Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

I think most young people that age would struggle to manage £50,000 sensibly. However, it's not all that bad. He chose to spend it on travel, at a time of his life where he is young and free to experience the world. I don't think that's a poor decision really. His priorities and yours just aren't the same. He seems to have done a lot of travel, so spending that amount on it isn't unrealistic. Maybe he thought he could save up for a house deposit and responsible adult stuff later and travel now? I'd just talk to him about the pros and cons of each option and then he has to decide.

He seems to be making some money as an influencer. If that works for him, even if it's not a career you'd have chosen for him, then good on him. He is doing something. It's not what I would chose for my children either, I'd be concerned it might be insecure and not last long, but that sort of thing has to be their choice. As long as they can cover their expenses and lives, they have to chose their own path.

I don't think you're wrong to tell him it's time to stand on his own two feet but I wouldn't tell him to go away and not bother me. That's just unkind.

Your son may chose a less conventional path in life than you have, that's not necessarily wrong if it works for him and makes him happy. Look at the positives. He's managed to navigate travel himself, he's got a good degree, he's very young and has a lot of potential and opportunity to change paths if he wants.

Maybe you need to let go of the idea that your son will follow the path you have mapped out in your head and think he should live? As long as he starts supporting himself and not leaning on you all the time, he has to make his own way in the world.

I do think extensive travel is probably a good use of it if it was going to be spent

I think this is the best way to look at it op.

Yes, he has been feckless; yes he has been dishonest; yes, you are right to be disappointed; and yes, he has acted immaturely.

But your DH is also right: he is at an age where some people are not fully mature. If you can see it as not entirely wasted - and travel IS life experience - you might feel more able to move on and let it lie in the past. But I'd be having a long talk with him to say you hope it really is in the past. Ultimately this isn;t about you or your disappointment: its about how he will manage his life, and he needs to think about that.

You have

Not much you can do for what’s in the past. Stop spoiling them and bailing them out. There’s no chance on this earth I’d be helping out with flats etc for someone who has pissed £50k up the wall. Your husband needs his arse booted for that

You reap what you sow.

I think that if you wanted him to use it for something sensible then that needed to be discussed and agreed before it was handed over. My Mum gave me 20k when I was 23 but with the express instructions that it was only intended to be used for a house deposit. That's what I did. I knew also that I was not likely to see that kind of money again from my Mum because I knew the life we had growing up and how hard she had worked for it and scrimped and saved over the years. I wouldn't have messed that up for her.

I definitely spent my fair share of my own money on frivolous stuff and travelling over the years, but not the pot from my Mum - that was precious

Giving kids a lump sum can go horribly wrong, I've seen it a few times, it's hard to predict who's going to go off the rails and spend it recklessly - that's why you don't hand over the funds (or tell them about the funds) till you feel they need them. But it's done now and he has to live with the consequences. I think it's time to cut off Bank of Mum & Dad. No more treats - if he wants nice things - he'll have to work for them. I think it's unlikely you'll kick him out but I think you need to stop giving handouts.

And stop blaming yourself - he did this - he needs to carry it, not you.

Yet again we having 'gifting' money with conditions. It's a control thing and so so common in families. I will give you money but unless you spend it according to my values or my expectations then you have wasted it. If you give money as a true gift you dont judge how it is spent.

How much is he earning off his videos?

I understand your anger and frustration but I think you need to accept we can't force our children to do what we'd like them to do. They've grown up with different influences and don't see life the way we did in "our day". Earning money from Tiktok is an achievement, travelling extensively is an amazing experience.

My kids are adopted so I was always wary about handing them money I'd have no control over as I was less clear about how they would turn out. So we never built up savings accounts for them like my parents did. One had a government-provided child trust fund (doubled money as adopted) and spent the lot / had it scammed off them within weeks of turning 18. I was thankful it was solely government money, not mine.

