Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

I don't think travel is a waste of money but he certainly could have done it for a lot less.

The bigger problem is you have three, veey intelligent but rather spoilt, entitled, lazy children.

They aren't stupid - they have just gotten used to the fact that they don't have to be responsible or hardworking.

Why? Because they are constantly bank rolled, parents get friend to hire them, zero consequences, free housing and bills for as long as they want. A father who throws money at them just because it's a £9k emergency. A mother who enbables this too.

They don't have to be responsible, ambitious or hardworking because there's zero downside. They get everything they want with ease and there's no end to it.

Why young person wouldn't opt for a handy life, free of consequences? You & your DH make it far too easy.

Why didn’t the grandparents/you put the money in a trust. DT’s have their inheritance in trusts - in the meantime they are working full time to progress their careers.

Why on earth did you hand him £50k? Surely you should have given it to him for something specific such as a deposit for a house or for a masters or held on to it until he was settled. To be fair, you only have yourself to blame.

OP says she went to oxford, but doesnt know how to use punctuation.

I think this is made up...

Yes my DS is fond of travelling but does it on a budget. He can't afford that sort of travel style. He's currently saving to travel more and get a WHV. Why would that be a bad thing. I'm encouraging him all the way

Better than the school, uni, job, mortgage, marriage, kids, ritement death that lots of people promote.

You seem a bit strange OP. I would be very annoyed if either of my DS's did this so I agree with you there but I don't understand you being so annoyed and bitter at your DS being lucky and things working out for him. You should be relieved and glad that he's ok.

I suspect you've put huge amounts of pressure on your children to succeed academically and this was partly to make you feel like a success at raising such clever and successful children. Hence why you're beating yourself up for failing as a parent. I think you wanted the social status of having a conventionally successful family and we can see this by your constant boasting about their grades.

That's quite a big following on Tik Tok so you could say that he invested the 50k.

As someone currently jobhunting, I see a lot of marketing roles looking for people with experience of cultivating and growing audiences on platforms like TikTok - it's massively valuable to brands wanting to market to Gen Alpha. So he is building valuable skills, albeit somewhat dishonestly if he's framing his travelling as something achievable without family money.

With 100k followers I'm sure there'll be a Tattle thread on him about this very issue before long.

I think if I had fifty grand to give my 21 year old, and she said she was going to use it to put down a deposit on a house, I'd say, "God, no, don't do that. There's plenty of time. If I were you, I'd hit the road and travel. Just keep going for as long as you can make the money last."

As the others of similar age have invested and just yours with the attitude to work ethic and money where is the common dominator.

Wow OP, you are getting all the judgement here. It’s very difficult to raise a kid with your values when your spouse is pulling in a different direction. Nigh on impossible, I’d say.

Id be absolutely furious if my partner had given a kid an additional £9k of family money after they’d spent it. Next time any of them ask for expensive stuff/ a lend, I’d say “no, sorry, I’ve worked hard for my money and you need to do the same now. We love you and will always be here for you but you should no longer expect financial support. Go spread your wings”

All young people have to learn how easy it is to waste money, but I think you do it by wasting what you have earned. As a very young chef, often working 12 and 13 hour days, DC saved £5k and blew it on three weeks in the US. Since rebuilding the savings, there's been no second bout of extravagance.

Hmm I mean it isn't ideal if the condition of having the money was to buy a house? Was it? I imagine if he's got an engineering degree from Oxford he's probably had his head down for years and not had much chance to enjoy being young. I went traveling in my early 20's after uni, I'd had a decent job for over a year after graduating and saved hard to pay for my travels, my parents were furious I had turned down a phd to travel and actually told me I was "throwing my life away", very dramatic. In reality I had 18 months traveling and partying living my best life. My parents did also bail me out at the end when I couldn't afford a flight home after my round the world return ticket expired after 12 months (it was only £500 I "borrowed" not thousands). I eventually came home and continued my career where I left off, went and got my phd and settled down and did all the usual stuff you are meant to do.

Your son just needs to get this traveling etc out of his system, with a degree from Oxford he isn't going to be struggling for work when he decides he's ready to have a grown up job. I don't regret my traveling, in fact I'd encourage my children to do the same post uni, I just wouldn't be handing them 50k the month before they go!

I guess your privileged child is just acting like a privileged child...

OP, I think the problem isn't how you brought up your kids, but how you husband has. You've pushed them to get jobs, to save etc.

He does sound a bit pathetic trying to live vicariously through his son, you need a serious talk with him about how he's not helping his son to grow up.

I think you need to cut off financial support to your kids, other than providing them with a roof over their heads, for your son now, for your daughter as soon as she finishes her degree.

I wouldn't fund a postgrad for her, she can use her grandparents money for this.

