance at 16 and a larger amount at 25 and never spent it foolishly. I’d rather say that he is an adult and made those choices and has to take the consequences.

You don’t have to enable him or provide extra money but don’t be angry if others do (obviously it would help a lot if you and husband were aligned on this). Actually other people wanting to help him is a good sign that he’s not universally seen as entitled and lazy. Maybe others are seeing potential in him and value in what he’s done so far that you’ve lost sight of

OP it’s blasé not blazeh.

I’m finding it hard to have any sympathy really. You’ve thrown money at those children for their whole lives - did you think they’d magically become self-motivated and independent on the morning of their 18th birthdays or something? You’ve also helicoptered around them, setting up internships and getting jobs for them. Did they go to private schools too? Did you pay the rent on their university accommodation?

Why wouldn’t they think you’d carry on paying out? Your husband is still content to throw money at them. What are you going to do about it?

And for those ‘travel broadens the mind’ types, I’m unconvinced that pissing about in bars in Australia with the other trust fund kids after university is actually teaching anyone anything.

I travelled for about 16 months in my mind 20s, I had worked for 4 years before that, but 16 months of travel was quite a significant expenditure. I'm not a drinker, but accomodation, transport and experiences quickly add up. I had amassed some savings and like your son had an inheritance which I ate into, but didn't spend anything like all of it. Have no regrets on any of that expenditure whatsoever. I returned to work when I eventually got back to the UK, started earning and replenishing my bank accounts. I could just fall back into the same type of job I had before which was pretty well paid. The travel bug didn't really ever leave though, still have it now, and I have travelled quite a lot in the 20 odd years since that time. I think you are being harsh on him and forcing him to move out is only going to damage your relationship with him. He's probably well aware that he's getting more inheritance money eventually and clearly he has good earning potential, so the fact he's spent a significant chunk of cash probably doesn't seem like a big deal to him. Of course he needs a job, but make him contribute to your household expenses, put him in a situation where he has no choice but to work if the money has run out.

And when your DD asked for money over the summer did she get it? In my experience the only way to get teens/uni students in a menial job for spends is if you deliberately keep them short so they need the money.

This all sounds very Vincent van Gogh! Unfortunately one of the things that push VG into numerous mental breakdowns was the pressure and expectations of his very judgemental parents who viewed him as a tearaway and total failure because of his inability to conform into a steady career, despite various misguided attempts financed by them. Eventually, he found his own way in life. The rest, as they say, is history.

Your son will always have the memory of those tremendous travel experiences, which some may argue is money very well spent. He will have learnt a thing or two along the way, (even if just knocking back twenty five tequila shots with aplomb before collapsing).

In the 18th Century (and 19th C), wealthy families would send their children off to experience 'The Grand Tour' through Europe to learn about art and other civilisations (Paris, Italy & Greece) as part of rounding off their education. Seeing the World (or Europe, in those days) was viewed as important asset to developing sophistication and a Worldly attitude instead of remaining green and 'provincial.'

If I had £40K, do you think I'd be still be sitting here writing this shit?

Not a chance!

He's got some great memories to look back on, so it's not completely wasted. You really don't know what's in store in the future so he's just taken the opportunity that he's unlikely to get further down the line.

More fool you and your husband for giving it to him. Sorry but you can't hand 50k to a young adult and think they will behave just as you would want.

if you want him to behave sensibly with money then you need to sit and have some serious chats with him about finances and what it is like to depend on your own salary. you need to mirror good behaviour with money. And you need to make sure your child understands just how much money that was, just how little other people have, just how privileged they are. And then you have to be lucky.

From your post I suspect your children have been taught none of that - or they were and you had bad luck with them.

What he does now is irrelevant - his choice as an adult what job he wants. As long as you aren't paying for it then not your business. Although I suspect your dh will be bailing him out no problem.

What did you do when they were growing up to prepare them for financial literacy and teach hard work is what pays?

They are certainly never going to learn if every time they ask for money they are simply handed it. So first you need to sit your husband down and have a serious word about how you both teach them these lessons now. Stop giving them free handouts!

You want x, we will help you if you save y.
If you need x amount going out today you could ‘insert a job you need doing for them to earn that money’.
Or, every time they ask, ‘sounds like you need a job’.
Give no money, show no emotion, move on and let them work it out.

We have taught my 14yo SS money literacy very early on. How you earn it, how you spend it, how you save it. What things cost abd how the world works. He has his own bank account, bank card and is a smart little cookie and after initial spend ups of everything he ‘earned’ my DH and him sat and had a serious chat as he came to him worried about how he was spending, it was a safe way for him to learn with very little risk and now he has a nice little sum in his account. All parents should teach financial literacy to their children so you can’t blame the kids, but you can take control now.

