To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

My mum is dead. My dad no longer lives in the UK so while I know he loves me he doesn't offer any kind of emotional support.
My brother is prison and my sister is 22 years younger than me so we don't have a close sibling relationship.

My friends are my family and that's where I get my emotional support alongside my DH. Why?

When you say your family offer “zero support” @HighLadyofTheNightCourt do you mean just regarding childcare and practical support like helping out with lifts?? But they do provide love and emotional support?

So you had lots of support yourself!
I don't think today's parents are any different to any other generation. On the contrary, people generally had far more support in the past as families tended to all stay in the same area and perhaps even lived together. Now people often move away to study and/or work and parents have families much later so grandparents are much older. Family life also tends to be more challenging as a lot more families have two working parents.

This. Why do parents seem to expect "support" these days. We used to see our parents regularly, which meant once a week. My husband's mum babysat about once a month for which we were extremely grateful. We didn't go out separately either.

I think you are doing yourself dirty by not considering yourself a super mum, that sounds like an incredibly hard situation and you are right you had no choice to crack on with no support system.

However, it really isn't a race to the bottom. There will be someone else who's situation was worse than yours - if I was now to tell you that you were actually really lucky because I had triplets who didn't sleep for four years and no family support and was made homeless when my abusive husband left me, would that have helped you during those long nights with your eldest awake and your youngest screaming in pain? Probably not, so what's the point of me even saying it.

And you are probably right, OP might not realise how lucky she is to have the support she does have, but there are much nicer and more empathetic ways to express that to a mum of 2 young children who is clearly struggling, rather than putting the boot in and telling her to get a grip (you didn't do that, but some posters did).

My eldest never slept (now diagnosed autistic) and my youngest had awful reflux and took us six months for the gp to prescribe omeprazole which finally helped. Im not a super mum I just have no external help so had to just get on with it. I don’t think people who have help understand what it’s like to have no support system

Does your family also come round and help while your husband is out at work during the day too, or is it just evenings that you find difficult?

We had no family close enough to provide help on a regular basis, but I don’t think it would have occurred to any of them that I wouldn’t be able to manage a baby and a two year old by myself. Apart from anything else, my parents had four children aged 0-6 and managed perfectly well with no family support.

Sorry you're struggling, OP. But has it occurred to you that your DP has more right to resent his parents and siblings than you do? Being low or no contact is not a nice situation to be in. It's simply the better of two difficult options.
You on the other hand have a kind and loving family who support you both. (And you have a hands-on DH to boot.) Make the most of it and be grateful for what you have.

I don't think the people commenting are 'super mums' they are just normal mums who have no other choice but to crack on, in the same way if OP didn't have any family help she would be solo parenting 2 children to give the husband a break and vice versa as there is no other choice (well other than never going out at all in any capacity which would be the alternative choice).

I suppose you can ask a babysitter to help you put children to bed while the partner goes out but I have personally never heard of anyone arranging/paying for this service although I imagine it is a possibility too.

I think perhaps, you ought to focus on just how damned fortunate you are to have the love and support of your side of the extended family, and maybe just think about how hard the contrast must be for your DH, and learn to deal with your kids without relying quite so much on others providing a buffer for you. I know it can be intimidating, particularly if you're not used to it, but it can be done.

You're resentful and want to restrict your husband from having an occasional time out with friends because his family doesn't help you?

You can't control his family nor can he. They don't have to step up like your family has.

Adjust your expectations.

My family offer zero support with childcare or anything else while DH’s family do absolutely loads for us.
It’s not my fault my family are rubbish and my mum died before I had children.

We just work with what we’ve got and accept that my family aren’t going to change.

OP you're getting a rough ride here. I think you are exhausted, and overwhelmed. Those who haven't had a reflux baby don't get it.

You need a chat with DH about how to fairly split social time. You need a chat with HV or GP about helping baby's reflux. And a reminder that this too shall pass - 3 months is still tiny and if you don't feel ok coping with both on your own just yet, that's also fine. Ignore all the super mums on this thread who juggled 6 children, 4 pets and 2 full time jobs without a helping hand from anybody.

I had both of mine on my own just one day a week from when my second was born and it took at least 6 months for that day to feel slightly enjoyable again and not a fight for survival til DH finished work. You'll get there.

I do get where you’re coming from, OP. I’m the grandma in this situation- similar age of babies too and family dynamics of our daughter’s family are similar; though it’s about distance rather than family closeness that causes SIL’s family to be less available as support. It is what it is in many ways. When my kids were little, we didn’t have any family support really, other than what we paid for 🤷🏼‍♀️
im really glad they’re close to us and we get to build a close bond with our grandchildren, but there are times when I wish SIL’s family were more available to support. I guess be grateful for the great support you have and try not be resentful of the rest because ultimately it will negatively impact your relationship. And don’t forget to do stuff for you too, it’s important x

I assume you knew before you had two children, what your husbands family would be like?
I’m not really seeing the issue, when your husband goes out, you get help from your family. Wouldn’t you prefer that, to getting begrudging help from his family who are disinterested? Be glad for the help you do get. Do you ever go out?

I think it’s very unusual (though my children are now late teens/twenties and expectations change) to not be able to look after a 2 year old and a baby at the same time. If the washing up is really beyond you (why?)buy a dishwasher. You have created a nonsense that you can’t manage. You can. Ask someone to show you how to manage alone if it’s really difficult to work out but I honestly think this is just a mindset problem. Both you and your husband should be able to manage the children solo. Practice.

😆
Oh dear.

I actually think it would be very healthy for both of you to have separate nights out/days out while the other looks after the other child solo.

You can't live a life where you can't ever manage two children solo. What if one of you needs to work away? What if a family member fell ill and you had to help with their care?

We decided to have one child as we knew that realistically, two children would stretch us thin as we don't really have any help from either side of the family. Was your second child unplanned for you to be in such a tizz about all this? Maybe there is a background story here we have not been told about.

Also surely you would have known about this situation first time round so there shouldn't be any shockers really that with 2 children his family still don't assist. Plus would you really cast your children off to strangers? You'd be better off paying a babysitter, at least they're professionals with DBS checks etc

I sympathise, because it's a bloody hard situation.

But you knew about his lack of familial support when you married him. He can't control not having close relationships with family, whereas you could control whether that was important to you in a partner or not.

How can you expect support from a family he has low contact with.

we baby on your back for front facing tasks

That’s not what OP said. Read it again and don’t be so picky.

Why did you have two so close together? That was your choice. Your dh's family have their own lives and are entitled to live them without reference to you. Did you ask if they would help before you got pregnant each time?

I have four sisters and had an international job for years. Was I supposed to spend my two days in the UK each week, looking after someone else's baby? I think not !

I think both of you need to get into the mindset that you each can look after your two children without “support”. Nearly everyone does, including those with the same very small gap.

However, if your DH really can’t look after his two children by himself, why are your family only able to be in the house with you, and not with him? Makes no sense!

It's not a race to the bottom.

You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel, you can't help that.

Could the issue be that you don't get any alone time?

I would start making time for myself, let DH deal with reflux baby. If baby is breast fed, leave some milk for DH to feed baby.

The real issue might be that you are the default person for holding the baby all the time, and DH needs to start taking half of the load.