Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

YABU

You can’t be mad at your kids for not understanding the value of money when you admit you’ve both spoiled them.

£48k is an eye watering amount for me and I couldn’t save that in the next 20 years if I tried.
So I would be absolutely heartbroken that it has all gone.

However, it is his money.
He can do whatever he wants with it and I’d much rather my child went travelling then did nothing and blew it on casinos etc.

You don’t get to decide what is and isn’t acceptable to spend it on, just like he doesn’t get to decide what you should spend your money on.

You cannot kick him out of your house over it.
But you can say that the gf cannot stay for more than X amount of time and if they want to live together then they need to find their own place.

Frankly, you need to get over it as what’s done is done and he’s the one that will be kicking himself in a few years time.

FWIW I knew someone who got £200k inheritance. He was very sensible and bought a house with it and continued working.
He then met a woman who moved in with him, they had a baby and then she cheated and they broke up. She had no where to go, so he moved out and continued to work and pay rent on somewhere else and pay a lot for the child, whilst she didn’t work and lived in the home rent free.
He had to pay the courts to remove her from his home and got in so much debt over it that the house was sold and he didn’t have enough to buy a new one and is still in rented accommodation.

So even if your son was more sensible, doesn’t mean things would have ended any better.

No, have I missed the part where OP said her son did? I can't find it.

Oh.. so it's just you disapprove of the life he's choosing to live.

Hint. Not your life, you don't get to tell him how to live it.

Also, if he has further inheritance coming, you don't get to decide he can't have it, it isn't your money to decide to keep.

I get you’re disappointed. Your kids are obviously very privileged & I think you’re expecting a level of understanding about their circumstances they can’t understand due to youth and life experiences. He has blown through the money but he has also travelled & worked, that life experience is amazing. He will soon realise the error of his ways when it comes to buying and renting and how much easier it would have been if he still had this money.

as for your other children. I find it hard to imagine they’re without some drive, you can’t have 3 children that are this academically gifted and yet have no motivation. If my kids did this I would be equally sick and unhappy, but I would probably have to say the husband response even though I don’t agree with the excuses he’s making for you lad is probably in response to yours. I do think the right reaction is between the two. He’s been reckless and from this moment on any financial help stops. I wouldn’t give him a penny.

I can completely understand why you are upset but it was foolish to give him that money if you wanted a say on how he spent it. A man I worked with gifted both his children £20k on their 18th birthday. His oldest son saved it, added to it over five years and used it as a house deposit. His daughter spent it on travelling over 6 months. He used to moan so much about how his daughter had wasted the money and how he would have to “help” her get on the property ladder eventually. Firstly, I think if he wanted it to be used as a deposit he should have held on to that money until the point she was buying a house. Secondly, his daughter knew she would still get financial help for the big things in life - she was also spoilt - so had no incentive to save it.
Sounds like you have more money than you know what to do with - I wouldn’t dream of asking my parents for £90 to continue my holiday, let alone £9k!! Do your children pay you any rent/ contribute towards bills?

Did you grow up in a wealthy family and used to having everything you wanted paid for?

OP, you've said your son has no concept of money, you want him to learn the value of things, you want him to know what it's like to work hard for something and achieve it, but what have you actually done to teach him any of this? I appreciate that it sounds like your husband is the kind of person who just throws money around, but you could have done some work with all of your children on finances and budgeting. You still can! Do they travel with you? Give them a budget and get them to plan a holiday - flights, accommodation, food costs, excursions/activities, general spending money, etc. Get them involved with groceries, again sticking to a budget (if you don't have a set budget just work out what you have been spending on average) and making sure they include food for all meals plus snacks. Talk to them about bills and what percentage of your income is spent on power, wifi etc. Talk about the pros and cons of owning a home vs renting, and how to achieve that (without asking Dad for money all of the time). Finally, please make sure they know how privileged they are and that not everyone has the same experience, get them donating old clothes etc., find a local charity they can support, perhaps all sign up for a sponsored run or something similar.
The only way your children learn the value of money and hard work is if you teach them.

No, I had money from my nan that she saved for, inherited money from both nans, inherited money from my grandad and money from my parents. None of it I drunk away even though it had no strings. I would feel horrendously guilty for drinking away the money my nan saved and even the inherited money, it feels disrespectful to me.

Gift or not, I would be upset with this too OP

And this is why my children will not be receiving the money passed down to them from my incredibly hard working grandparents until they have a very specific and useful thing to spend it on. It has been given to me to safeguard until I see fit. I will take from it for some ‘fun’ stuff like a bit of travelling if they want to go but most of it will be kept for a house probably.
OP I too would be incredibly disappointed and angry with my children if this is what they’d done.

