To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

a shower is basic self care and not equivalent to the dad going out with his friends.

the misogyny in this thread is through the roof.

YANBU for wanting to be able to go out and take a break. Talk to your DH about how you can structure your lives so that both of you can have some "me" time.

YABVU to blame this situation on the lack of support from his family, or taking for granted the support from your own.

We had 3DC in less than 2 years and we had absolutely no support whatsoever from either side of the family. We still managed to make sure we both had some time away from being full time carers to our kids.

Try Being a single mum to 3- including a 3 month old baby who won’t be put down and a middle child who can’t get to sleep by themselves at bedtime. Other people have it far worse than you and manage as their life choices led them to their situation. You have a partner- they are your children not the in laws children or your parents children. Enjoy the support you have and you’d be surprised how much you’re capable of when you literally have no other option.

Find a reliable person to help for the occasional evening-and pay them?

And he can watch them too so you can have breaks, you deserve them too

We have no support from either side and a 3 year gap eldest with sen and I manage many days alone with both of them as husband works away, let him see his friends and be grateful for the support you do have it is a lot more than mos. You need to make sure you are giving yourself time and breaks too even if it’s just having a long shower or some time alone in the house whilst he is with baby. Edited as posted too soon

This. You need down time as well, not just him

ive felt similarly to you OP and am prob one of the few who voted you are not unreasonable
to feel like this. my pil are not the helpful type, actually i find their visits quite draining. i mean we had a situation when toddler was mid tantrum peeing on highchair and baby had to be held as she was screaming murder and they literally sat on their chairs looking at the chaos unfolding saying ‘it will get better in 17 years”. i learnt never to expect help from
them. seems like the norm these days is however for gps to act like this. you are so lucky to have help from your family, enjoy that and the bond that will surely develop between your kids and them. forget about the in laws - but most importantly dont let this create any resentment between you and your husband

That's a you issue, and says more about you than anyone else. I can assure you I do help my family where I can, and will expect to help my parents increasingly as they age.

Early months can be tough but yes, YABU.

You have 3 family (it is irrelevant whose family) members to help out DP/DB/DS, and if they are not available and you can’t cope alone your dh will just need to step up and miss nights out for a bit. It’s just what happens with kids.

You are in a better position than most if dh is pitching in and you do have some other support too. Where is the “resentment” coming from? Is dh not really pitching in as much as you say making you feel overwhelmed and you are diverting the resentment from him as easier to blame the lack of support from his family. It is odd your priority seems to be giving your dh nights out when you are the one struggling here.

Having re read the OP am I right that it isn’t only bedtime you expect help, you’ve not had the kids on your own AT ALL for more than a couple of hours?

We’ve had no support on either side for the last 20 years. I’d be ecstatic if we’d had anyone decent to help occasionally or take an interest in our kids. Whose side it was wouldn’t matter. Your husband is strong to have gone LC if that’s what he needed to do. I’d respect him for that rather than resent.

I think when you have children you need to be prepared to do it on your own, no matter how difficult and thank your lucky stars if family offers to help.
There's no reason why you can't go out for the evening same as your husband. Doing one bedtime alone isn't impossible.

C,mon OP. Get real!

Just because his family expect their adult kids to be grown up enough to manage life on their own, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them.

If anything, I’d be more concerned about the co-dependency relationship you appear to have with your own family.

Firstly, I really don’t understand why you can’t manage your own two children on your own for an evening without needing extra people turning up to look after all of you?

Secondly, why can’t your DH look after his two kids for the evening whilst you go out?

You’ve got willing babysitters nearby so presumably, they’ll come over to babysit when your kids are in bed, if you want a couple of hours out in the evening together? That’s a massive privilege.

In my case, both sets of older grandparents were dead before we had DC and we live abroad from my siblings so we only went out once for a night out to a friends place when another friend offered to babysit DC (oldest was 12 at the time). That was our one and only night out using a babysitter. However, my older sister had kids when my mum was still alive but mum never had to babysit them. For one thing, sister lived about 30 miles away.

YOU and Your husband decided to have children.

the only person that has any responsibility and moral obligation to care for them is you and your husband.

yes it is bloody hard work at times.

but no family member is obligated to help you.

your family are happy to help out at times - say thank you - enjoy the support .

but don’t waste your life being angry that your husbands family aren’t involved.

it’s your life, your marriage, your babiesand ultimately your responsibilities.

