To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

Your husband can’t help who his relatives are and why they’re not close. I’m sure he looks at you and your family and how close you are and he wishes he had that for himself.

You had two very children very close in age, things are going to be tough for a while.

Get your DH to do bedtime for the eldest and then tell him to go enjoy his evening out. It’s one night of many, you’ll survive.

Yes I was wondering this.

It sounds like you do get a lot of support from your family, so why is this being used for DH to go out each time? Surely if you need two adults to do bedtime or whatever then you alternate who gets the free time when your family are available.

You’ve had multiple people round to help you when he’s gone out but you’re cross that more people are not helping? Please just realise how lucky you are- we had no one to support with our children.

I’m not really sure why you need so much help for an evening with two kids. Surely you just done wash up and you can put a baby down to change a toddler’s nappy.

Exactly as @PurpleThistle7 has said. I lived over 100 miles away from my mum when my children were small. No family help at all. I have a lovely friend who is from overseas. She's never had any family help.

You have 2 children. You need to be able to look after them on your own. I can't believe you never do this. It does smack very much as over entitled.

YABVU to blame DH from the lack of help from his parents, especially given that he has made an active decision to be low contact with them. Surely he must have a good reason. You need to support him there, not blame him for the lack of visits from his parents. He also sounds like a decent man overall.

Not everyone has support from their parents, never mind their siblings. That's fairly unusual. I think you should appreciate how lucky you are and try to muddle through as a couple. A baby and a toddler is always challenging but this phase doesn't last forever.

Im sorry you’re struggling but I think you aren’t thinking clearly. Are you really saying that your entire family does shift work with you so that you’re never alone with your own children? I feel like that’s the part that needs to be sorted out.

Babyproof one area of the house so it’s safe for the toddler and let them play and explore while you get on with baby care and whatever else needs to happen. If your husband is out for the evening, leave him the dishes to deal with when he gets back if that’s a major sticking point. Get a bouncy chair so your wee one can be more upright (worked really well for my reflux baby). It’s actually bewildering to me that you’d make your entire family co parent with you for months now.

Your husband sounds lovely and it’s certainly shouldn’t be surprising that his relatives aren’t showing up all the time. Wouldn’t that be terribly awkward anyway? He probably has his reasons and you need to respect that.

Am aware anecdotes don’t help but my husband and I are immigrants so have never had any sort of help. He worked away regularly when our kids were younger and I was on my own with them a lot. Some days were not ideal but everyone was always fed and loved. You need to figure out how to manage this before you fall out with your own family - that would be such a shame as they sound amazing.

You have 3 family members on your side who give support. That is more than a lot of families have.

You've always known he has no close relationship with his own family. A bit pointless to start focusing on this since you've had children.

I do get it's hard to manage two small children. But we're talking an evening out. You said DH gets DS1 ready for bed etc. So if he goes out after bedtime, it'll just be you and DS2. Leave the dishes or whatever housework for that evening. It's an occasional evening.

Leaving less than a 2 year gap between children was always going to be hard.

It seems you are viewing this as some kind of competition- they are my family, so should only help me when needed. Your husband is part of your family, you are one unit. It's wonderful that you have support, so why does it matter when and how it is used? Has anyone stopped you from going out? Resentful is a strong word for something your husband has no control over. Do you want his family, who he and presumbly you, have no relations with, to babysit? Not that they are offering. Or are you expecting him to find his own help if he wants to go out? I'm not sure what exactly you are angry about but it seems you are creating unnecessary friction in your relationship.

We are in basically the same situation, 22month old and 3 month old and zero contact with PIL since before our youngest was born, they’ve never met him, not a miss as they are truly horrible people but it does mean we don’t have any support from that side of the “family”.

I’m not sure I understand why you need multiple adults to help you look after your children for one evening though? Fair enough some things can be tricky with two little ones but things like the dishes can wait until the morning if they really have to. It’s really important I think that you both get to take some time for yourselves. Spend the afternoon at park/softplay, let toddler run off as much energy as possible, have dinner ready to just heat up and leave the dishes til the morning!

How much more support do you need?! I am always shocked by these threads. Why would grandparents have an obligation to help raise your child?!

It sounds like you have a huge block of resentment and you are just looking for someone to dump it on. Your in laws have got the short straw. You must know that you are being unreasonable - that you can't really expect low-contact relatives (including siblings for goodness sake!) to be around to offer extra support. It's a nice-to-have, not an entitlement.