As for you son who is monetising TikTok, let him crack on. You have no right to dictate how he does earn and if it’s paying and he is supporting himself (as he should be) then I don't really see a problem. My DH has a cousin who makes money the same way and is doing perfectly well on it too, when that revenue dries up it is up to your son to work out how he replaces that with something else at the end of the day, but no more handouts, be clear and mean it.

Stop judging, stop enabling and start teaching.

Start talking about going on your own gap year.
Also how you feel after top universities you'll be giving family money to charities when you snuff it. Do a Gates.

Your children don't know / have never been taught the real value of money and hard work. Sorry to say it, but they sound over privileged and not in touch with real life.

If he's lucky, this sharp shock will buck his ideas up and he'll still find a well paying job. But he might not, and when he's behind his siblings and cousins and struggling to pay rent every month, he will deeply regret throwing away that £50K. That kind of money should be a once in a lifetime kind of gift, and he should be old enough to know what a leg up it is (or rather, was).

No point chastising him now it's gone, but I think you've done the right thing, making him go and stand on his own 2 feet. I certainly wouldn't give him any more, until he's ready to invest in a property. That was the condition of the financial gift given to my husband and I – we didn't get it until we were on the brink of getting a mortgage.

@YourOpenShaker no you haven't failed as a parent and please stop beating yourself up about this. Your son spent a lot of money on his travels. That's not your fault. He makes money now from TikTok. That's great. What exactly are you worried about?

Yikes. 😲

You should be proud of him, he has seriously achieved in many areas that most under 30s could only dream of.

Our job as parents is to stitch their wings up and teach them how to fly. And he is doing just that! You don't get to knock him down because he is going in his direction, not yours!!

He was gifted that money, as a reward for his hard work?

Your daughter sounds like she has worked bloody hard too! They will both settle down and start making better choices as the natural consequences start coming in...why can't you just let them be carefree young adults without so much anger and resentment?! They have a lifetime of responsibility ahead of them.

While they are not hurting people, on drugs or benefits or committing crime..educated with the potential to be very economically active, you have been a good parent. Now just love them and let them get on with it.

My perspective I came from nothing, had to work for everything and went to Uni with people who could fall back on parents and I envied their confidence. My goodness I want my kids to enjoy my hard work. He’s bright, he’s got a great degree, he’s got a lifetime of work before him. What better use of £50k than going off and having the time of his life? Most people never get opportunities like this or by the time they can afford it, they’re too scared. Enjoy your good fortune, this is what life is for

How can he say he is making a living when he's expecting his gf to be accommodated by you ? If he is unable to pay for his bills as well as the expense of having a lot of fun then he's not making enough to support all that without asking you to subsidise a lot of it. Your DH living vicariously through his son is really not helping here. Maybe he will make good money through his social media stuff but he still has to make all the maths add up.

Stop projecting your upset onto your children. The way you talk about them...
Your son has been invited to F1 GP with all expenses paid. How many people do you think have this opportunity? Do you not respect at all where he got in life at such a young age? Is it because he is not sitting at a factory? As a fresh grad he won't be designing cars there, he'll be doing the most boring tasks there are. But, in your opinion, he'll be working hard and that's all that matters.
He is living his life, enjoying what he does and is getting recognition for it but it is still not enough for you.
Daughter is the same. Studies at a good university but still has to appease you by doing a cafe job or unpaid internship instead of enjoying her uni summers.

Will they ever be enough for you? Honestly?

Why did you gift him 50k? If he was about to buy a home then yes give it to him at that point for a deposit or if he was getting married. I don't understand why you would just give a large sum away unless you are mega rich. Your son has pissed it away as he has no regard for money. Your husband is right though you can't be mad because you choose to give it to him with no stipulations. More fool you.

Op can I say, you are being too hard on yourself. This laziness is also generational. You must have instilled some kind of work ethic into the kids to do so well at school and uni. These achievements are amazing and if you are to blame for their failings then you need to take credit for their achievements surely?? Please take into consideration free will of these kids and other influences. Although it does sound like your husband does indulge your son , to some degree so do alot of parents , your reaction being so disappointed makes me wonder if actually you have raised them better then this! Myself as a mum always taught the kids good work ethics and taught them money doesn't grow on trees and so on... yet one of mine turned to me and said they want to be an influencer and dont want to work... this 100 per cent did not come from their up bringing from me. The only difference was in our house my husband said sure no problem off you go, but dont ask me for any money if that's your choice... needless to say that response put an end to that nonsense. You can get your kids to understand the value of money too. Honestly just go with your own gut and talk to your kids and dont be afraid to cut the money off, without throwing them out of course lol. Good luck Op. X

I inherited about £20k at a similar age and also spent it on travel and fun holidays. A little regret now, but not much those were formative memories. I am now mid 40s have a house and good job.

You haven't failed. He has an Oxford degree in engineering. He won't lose that.
Our dcs are much the same- they inherited from Grandparents and spent it. They were young/mid twenties. There was absolutely nothing we could do about it.