To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

Do you struggle to cope with your children alone when he goes to work, or is it just when he has social stuff that you need someone to hold your hand?

The dishes could wait until he got back. If anything you should be feeling sad for your DH that he doesn’t have the same family support that you do, and realise that’s why it’s important for him to keep in touch with his friends. Be thankful that you have the family support you need.

This is so unfair. Picture yourself out with the girlfriends and saying casually ‘oh yes we split up because his family never looked after our dc for us.’ Your girlfriends 😮😮😮😮 you mean… you divorced your husband because his mum wasn’t caring enough to you and didn’t babysit?! You didnt marry his mum…. Woooowww.

and they’d all think he had a lucky escape really.

If he's low contact with his family why would you want help from them. You sound lucky to have family support.

Sorry but it’s crazy that you can’t handle both your kids for one bedtime without help.

What do you think people with no support do?

YABU to feel cross with DH because his family don't help out - that's not his fault, and you're very lucky with the overall amount of support you get.

But YANBU to feel tired and in need of a break and to think about ways to make that happen. Can you leave DH with the DC this Saturday and meet a friend for coffee / go for a swim / whatever you feel like?

Yabu. Why would LC family babysit etc? There is often a reason why people are LC and could that mean that they are unsuitable babysitters etc who would create more problems than it’s worth?

If you can’t cope right now then ask your h to stay at home rather than struggle l. It’s great that your family is supportive but maybe you should accept that it’s unusual and not resent your h’s side for not being the same.

Most people cope without extended family support but you’re in the great spot of having willing help and should enjoy it and pay it back when things are easier.

Instead of feeling unlucky to not have 2.. maybe feel lucky to have 1.

Many parents have no family support at all.

If you genuinely can’t manage a toddler and a baby for an evening without help the simple answer is your DH doesn’t go out until you can.
However, I agree with eveyone this says other people manage, I’m a single parent of 3, one being 10 weeks
old, my family live 120 miles away. I don’t just manage, I enjoy my life and don’t really feel the need for anyone to help me.

Yeah this is unreasonable. You have a huge amount of support that many people don't have. I'm sure your family would be happy to help if you feel you need a break too, but most people just have to muddle through and manage their own kids which you are fortunate enough to have lots of help with. If he doesn't have that close family bond, it's good that he can have time with his friends now and then.

But you both chose to have 2 young children you must have realsied what they were like?

You both can take turns to go out if you need to do that

I had that age gap and managed bedtime without help- so did my husband. I flew alone with the 2 year old and a 7 week old to Australia from uk. You can be alone with them, it’s just hard. Surely you can go out and he can watch the kids alone and he can go out and you can watch th kids alone. It’s nothing really to do with family support.

I remember feeling resentful in the same situation too, being stuck at home with a toddler and a baby while DH got to go to work and out to socialise - although we had no family support.

You need to sit down with your DH and explain how you’re feeling and look at what you can do differently to meet both your needs.

What is all this "support" everyone seems to expect? When my friends had young children, nearly all of them lived hundreds of miles from relatives, so they had to look after their own kids - usually whilst also holding down a serious job. And they paid for proper childcare.

I agree. 2026 is not the 1900's.

I don't understand why your family are happy to help you so your husband can go out, but wouldn't help him so you could go out? If you've got parent, a brother and a sister to ask, surely one of them wants you to have a break as well as your husband?

I think the way a lot of these responses are worded are very harsh. OP it sounds like you are exhausted and sometimes it can feel like there is no end in sight. Particularly when you get to the stage where you think it will improve and it doesn’t. it does cloud your view of things.

You can’t blame your DH or his family for not helping. Plus it doesn’t sound like they would be much help anyway. But I do think that it would be a good idea to tell your DH that you are overwhelmed. It isn’t his fault, or anyone’s fault but it is a fact. Can he take a couple of days annual leave? Can you look into paid child minding so you aren’t relying on your family so much. Also check in with your family on how comfortable they feel about the level of support they are providing. Sometimes we can feel like a burden to others but they don’t mind or are happy to help. If it is too much for them it can help to guide you in your future planning. Is some of the issue that you need to be the one to arrange help and your DH is passing that mental load to you and that is hard to navigate?

This stage of parenting can make you feel very vulnerable. Do you have an outlet to talk about these feelings.

I just don’t understand this reliance on family. It’s lovely you are close and can hang out and receive help but many people take turns going out with zero additional help and then get a sitter for when they want to go out together.

I think you need to reframe this all, because you get more help than the vast vast majority of parents. Yes, it’s hard, but if you’ve never had them for more than a few hours on your own, you must realise that isn’t an option for most families? And certainly not for single parents.
it is funny though, because I remember when I had my first born, it felt quite busy, and then when number 2 comes along, you have absolutely no time for the new born at all, as toddler takes all of it, so you just strap them to you and get on with toddler care!

i think you both need to carve out time for yourselves, with the other parent learning to care for 2.

his parents don’t ‘owe’ you anything, especially if he doesn’t bother with them either, it’s just that you’ve got so lucky with an enormous amount of help from your side.

Have you asked then to help? Have they been welcomed to come round or kept at arms lengths?

You get that family childcare isn’t some universal human right, right? We had DS in another country to all of both our families, so every minute of childcare that didn’t involve one of us was paid for. For years we socialised separately.

Wow.

He’s low contact with his family - why would they put themselves out to help then? Low contact has consequences. Plenty of people survive with far less help than you so in the kindest possible way perhaps try to see it more positively. Also if you can afford a dishwasher now is the time to get one - agree dishes are tricky with babies in carriers.

I have been a parent for nearly 21 years and we’ve probably had 5-10 nights out together from our DC in that time.

DH has definitely had more social nights out and hobby trips away but that’s life.

Ive never expected help or support. Even when I had DC4 and DC3 had literally just turned 1 I still had to do school runs and stuff.

We have elderly DM’s and our siblings have their own lives and DC.

How can you blame your DH for his lack of family support?

You need to get on with it.

Come on OP; you can do housework (including the dishes!) while “baby wearing”. I managed to decorate our entire living room with my baby in a carrier.