I suspect the person that you are really resentful of is your husband. Complaining about his relatives is a way of complaining about him. Perhaps he is not pulling his weight enough, despite the good stuff that he does do? Or, alternatively, perhaps you have a sense of having to be in control of everything, with the result that you are not giving yourself enough rest/escape, not letting go enough to make space for your husband to take over sometimes and do things his way?

My first had reflux. It’s so hard. Between the crying and mounting jobs that need doing it really is stressful. Why are you resenting a man who pulls his weight, declines invites out and has only accepted going out when you’ve seemed happy to let him. You’re being grossly unfair. You’re getting more help than most. Even the grandparents I know who are hands on and will take them overnight and for days out will not be willing to come and babysit whilst one parent is out and the other is at home. If you had wrote complaining neither side was willing to help you out for this I think you’d be shocked at the response. Many people would be saying you have to suck it up. Parenting is hard. You’ve had 2 children close in age. You’re going to run off your feet with or without a reflux baby. Your family sound amazing. They really do and I do think you’re in a minority with the amount of help families are prepared to give. When my kids where at school the majority of the kids with working parents stayed in afterschool club than those being picked up by their grandparents. I’d just be grateful you have what you have. Even if hubbies family where closer that doesn’t mean they’d be willing or should be expected to do what your parents do.

I think maybe you’re in rhe depths of it right now, over tired, hormones etc and not thinking straight,

I read these threads open mouthed. How many people does it take to look after two children. I had mine before paternity leave was a thing. My first my DH picked me up from hospital at midday and went back to work at 2pm. I had no family ‘support’ and just got on with it, the same when our second was born. Yes, some days were tough but I just got on with it.

This scenario is so weird that I wonder if OP is a troll.

Husband is low contact for a reason. Maybe the in-laws are unkind people. You want unkind people looking after your children?

You seem very dependent on family. Maybe the best thing for you would actually be to crack on, on your own that way you won't have anxiety about it without family help.

Why don't the two of you pay for a babysitter and go out together.

Maybe I’m missing the point but can’t your DH look after the children for an evening so you can go out?

Yep - most of us just go on with it, without all this extended relatives support.

A toddler and a baby can be hard work, but a couple should be able to manage this - and find some down time with friends.

YABU

You can't manage one bed time alone?

This is a ridiculous situation really. You're getting heaps of support.

This. and it’s hard with DS2 being a reflux baby to manage both on my own for more than an hour or 2, or at bedtime. So I’ve had my DP/DB/DS come over to give me a hand so DH can go out.
are you really saying you’ve not had your dc on your own for more than an hour? That’s not just “helping out” that’s. Co parenting, if your family are over all day practically. Have you spoken to your health visitor about things?

Feels like you’re looking for problems that don’t exist. You knew the situation when you married him and had kids. If extended family involvement was such a big deal for you, then you shouldn’t have had kids.

YABVU for something that is not in his control and even more so for saying you “let” him go out.

I feel really sorry for your DH, he sounds like a good guy and you're punishing him for a family rift. Plenty of people have complicated families and manage to raise children, some of us don't have any family support and manage to raise children, people have babies with the promise of family support and then that changes, we just get on with it. You've only got two kids, it's not that hard.

I'd be grateful for the help you've got now and let your DH go out for a few hours before he starts resenting you.

Honestly, you’re sounding very dramatic. Of course you can do all those things without another adult around to help you - what do you think single parents do?!

It's very unfair that you're resentful at something that is completely out your partners control. I also don't get that your family only come and help you if you your struggling but wouldn't help your partner. Can't they come help your partner at bedtime so you can go out?

As someone said you seem to have more family suppoet than others. Most people have to do bedtimes together rather than get family to help out.

But equally with two young children, you'll have to at some point learn to do them together. As said, you chose to have two young kids close together. There needs to be some element of responsibility and learning how to cope with them both together.

You have so much support already, you’re very lucky. All our family live far away so we have no support, and 2 young DCs, one of which is on the pathway for ASD and ADHD. We get on with it, we are both capable parents and can manage a night and even long weekends by ourselves with the kids whilst one of us is out.

This is two separate issues. Dh going out. His family not being able to help so much.

First I wouldn't rely on any family help. You can't assume that anyone but you will want to look after your dc. They are not obliged to.

Second, work out something where you both get time out.

Also with a clingy reflux baby (assume you've ruled out allergies?) then it is more fraught but you should be able to change the older ones nappy in under a minute which isn't that problematic. Just pop baby on a mat and if they scream they scream. It's 60 seconds.