No!!! Don't let him do this to you! You'll never get rid of the freeloaders!

That's probably the difference though as you knew your nan didn't have much. If the money came from super wealthy grandparents and you'd grown up very well off you may feel differently

He can start paying his way now can't he??

Yo reap what you sow OP. Your husband is part of the problem.

Yes he needs to move out and learn how to adult..sounds like all your kids do.

@YourOpenShaker this seriously reads like a wind up, I hope for your sake that it is. If it isn’t then it’s not your fault OP as you sound like a good mother who simply wants the best for her children. Your DH is the problem here being too soft handing out money. You’ve given your DS (and your other kids) a fantastic and expensive education so of course you’d expect him to want a good job where he can build a career.

It seems to be quite common now for young people to want to do as little work as possible but for a huge amount of money, so basically being an ‘influencer’ where they get lots of likes, free stuff and invites to events. Most aren’t successful enough to make a decent and consistent living. ‘Influencers’ need to have something unique about them constantly to get the views in the first place. That requires more effort than people realise once the initial buzz has worn off.

Make him stand on his own two feet and your DH needs to support your decision for the good of all your children. This will set a stern example to your DS’s younger siblings that you mean business.

Dad seems to be enabling a tiny bit but that may be because he would have loved that kind of cash when young. Hope you are okay OP ❤️

@YourGreenCat travelling is a great thing to do, a wonderful experience, and educational too. It’s a really good thing for young people to do. But most of them work to save the money, manage to save about £2000, then off they go for few months of roughing it in exotic places. They might need the odd grand from their parents if they travel for longer. But OP’s son got through £48,000, and then had another £9000 of family money on top of that. Surely you don’t think that’s a healthy amount of money to spend on a bit of youth travelling?

It doesn't sound as though you like your husband or children much - all your posts have so much negative judgement about them. Does your husband have a good income - and is the money coming in from his family or your family? What happens if you split up?

I think the OP is ridiculous, but in fairness, complaining about your 3 kids being "spoilt" has something to do with the parenting

I find some people are super smart, but have none or little common sense.

Your husband needs to stop saving him

So? My Dad got a £50k bonus in 2014, my parents spent it on a luxury round the world trip for the whole family. They have no regrets, that's what they wanted to do with their money. If someone gave me £50k I'd put most of it towards the mortgage but my brother would say that's a waste because mortgage interest is less than what he can make in investments. We all have different priorities. It was his choice and it's not up to OP or anyone else to judge whether it was "worth it."

OP is very lucky to have 3 high achieving children and they are entitled to have fun. If she had specific plans for that £50k, she shouldn't have given it him.

Sorry to sound harsh, all 3 of your kids don't know the value of money, obviously they've never had to skrimp and save to buy things, this is all your own doing.
At 13 years old I was desperate for my own pony, I was horse mad, still am 40 years later, my parents told me I had to buy him myself, I sold my British Telecom shares i had bought 2 years previously, he Was £500!
My god my parents taught me the value of money.
The saying goes 'create a monster you have to feed it'

I’d not move the girlfriend in, I agree with getting him to move out but is your dh honestly going to pay his rent? He must be made of money! Is there something you want to do? I’d take a decent amount of money and do it- no matter what. Tell your dh that if we have it to throw away on a 25 year old even though you think he’s so successful it’s about time I got a chance to do something so I’ve spent 5k on …. . If he protests I’d say wait a second, you think we have spare money to pay rent for our adult children who you also keep telling me are so successful, but you don’t want me to spend anything?! If we are short stop subsidising him and let him have the essential step of paying his own bills. Not calling daddy and getting handed 9k. If we are going to basically burn money I should at least get to spend some instead.

It's not fair at all to say that OP only has herself to blame!

And smacks of resentment that she's well off with academically very able children, which I think is a tone in a lot of the responses.

The kids had a priviledged up-bringing, and sadly neither seems to have a work ethic outside of their school and university work, which they have obviously excelled at! I understand the OPs frustration that her very bright children are not making the most of the opportunities they have.

It sounds like it's time for a bit of tough love for her son - no more bailing out by Daddy, and a different tack for her daughter when she graduates, pushing her to get a job or do a postgrad.

Edited to say that the money came from grandparents, not the OP, not her choice to give it to her kids. Her husband was totally wrong to give their DS £9k to continue his travels - a ticket home would have been as far as I'd have gone.

Wow, your post is positively dripping with envy…