I found this thread very interesting as my DD, 22, has been left £50k in my Mums will - I'm the excutor, so have to give it to her once mums house is sold. I'm encouraging her to put the majority away in some sort of savings account, but I can't control it, and it is a worry. She'd pretty sensible, and she's always had a part-time job during college, but it's such a lot.

Yes. Except he is asking for more, from his father, as he can’t even manage on that huge amount. His father gave him money which does impact on OP. I too would be disappointed.

What a snidey and smug post. Well done you and your kids. It must all have been down to you and lack of money.

I don't think that this is the end of the world. He spent lots of money, he has lots more coming to him. He's doing OK to tiktok, rich people tend to, he's got a degree to fall back on, he's having the time of his life. You've raised your son to live a life of privilege and that's what he is doing. It's not a crime to move easily through life. I worry a lot that my kids will struggle like I did, how great that you don't have that worry for them.

Those saying he is an adult .. yes he is but op should not be bankrolling him . He needs to move out and pay for his own stuff .

No comment on whether you were unreasonable or not but young adults given large amounts of money are notorious for spending it badly.

to be honest if he has used it to travel and see the world I would not consider it wasted.

my brother and I both inherited money from my grandma - mine went into house deposit his went into travelling round the world.

he went into the bbc afterwards and became news correspondent from various locations.

if you give that sort of money to young adults - well, some might have spend it on drugs and booze.

this is why most parents say it’s for your first house etc rather than giving it outright.

you must be so much fun at parties 😂

I understand his grandparents wanted them all to have the money, if they didn’t set the rules they wished it to be used for then it’s not for you to be mad about how it’s been spent.
I would be furious with my children if they blew that much money but I suspect we are from different worlds…. My DH wouldn’t be able to just send 9k without telling me as we don’t have it. We’d be able to stretch to flights home once our child had run out of money but that would be it.
My children have accounts that have been set up by grandparents, money has been put into it each month since they were born but it won’t be anywhere near 50k by the time they are 23.
That money is for housing needs, their grandparents grew up in poverty, one in particular lived in various homes that were tied to her own Fathers job, when he passed away the family were evicted…. Everyone is aware what that money is for, my children know it despite being fairly young, it’s not necessarily a gift because of strings that are attached.
Our kids know the value of money, they know how many hours I would have to work to afford the things they love to do, not because I ram it down their throats, but because they see me budget, list the weekly shops etc
Big school trips that cost 000’s they are expected to contribute to, using their chore money or they save their birthday/xmas money. Out of a recent school trip that cost over £400 our middle son cleaned cars etc for friends and family and was so proud to pay off the final £80 himself.
I would be expecting your son to either be contributing to bills whilst being at home or as you have, ask him to move out if it’s something you and your DH can agree on (which sounds unlikely)
If they can make their way earning by social media etc then that’s great, if you don’t give them anymore money then they can live how they choose and you can’t judge them for it.

Exactly this.

Has he wasted it though? He's probably had more experiences in that time than many people do in a lifetime.

However he shouldn't be poncing more money for plane tickets etc. it's up to him to pay those costs

Op, I understand your frustration but I don't think you can blame yourself if your DH isn't on the same page.

How wealthy are you as a couple? This is relevant as it's more challenging to impose financial values when your children see Mum& Dad (& grandparents):have lots of wealth. My niece is in this situation as my brother is very wealthy and she knows Dad will always pick up the pieces. No matter what message he sends she knows Dad will buy the car & house, pay for the wedding.

Secondly, did your children go to pushy schools? I've frequently seen grads burn out post Uni because for 10 years they have slogged through education and when freedom comes they go wild.

In the case of your daughter, is she associating with wealthy students? that will impact her choices around work. There are many students who are completely funded and would not consider working.

Upshot, it's likely there are several factors outside yourself which has created this dynamic. You can only be responsible for your input. Perhaps your work ethic won't be lost on them when they eventually mature.

Who was it that raised both those “spoilt spoilt spoilt” son and daughter of yours?

Who was it, again?

Right.

lol

Yes, your son needs to move out of your house - but not as ‘punishment’. He should move because there’s zero need for him to still be at home at his age and you say he’s making good money from the TikTok stuff.

Get him to move out, don’t give him any more financial help (and make sure your DH doesn’t either!), and keep your fingers crossed that he learns some financial sense and maturity. Pissing away £50k on a round the world trip he could have done for far less is pathetic. He’ll value money more if he has to be responsible for all his own bills. He should also pay back the £9k - whether you need it or not, because it’s part of learning financial responsibility.

Coddling children, doshing out cash whenever they want it isn’t being kind. It’s ensuring they grow up spoilt with no understanding of money’s worth or ability to look after themselves financially. I don’t think it does much for their character either.