Our son has spent £48k in a space of 18 months ?? This was a gift for him to save. Husband says it’s fine he’s young but I am so pissed off I’ve told him to move out in a month go find a place with his idle friends

Well it's a thread from several months ago that you've resurrected, so maybe you're deliberately seeking them out?

Is this the second Durham University elite story I’ve read today?

£50k landing in your lap at 21yo (?) was never going to teach financial responsibility....

As the title suggests, I’m really struggling with this.

In 2023, after our eldest son graduated from Oxford with an engineering degree and secured a very good job, we gifted him £50,000. He turns 25 this year. Part of that money came from his grandparents and it was always intended for him. We were incredibly proud of everything he had achieved.

Not long after starting work, he decided to quit his job as he couldn’t be bothered aha wanted to travel. He said he was young and wanted to experience life. We asked what his plan was and he told us he was going to Australia to travel and work. We accepted that.
It turns out he did not work at all. He travelled, drank, spent freely, not just in Australia but across Asia as well. When he came back, he told us he was doing online tutoring. We later discovered he had quit that too. Then he went to South America and carried on travelling. I had assumed he had at least been saving some of the money we gave him, but he has now spent the entire £50,000.

I am absolutely furious. I do not think I have ever been this angry or disappointed. It is not just the money. It is the lying, the lack of responsibility and what feels like a complete disregard for how privileged he is.
His cousins were given similar amounts and have used it wisely. One, who is younger than him, has already put down a deposit on a house. I know comparison is not always helpful, but it is hard not to notice the contrast we have failed as parents.

My husband says I need to calm down, that he is young and this is what young people sometimes do. He asks what we expected. Maybe there is some truth in that. But I still thought he would show some maturity, or at least some awareness of the opportunity he had been given.

There is further inheritance from his grandparents due to come to him in the future and right now I do not even want him to have it. He seems to have no real concept of money or how fortunate he is. He says he does not want a proper job and seems content drifting along. His uncle, who is an art dealer and runs auctions, has involved him a little in that world. But this is a bright, capable young man who once worked incredibly hard and now it feels like he is doing very little with his potential and will never really suffer consequences because there’s always someone there to help him.

Found out that he ran out of money when he was in South America and wanted to go travel around America too last summer so his father , my husband sent him 9k and told him to not spend it all he did and he was asking him to buy his flight tickets too to come back home. Some kids don’t even get to see that type of money!!!

I am just so deeply disappointed and unsure what to do next.

I have said he needs to move out find a place with his friends and leave us alone!! My husband thinks that’s selfish he’s still our son and has now been looking at flats for him, two of his friends are looking at flats/house shares around London too and yet again he is saved, he just always seems to get lucky. I’m sick of it.

My daughter too spoilt rotten. Is in her final year at Durham very smart studying law but ever so spoilt spoilt spoilt has no ambitions no goals just existing. Our other son another one that wants to just “chill” he’s doing his alevels this year he’s very bright , maths physics economics and predicted 2A*s and an A he will achieve that or even over achieve but no ambition at all.

It is our faint as parents I can’t even blame anyone else just wanted to vent

Done the hard work previously, yes, no doubt of that. Turned into a lazy, feckless oaf now or else you wouldn't be on here venting your fury.

He has travelled half way round the world, he may have been pissed for a lot of that time but he is not lazy or feckless, he also managed to get a good degree? so no, not lazy and feckless, that is the people lying on the couch all day while taxpayers fund their lifestyle.

It's his money, true, but I'd be furious and disappointed in equal amounts. He sounds like he's turned into a lazy, feckless oaf. I'd throw him out as well.

What a nasty comment.

And while I'm on grammar and expressions, people don't parent, they are parents.

I was not being "parented" in my early 20s! For goodness sake,

So, @YourOpenShaker you recognise you've brought up spoilt, entitled, lazy kids, you gave them everything, they've no work ethic and no sense, and now one of them has spaffed £50k and then some on enjoying himself. You recognise they're a product of their upbringing and you've sown the seeds and nurtured this behaviour.

You can't change the past, but what do you want to do now to change the situation?

This may be a good resource for you. As with everything, there may be parts that resonate and parts that don't, but there might be some useful points to help you think about how you want to parent these young adults moving forward so they start to be prepared for adult life and independence, and learn to be less spoilt and entitled, because the rest of the world won't put up with their behaviour.

parentslettinggo.com/about-us-and-get-to-know-dr-jack/parents-letting-go/

His grandparents wanted them to have. All grandkids got the same exact amount. I didn’t want it to happen but not my choice really.

I know I have failed as a parent

He behaved utterly irresponsibly with a gift of £50k - that doesn't bode well.

Crikey the way you’re going on you’d think he’d murdered someone. He could be dead next week, he’s had some amazing experiences and living his life. It may not be how you wanted him to spend the money but everyone has their own values and they won’t always be the same as yours. As mentioned above if it was for something specific you should have kept it until he needed it for that. Sounds like he’s probably burnt out with all these high expectations I feel sorry for him. Wouldn’t be surprised if it was the pure freedom of this oppressive sounding relationship he was fleeing. Poor sod graduated from Oxford and here you are almost disowning him for having some fun. Lighten up or you’ll run him into the ground

The son was given a gift. If you receive a large sum of money, you spend it on what you want. Wanting to go on holiday isn't restricted to 50 yos.

But your parents I assumed worked hard and actually a bonus is a reward for work. At 50 they deserve a bit of luxury.