Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

@YourOpenShaker thank you for your post. It reinforces my decision not to leave substantial sums to my niece and nephew. They are very comfortable and, like your children, really not ambitious and used to money just appearing. I'll be leaving them a similar amount to what your son has blown through, but the estate is substantial. My residence will go to a domestic violence charity as emergency accommodation for women and children fleeing domestic violence. It's fully set up, so they can come with nothing. There's a backyard, so they can also bring their pets. The rest I'm still working through. It's highly likely to go to various charities.

If he wants to live with his girlfriend, they can find their own place. He needs a dose of reality and a fall back plan for when his social media career dies.

No- 16 year olds should spend their weekends doing some studying, exercise and seeing friends.

They already have a full time job- school. I certainly wouldn’t want to spend all week at work and then do the same again at weekends.

Same here. And bring me wirh you😁

I totally agree. I've been gifted money before, without strings but I haven't done anything as selfish with it. The money that came from my grandparents I ringfenced for important things and some from my grandad went straight onto my mortgage. I would feel horrendous if I drunk it away. I know my nan saved years for that, because she didn't have much.

Do you think he might just have got fed up with the pressure of being judged by academic achievement and expectations that he followed a certain path. He has the top qualification and inteligence so he will get the career job when he is ready. Just don't fund his choices and leave them as his choices and dont be too jelous he is doing what we all wished we did at that age. He is young. Far too early to label him as anything.

Whilst £50k sounds a lot, he’s been gone and lived off it for around the same time he could have earnt the same in a relatively low paid average job and spent his earnings and not saved anything. How much do you spend in the same time period just existing and living?

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. I don’t agree with the pps who say it’s great he travelled with the money. It’s great to travel but that’s luxury travel. He could have done the same on massively less ; planning journeys, negotiating… not a Cox and Kings lux adventure. It’s very difficult when money is just given and grandparents seem to do this. I don’t think your husband is helping but it sounds as though you are trying your best. That sort of money is a few year’s salary and I can totally understand how you feel.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but your H is now by making life easy for him.

He's blown £50k so it's up to him now to earn and save.

If you keep bailing him out he will never learn.

The only thing you could have done is to have told him you expected him to use the money wisely.

Our 2 kids had the same money at a younger age (inheritance) and one invested it- now doubled- and the other used it for a house.

Obviously they could have ignored our wishes/ advice but they are both hard working kids with a good work ethic and both in their late 30s now with sound finances.

God, imagine working hard enough to get 4 A*s at A level and then spending term time doing Law at Durham only for your Mum to be wringing her hands at how she's "failed" because you want to take your summer holiday as a holiday. I really wouldn't be surprised if all of your "failures" eventually get sick of trying to impress you and leave you alone with your impossibly high standards. It sounds like your eldest and your DH are already there.

As much as I can understand why you hate this and want better for him, as someone with a corporate job, he probably has a lot of life to spend in an office… If he has the means to travel whilst young and make an easy living off of social media for a while then why not? He’s got a degree from Oxford - he will not stick for real work if he actually wants it.

Your son rocks!

He is enjoying life and making money his way.

I think you may be worried that your husband's life is expanding. That's why you're annoyed by your son and his influence. You cannot shrink them or their lives.

I understand this...
But £50k. He was hardly backpacking was he! He could have travelled comfortably on half that.

What strikes me is that you feel you’ve failed as a parent. You really haven’t. We’re adults (hopefully) a long time. He’ll possibly look back at this and wonder why he didn’t spend it differently. Or maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll look back and think “that was fun.” Maybe he’ll think that when he’s sitting at his desk for hours, earning money to pay bills. Is that a more worthy use of money? I don’t know.

I’d love to give my children 50k and if I could, I’d tell them to use it to have adventures. You’ve given him an amazing gift.

I struggle with grammar. I have two BA degrees and two post grads.

Im really sorry you feel so upset about this - I think your husband isn't helping - sending him the 9k. He's complicit in this by the sounds of it

@goz It wasn't 'random' it was an inheritance.