Work out how you both get to have a rest at times whether that be a paid babysitter or family or friends that will help you

also I think part of parenting is accepting that life has changed and very often you can no longer do everything you want to do - unless you have endless money for babysitters or a nanny there will be times that you have to politely decline invitations. You’re not a couple any more - but a family and the kids needs are always going to control how many things you can do socially.

not saying you should become a martyr to parenting and of course you need time off - but they are both of your kids and you both have to care for them and in the early days it is pretty much 24/7 with little respite.

enjoy the help you have and stop being bitter about things outside your control - it will just ruin your life and make you miserable.

Also no matter how hard it is - it is not compulsory to hold them 24/7 - one of mine was like that - would have had me hold him the whole day - but things have to be done - sometimes you have to put them in their bouncy chair or floor mat or cot or anywhere safe next to you where they can see you - you chat to them and get on with a job. They will cry but you can chat or sing to them and stay ‘connected’ that way whilst you quickly do what you need to without them in your arms the whole time.

Sorry, I don't understand. Why can't your lot come and help your DH while you go out, if he can't manage both (as you don't, I don't think it's fair to say he should do it alone). Will they not spend time with him without you there?

Also being LC with toxic family saves you an awful lot of terrible visits and stress so there is always a silver lining

Yes when people have children that is when the talk of support and the village comes into thoughts as in when people want help rarely when they help themselves

Sorry but this is what having young kids is all about. You're very lucky to have support from your family. I had very little from either side but got through it and didn't expect it

I think you've had a hard time on this thread from the 'race to the bottom' types. 'I had to cope alone so you should too', sort of thing. In most human societies throughout the world and throughout history, children have been raised in extended family groups. It is totally normal to have family support, I have a similar set up to you by the sounds of it. Sorry for those of you who live far apart from your families or who have shit unsupportive families.

My in laws are also a bit shit, with the added complication that one of them is married to a paedophile who is welcomed to all family occasions including with children as though nothing is wrong. So, no support from DH's side.

I feel more sorry for my husband than anything else, having such a shit family.

I think the issue here for you is, your family are helping out, facilitating giving DH a break, but you aren't really getting equivalent breaks? Hence the resentment. I don't think DH should particularly be getting nights out etc if you can't also have similar.

If your baby's reflux is that bad then go to the GP and get medication for them. It'll transform them.
If your baby's reflux isn't clinical then suck it up. Parenting is hard. It's a season, days are long years are short etc etc.
Just be grateful you have family who help. Some people have no one.

This is so much better than what I tried to say. You and your husband and children are one unit but it seems to be that your family can only help you. Why can't they come help with your partner at bed times if they are so awful and you need to get out.

Family help is great but equally you should be able to manage bed times solo from time to time and manage both children for more than hour without always needing someone there. I'm very lucky in I have great family support too but even I would have had something said if I couldn't manage a bathtime or few hours solo and both mine were reflux babies.

As I said above, you've chose to have two young children close together. It seems unfair that your family are being roped in several times a week to facilitate this.

I don't think his family are the problem here are they? You are tired and overwhelmed.

I only realise in retrospect that I had a reflux baby (oh the guilt of not knowing) and I had almost no sleep. I was practically hallucinating and I didn't have a toddler to look after too. I remember my brother saying to SIL (who had a baby too) that he would watch the baby and she could go into town to have some "me time" .. I went home and cried, because no one had shown me the same consideration (DH is the kindest person and very hands on but it was all about the baby and I felt "unseen").

Forget about his side. Could you organise sometime for you? Doesn't even need to be a night out, perhaps an afternoon meeting a friend? DH or your family having the kids?

Also for us investing in a dishwasher was a game changer.

Your children, your problem. No one has to give you any support. You chose to have two children close together.

A very good point. You’re fortunate to have a wonderful and close family. He is not so lucky.

but regardless, I think you’re maybe exhausted. It’s hard work with such a tiny. Why not Ask your family to mind the children for an hour while you go for a walk with DH and chat about how things are. How you’d like him to feel able to go out with his mates occasionally. And you’d like to plan a short outing for yourself too.

you’re a team with good support. Make the most of that.

Yabu, learn to be alone with your children. Many parents go through worse things with disabled children and have to do it all alone! Bizarre thay you expect everyone owes you help. You wanted kids, they are your responsibility i dont blame his family not wanting to do shift work because your incapable of being alone with your dcZ