Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

@Allisnotlost1 And if you’re happy with that then great, but clearly not everyone is, so why is it that you what you care about is the only thing anyone cares about?

Not quite sure if I understand the question, but my issue is high earners spending money on silly things and then complaining about not having money. Middle earners absolutely have a right to push back on that and tell them to shut up.

It's actually quite a relief to learn he doesn't live with you, @SG1301 - I hadn't realised that, and it could well explain why he's been very cagey so far

Should you be unwise enough to move him in I can almost guarantee more would come tumbling out, though with the constant refrain that it's being sorted out and could you just lend him £xxx until it is

Don't stay with him because you think there is no one else.
You're still young & could easily find someone else.
You know this man is not a good bet to have kids with, buy a house with etc which are all things you deserve & can have if you want them
Don't sell yourself short by getting deeper involved & then splitting a few years down the line when you could call it quits now & find someone more mature & responsible.

Yes, you could move him into your place. And then you'd have someone with a really poor credit record registered at your address, and the possibility that at some point in the future you'll have the bailiffs knocking at your door.

I think he drinks more than you think he does. And every time he goes to buy more drink he buys other things to surround the drink he is buying.

Interesting how many people regard having 9k of debt as no big deal.i mean credit card debt / borrowing from friends etc, not a mortgage

How much has he borrowed from his 2 friends too? THAT is a major red flag for me!!!

So he would get all the benefits while you would get continuous stress.

I would not take that risk personally.

You couldnt keep finances separate if you ever planned to live together because you would jointly own a house and become financially attached. So his bad credit would affect yours.

You would also need to take on the full burden of money management and making sure theres no defaulting on the mortgage and risk losing your home. While you are making sacrifices and scrimping and saving down at Aldi, he's living it up with countless coffees and lifestyle products, new clothes, going out, god knows what.

Unless he is really is able to understand how to budget and to restrain himself (and that isnt much fun, he has to be realistic) then it would be difficult

The other thing that you need to bear in mind is that some people like living in the moment, the idea of saving for a holiday or the long term is not interesting to them, its not what fulfills them. Thats fine, no criticism, but if its vastly different to you then it causes an issue.

How do you imagine things going if you were to move in together? Would he pay his 50% without getting into debt, or start another cycle?

Living with a late middle aged man who is 'bad with money' is definitely not on your wish list OP and you know this.

I imagine OP's mother also made all these rationalising statements about OP's dad and we know that she was left paying back his debts. Not being too much of a totally unqualified armchair psychologist here but are you clinging on to this man because its a familiar pattern that men are bad with money and you don't deserve somebody with a bit of money? You absolutely do deserve somebody who lives within their means and where you can build a life together where you're not worried about the baliffs knocking on the door. I know it is hard when there is a really serious "flaw" in what seems like a decent person but often that "flaw" is who they really are and its not very fixable. I think this man has probably had financial problems for quite a while.

I think it’s made you realise he’s not quite who you thought he was, and the prospect of worrying about money, not spending on holidays, days out, meals out etc is not the future you want. To use a cliche, ‘the ick’.

Of course it would continue to bother you.

This is a massive issue and goes fundamentally to the heart of who he is. To be 44 with no savings, debt and a history of poor credit - it’s not a short term mess he got himself into it’s a long term manifestation of instability, irresponsibility and fecklessness.

Why would you even be considering this given what happened to your mum?

This forum is littered with women who gave men like this the benefit of the doubt. And they end up suddenly discovering 50-100-200k worth of debt years down the line.

I had read the OPs posts. If she has made another post saying he is officially bankrupt then I have missed it. That would be the thing to make him as far from having a good credit rating as you can get. Also, a card being declined doesn't necessarily mean someone has a default history, it could just mean they have reached their credit limit.

I'm sure if you hadn't been poised to hastily correct other people's posts you would have at least mentioned bankruptcy and default history in your criticism because you clearly think you are an expert and would know all about those areas of debt management.

Some people understand compound interest - I assumed he was at least paying the interest on it to prevent unpaid interest from compounding to a larger principal, although interest still accrues on the outstanding balance.

He may not even be doing that of course, but that’s why he tried to get a bank loan because paying it off at once and paying lower interest on a bank loan would be cheaper.

i think going forward, his attitude to money will influence this relationship. Will he aim to change his ways, or carry with his head in the clouds, and not take responsibility? However, it diesn’t look good for a long term future (and children), if he can’t afford, and/or can control and organise his spending as a single man (and keep making excuses for his debt).

If you dont want to read the full thread at least please read all of the OPs posts.

This man is as far from good credit rating as you can get. Nobody is going to he offering him any credit 0% card.

It was quite early in your relationship when he said it was about £3k. Did you ask him for a figure? He shouldn't have lied about the amount but politely telling you it was too soon to be discussing his financial situation, basically mind your own business, would have probably been very uncomfortable for both of you. He should have said that, but I can see why he didn't.

He might not have been dishonest when he said the debt was £6k rather than the £9k it turned out to be. He may have genuinely not known if he'd been burying his head in the sand. People who are anxious about debt, as you said he is, often do that. So if you can cut him some slack about being slow to confide in you the extent of his problem, would you carry on the relationship and watch to see if he became better at managing his money? Sometimes it takes a confrontation like this for people to turn things around.

It sounds like he is paying regularly so he might still have a good credit rating. If he does he may be able to transfer all the debt to a new credit card that offers 0% interest for a set term. That can be up to 2 years. He can set his monthly payment so that the balance will clear when the 0% period ends. Or if that payment would be too high, he would be able to transfer any remaining balance to another 0% when the time comes. Although, doing this might actually reduce his monthly outgoings and he also has that extra £20k coming in so he might be able to clear the debt much sooner.

@Remembertobekind So many people don't seem to understand the importance of compound interest, so they live on credit, pay off the bare minimum, don't save etc. Perhaps it should be taught more in schools?

£22k back on just interest on £9k is shocking. This seems like his only option at this point as nobody else, apart from his DPs, are going to he offering him any credit.

39.9% is representative though. Aqua are a bit opaque about what their maximum interest rate is but it might be 49.9%.

You could OP look at his statement to see what interest rate he’s paying but I’m not sure why you would want to at this point. It’s not going to show you anything you don’t already know: appalling credit history, lies to cover debt up and is unwilling at 44 to take responsibility and sort the mess out himself.