We did the same. Both our children were given £50K each as an inheritance from a grandparent. We told them it was only for a house deposit or education (both had graduated by then.) One of them invested it and it's now doubled in value, the other bought their first flat with it as a deposit.

One of the cleverest people I know - PhD and massively responsible job - cannot punctuate for shit, because he is dyslexic.

My DH went to Oxford in the 90s and did manage to have a social life as well as studying, but that isn’t true of most of the students I know now, certainly not at a ‘play hard’ level. Particularly in third year or Masters. DPhil is a bit more flexible, obvs.

So did I. I've spent my whole life paying it off.

Perhaps that's why I'm advising against it.

Also, he's in for a shock if he thinks he can sustain a career in content creation without hard work. It's constant hustling behind the scenes

I had a mortgage at 23. Never married, previous partners complete waste of space never contributed anything, the only thing that I was secure in was my home. Fast forward to 55 was able to retire as I became ill, was worried for couple of years how I would manage but luckily paid off mortgage early only small house. Would have like to worked bit longer but there was no way I could continue. Wonder what I would have done if I was still having to pay a mortgage? I see my neighbours in their late 60’s having to pay private rent just been told to leave as the landlord putting house on the market husband highly educated to masters level, still working low level admin job. Must be terribly worrying. All I can say is thank god I got a mortgage early.

I worked my way around Australia after college, I think travelling is fantastic for young people, but they don't need £50k to do it!

I worked all hours I could get in a shoe shop after college, and lived at home with no rent as my parents were supporting me to save, so I headed off with £2k and a work visa, and was gone for 18 months, waitressing mostly, and managed to save money in Australia to spend a couple of months in Thailand.

I think a working holiday is a great way to grow up and see the world, an 18 month holiday, not so much.

Maybe the grandparents wanted him to have free rein

You have a husband problem.
He is enabling your children to be work-shy as he will always swoop in and save them.
they are very smart children and they know this.
they also clearly see that your husband is the weak link and that you’re not a united front on this.

i was lucky to be brought up in a privileged family, but it was made very clear to me (and my brothers) from a very young age that “you’ll need to work hard to afford the life you’ve become accustomed to”.
My parents were united and said good work ethic would be rewarded (eg good school reports and I could go on a school trip).
My parents were always very clear, their money is their money. They have no problem spending some of it to help/reward us kids, but only if we earn it/are good people etc.
they subsidise occasional family holidays e.g. pay flights
they pay ~75% of our meals out.

my dads favourite joke is still that he loves SKI-ing - Spending the Kids Inheritance 😂

It was also crystal clear to us, that they would help support us whilst in education. After this, we were expected to pay 100% our own way. If we wanted to live at home, we would pay rent/utilities/food etc.

Im 32 and I know now if I was rude/lazy, my parents will not swoop in and save me. I got a job straight out of uni and have supported me self independently since. I’m proud of this, and despite knowing I have a solid safety net to fallback on, I absolutely never will.

Did you grow up poor or in poverty, OP?

I only ask as you must know that if you did then your life experiences will be colouring this situation with your son (and your other children!) in a negative light.

Firstly, I think your children not knowing hardship is ultimately a good thing. While hardship is a mentor all by itself, it's better to be able to provide adequately than to force children to go without out of necessity.

Secondly, this money was a gift to an adult. An adult who, ultimately, did not use it wisely, or at least what you would consider to be wise. I agree with you - I think it's a shame that nothing physically tangible will come out of the £50,000, and is a huge missed opportunity.

However, I notice that your post is mostly about you and your self-perception. You feel that your son's behaviour has reflected poorly on you as a parent. Whether it has or not us yet to be seen as far as I can tell! Young adults aren't really known for their wisdom and long-term planning!

I think asking him to provide for himself and move out is fair, considering the circumstances. If he had been working and saving I wouldn't think it fair to toss him out.

Also, his social media presence isn't to be sniffed at! Running a social media account is a lot of work and can lead to very lucrative opportunities, so watch this space! If he's enthused by it and is being consistent with it, what's the harm in encouraging him? It may very well turn into a career!

YABU because the money seems to have come with caveats that were never said ("only use it wisely!") but also YANBU to be upset - your feelings are valid.