Very confused by what dh said

Why is this better than being single?

I will never understand why women choose to be unhappy in a relationship over being single.

Agree with PP, there isnt a shop anywhere that doesn't have a red heart shaped something or other, flowers, chocolates, he could have picked up for you. It's the easiest date on the calendar to show your partner some affection. And, he just didn't.
That in itself is saying something to you. It's a statement. And his excuses are also telling you something. Listen to him.

Then do something about it. 💐

Selfishness is not a disability it is a choice.
I speak as someone with autism.
This man is a selfish twat.

You're making excuses. Of course a man is capable of caring, being thoughtful. The certainly do it at the beginning of relationships don't they, esp when trying to get their end away!? I don't think there is anything in the male DNA that dictates that it ends after a short time period.

Well, you're being strange. Because you automatically think that informing the wife about career decisions and talking them through means that the wife is going to stop the husband doing anything, or the wives are in control?

You presumed the worst and you obviously think wives attitudes towards other men is bad.. Why? Is your marriage like this? Because whenever my OH has made career decisions, it's done together, same as mine, because that's normal. It also gave me the chance to cheer him on, prepare for interviews etc, supportive.

The OP should be included in life decisions which affect her and their child.

Respectfully, yes, I disagree with you. It’s not normal for anyone in a loving relationship to behave like this. I’ve cohabited with a number of men throughout my life and none was like this. My 95 year old neighbour treats his wife like a queen. Because he’s kind and loves her. So does my friend’s 25 yr old son with his new wife.

A certain type of man is like this and some women have scraped the bottom of the barrel and not thrown them back in. They put up with it and even excuse it. Like a boiled frog, they think emotional and sexual abuse from men is ‘normal’.

If this man consistently treated important clients at work in such an inconsiderate way, he’d be expected to develop his ‘skill set’ or be fired.

Imagine if you werent together and he started seeing someone new.

Do you think he would be thoughtful with her? That's your answer

Yup. I like this way of thinking.

He could change

But he won't, unless he wants to

This.

My ex husband was like this. I think some people are just inherently selfish. Signs were there early on and he never changed. Best thing I ever did was to eventually accept it wasn’t enough for me and I divorced him. Had a few nice years on my own and now with a new partner who is the opposite of selfish. The most thoughtful, kind and generous man. I would never be with someone selfish again it can really knock your confidence and self worth.
Get rid of him.

He is sexually and emotionally abusing you.
If he is claiming he’s not thoughtful or this is just the way he is, he is tying it to his identity and won’t change.
As for love languages? I’d be surprised if op comes back and says “oh he does so many nice things for me though”. He didn’t say “I thought I’d do this nice thing for you”. He lied. Pretended he’d ordered flowers then put the blame elsewhere. This is not a good person.

You could tell him “ok, if it doesn’t come naturally to you so make it a task that on Valentines, Mother's Day and on my birthday, you need to buy me a gift, just like I’ll buy you a gift. This is a relationship task, just like you have work tasks.”
If he cares about what’s important to you, he’ll take time to listen and act.
But sorry op, you do need to consider and question what is going on in this relationship because it’s abusive.

I’m surprised half the women on mumsnet are even married the way they treat their husbands 🤣🤣 and their attitudes towards other men!!!

So your husband does things sexually without your consent ie rape, he lies and is selfish with no attempt to change. YANU to stay with him. Know your worth and get out

"Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me?"

I think people like this don't actually love you they love what you do for them. Love having you around because of how good you make their life. They are users. When you can no longer make their life better, they will leave you and find someone else.

There is nothing in what you've said of him that indicates he actually loves you.

You’re expecting your husband to be a woman. He is a man and this is totally normal. So many people will disagree with me I’m sure but men and women are not the same, nor should we be. We think and show love differently. Does he do acts of service for you and your kids?

Time to stop protecting him. Tell all your family, his family (especially his mother) and all your friends. Make sure HE’S embarrassed and humiliated. Make sure you tell them that HE’S made the choice and he won’t give her up. Your DH isn’t going to cope with the identity crisis this causes. He is attached to the good guy identity that includes being a faithful husband and a family man.

If if doesn't come natural to him then he needs to make an effort! He knows these gestures mean a lot of you and it is just what you do for your wife to show some appreciation. He's a competent man who is able to work, so he's able to put a reminder in his phone if he needs to!!

That's truly awful, am sorry what your dad did to your family. I hope your mum made a full recovery and you guys all doing ok now.

I got nothing. I expected nothing.

My partner made me cry by teasing me about my body - laughing as he mimicked the way I walked.

There were other digs he made throughout the day about my weight and letting myself go.

He is such a horrible piece of work.

My dad was like this. Thoughtless, selfish, entitled. He left my mother 6 months after she had a heart attack that nearly killed her. He was annoyed that his wife appliance wasn't functioning. He saw her only once at hospital, and only because my sister forced him. He was irritated, pacing moodily, said 5 words to Mum. My Mum had a million tubes coming out of her and on her face as she watched him pace was an expression of fear that I will never forget.

Men.like this will use you up until there is nothing left. Then they'll hop to the next woman without a single qualm.

Op, he'll never be there for you when you need it. This is NOT a man to invest yourself in.

Quite. Why would you expect men to change?

I am someone who struggles to
show emotion and affection.

I really struggle with romance and buying thoughtful gifts etc doesn’t come naturally to me.

But I still manage to make a bloody effort and I manage to get people things that they like, even though it’s not something that comes very naturally.

If this was a general issue of you feeling undervalued then it would perhaps be different but for things like Valentine’s, birthdays, Christmas etc there is absolutely no excuse because they’re the same date every year and he is more than capable of buying you something or asking if you want to go for a meal/to the cinema.

I personally don’t celebrate valentines but he knows this is important to you and it literally takes a matter of minutes to go into Tesco and buy a box of chocolates.

I would make the same effort he does from now on.

@Loopthepammy apologies.
Didn’t read your updates before posting.

I’m with others, LTB and fast.
The points that were the biggest red flags for me:

1. He changed as soon as you were pregnant.
2. Sex stuff without your consent - because you know what that is called, don’t you?

With that, in your next relationship please don’t put as much weight on Valentine’s Day as you currently are.
DH and I have our own day and it is brilliant, a happy secret between us.

The only child tropes are utter bullshit and really offensive. I’m an only child and I’ve managed never to sexually assault anyone because I’m not a selfish, abusive cunt.

Jesus.