My brother was very academic. Couldn't decide on a career after university. Frittered away 10 years on jobs he could have done upon leaving school, was made redundant from one and used the redundancy to travel for 6 months instead of a cushion to provide for his future. He eventually settled on a career reasonably suited to his qualifications. I'm sure my parents were in despair at times.

You can't punish your son for not being like you. I'd be annoyed if my DH sent extra money without my agreement though (but it is something I could see him doing as it happens).

I agree that if you are a wealthy family then this isnt a big deal. Your son is now making some money from tik tok so that's good. A 9-5 job is dull so I undsrstand why your son has opted to travel and become an influencer!
Presumanly he doesnt need to worry avout a house deposit because his next inheritance or your husband will provide!

OP, he's still young. At least he's been able to travel. He will settle down - probably quite soon - and he'll no doubt get a great job. As he matures, he'll realise the value of money - especially when it's him earning it! He'll pay you back one day. It will all be worth it. Don't beat yourself up - it will all work out.

Yeah my dear old mum was a smart one
nothing got past her 😂

but doing it this way meant he could have a blow out and still be in the position to buy a property
I had some leeway as the executor - trustee so even after a deposit for a house and buying all the furniture and stuff he still had around 25k left which is there for emergencies

she would have haunted him if he wasted the money on crap

I appreciate that you need to vent.
Firstly, all your children are/have been working extremely hard to achieve the academic results they have so cut them some slack - they’re not lazy - far from it.
Young people needs guidance when it comes to money. He should have been told he could have it on the condition it goes towards a flat, for example. He was reckless with his spending but it sounds like he’s had an incredible time and when he does settle down will hopefully have the travelling out of his system. I didn’t ’grow up’ until I was in my 30s. I’m so glad I travelled.
Going forward, you obviously need to be a bit tougher with money and let him experience the struggle of working in London and not having a great deal of money. That should sort him out.

You gave a 23 year £50k and they spent it? What did you think was going to happen?

That was really smart.

I can understand you being annoyed and it seems that he wasn’t prepared to hold down a job whilst he had that money. Now’s he’s spent it he needs to be told that there will be no more money, he has to work for it! you know the saying, easy come, easy go!

I’d leave the lot of them to it OP. Get divorced, get a place of your own, and don’t give them a penny more (except if you want to contribute to uni accommodation).

I do think YABU to be hacked off that the job your son has is not the one you want him to have.

My son inherited the best part of 250k from my parents
but they wrote in the will a clause that gave him 5k to blow on crap 😂
a set amount for a car
to pay off any debts
what ever was left it was only to be used for house deposit
I was the executor , trustee of the will so I made sure it wasn’t wasted

if your son is going to inherit again in the future maybe speak to whoever’s leaving it to him and see if they can do similar

my son has a beautiful house with a small mortgage car bought outright and no debt

Oh - and your husband is a dick!

He has had it now and spent it. He is an adult - it was his to do with what he wanted. You need to accept it,

But you never, ever lend him any money or bail him out. He has to learn that his actions have consequences and he had frittered away his future.

Indeed

Imagine watching your son literally piss away £50k on travel and booze and fun for a year and a half after quitting a highly sought after position, then gifting them another £9k, watch them carry on in the same manner, and then plan to bail them out yet again. WTalmightyF is he thinking!?

I'd tell him to go live with his son and separate your assets if he's going to enable this wasterfulness.

But what would have happened to me if I hadn’t paid off my mortgage & lost my house who would have paid my rent? Yes probably would’ve of claimed benefits but probably wouldn’t get any due to assets. But you would have had to pay somthing for somewhere to live or is there a rent or mortgage fairy that I don’t know about? How do you think people live?

The fact all of your kids are like this says one thing! If you suspected this why just give him 50k like that? Seems like such a waste when he doesn’t even have a job or anywhere to live now! Your daughter is spoilt but again that sounds like your own fault.
I think you need to get a grip and sort this mess out.

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