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Original poster

Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

380 replies

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:46

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 08/02/2026 21:55

I think people arent really reading your posts OP, you have done the right thing and I think you're checking in for validation you have done the right thing, not berating and questioning of you.

You'll pull away over time, perhaps remain friends if you wanted to but you're on your way out and thats ok.

Eyesopenwideawake · 08/02/2026 21:54

None of your business.

ElleintheWoods · 08/02/2026 21:54

9k debt really isn't that bad, on his salary he can pay it off with ease pretty quickly - unless you're in London.

Maybe just don't marry him. That's the main reason why I wouldn't ever marry anyone, I wouldn't trust anyone other than myself with my finances.

hettie · 08/02/2026 21:53

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 21:16

Liz Truss era meant interest rates were very high. I am not trying to be his mum but he seems quite helpless so I was genuinely just wanting to help him as I care about him. But yes I know that doesn't create a very romantic dynamic but I suppose I did not want to bury my own head in the sand and carry on seeing someone who I was worried was lying to me.

I can only say how deeply unattractive this is. You're right you're not his mum. Your are also not his emotional support person or life skills tutor. How the fuck did he get to 40+ without learning to budget. It's just so deeply infantile and icky.. How the hell could you remain attracted to that?
It will so get worse... How the hell do you build a life with someone who is so financially incontenent? Stop...stop now whilst you can still walk away

Goldwren1923 · 08/02/2026 21:52

Why is he on Aqua credit card?? And overdraft? That’s the most expensive credit
does he have terrible credit rating so he can’t get a better card? If so, what happened?
he needs to move his debt to a low interest credit card (look at 0% balance transfer or at least low percentage) or a personal loan and then pay it off

question though is he just that daft or there is a serious reason he can’t get any other credit

9k per se with his salary is not that big of a deal, plus he has a property so not total loser. It’s more what’s the reason behind this

2Rebecca · 08/02/2026 21:50

I couldn’t live with someone with that large an income who can’t live within his means. His debt is increasing. I would be taking things very casually. Age 44 he should be putting money away. Is he paying for an expensive divorce

Original poster
SG1301 · 08/02/2026 21:49

well I am not still with him, I said yesterday we were having a break.

OP posts:
Itsmetheflamingo · 08/02/2026 21:47

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/02/2026 21:40

Listen you are clearly desperate to stay with this guy.

It's a lousy idea... you know that yourself.

Lets review the facts....

you say in your op you dont want a partner who cant manage money. Then when the debt manifested you stayed.

you gave a clear ultimatum you'd leave him if he didnt clear the debt.... the debt that he still hasnt cleared... and you didnt leave then either.

Instead you are on here hoping people tell you it's no big deal so you can square the circle.

It's your life ... do what you want but dont kid yourself.
You are signing up for a lifetime of misery and bad surprises with a man you can never fully trust who will let you down over and over again.

Agree. Not being in debt is SO essential for you in a partner yet you’re still with this one. Your boundaries are poor and I think you should explore whether you’re just repeating the pattern you say you want to avoid

tuvamoodyson · 08/02/2026 21:45

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 20:54

No I can't see cash withdrawals on the statements. But he said he owed someone £300, a friend, which he just paid back, and he owed another friend £2k which he paid back in instalments (she said it helped her business or something tax related). He is not hiding that from me and is very remorseful and sad but I worry that if I go back he will just end up in the same situation. The reason this came up was last year his card was declined for only £5 and then I realised there was an issue and asked qs about his salary etc to try to help and understand, not to pry. I didn't force him to show me anything but I asked and he agreed.

They’re always ‘remorseful and sad’ when they’ve caught lying. It means nothing.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/02/2026 21:40

Listen you are clearly desperate to stay with this guy.

It's a lousy idea... you know that yourself.

Lets review the facts....

you say in your op you dont want a partner who cant manage money. Then when the debt manifested you stayed.

you gave a clear ultimatum you'd leave him if he didnt clear the debt.... the debt that he still hasnt cleared... and you didnt leave then either.

Instead you are on here hoping people tell you it's no big deal so you can square the circle.

It's your life ... do what you want but dont kid yourself.
You are signing up for a lifetime of misery and bad surprises with a man you can never fully trust who will let you down over and over again.

rockingroller · 08/02/2026 21:37

And (I speak from bitter experience) someone who has lied once about the level of debt they are in can do it again, and you may never be sure how much they really owe.

soupyspoon · 08/02/2026 21:37

Aluna · 08/02/2026 21:31

20k is 2/3 of a 30k income, which would be the equivalent of 56k on 85k income (or 43k on 65k income). That level of debt would make much more sense in this context.

OP has said he can’t go on holiday - so how much can he blow on M&S food?

Show quote history

He might not go on holiday now, perhaps he used to, who knows

How much can you blow on M+S stuff? I am the expert at this!!!

I think people hugely underestimate day to day excess spending on fairly mundane things, I was just making the point that when people are declaring 'there must be more to this' there really might not be. For me, I wasnt bothered either, so wouldnt have been trying to pay it down as such

On the other hand, yes he might be on coke and prostitutes. Difficult to say.

rockingroller · 08/02/2026 21:36

You might suggest a 6 month break for him to sort out his finances and gets some help from Stepchange or similar. If you both want to be together after the break, he can show his bank statements from which you should be able to tell whether he has got a handle on reducing his debt. Or not. Some people are compulsive spenders and you will have a very difficult life if your partner has that particular problem.

Aluna · 08/02/2026 21:35

cloudtreecarpet · 08/02/2026 21:33

All sounds very odd. London is expensive but, come on, it's not that bad &, as someone else pointed out, it's not an £8 TV subscription that's causing his problems.

Are you sure he isn't gambling or that he doesn't have other debts he is servicing that you don't know about?
Given the salary and the mortgage you mention it just doesn't add up. If he was paying maintenance for kids from a previous relationship it would make more sense.
Be very wary, still doesn't sound like you have the full picture here

Agreed. I’m a Londoner - it’s not Monaco!

SparklyBrickViper · 08/02/2026 21:35

Honestly this isn’t going to get any better for either of you.

Just end it now.

Bunnycat101 · 08/02/2026 21:34

Debt as such isn’t necessarily a bad thing and the OPs reaction is perhaps a bit extreme but similar financial values are such an important part of a long term relationship, she’s not wrong to want out if she sees a very different outlook.

For what it’s worth, one of my old flatmates was high earning but with £50k plus debt, no mortgage or savings eg. He was gay so we’d have never been on a relationship but I couldn’t have ever been with someone with his attitude to money. It used to stress me out enough just living with him and seeing where the money was going while knowing he was fucked financially.

cloudtreecarpet · 08/02/2026 21:33

All sounds very odd. London is expensive but, come on, it's not that bad &, as someone else pointed out, it's not an £8 TV subscription that's causing his problems.

Are you sure he isn't gambling or that he doesn't have other debts he is servicing that you don't know about?
Given the salary and the mortgage you mention it just doesn't add up. If he was paying maintenance for kids from a previous relationship it would make more sense.
Be very wary, still doesn't sound like you have the full picture here

Aluna · 08/02/2026 21:32

AliasGrape · 08/02/2026 21:29

It’s one that people with terrible credit ratings tend to get, so I’d be wondering if there was more to this story honestly.

Show quote history

Yes he clearly has shit credit and there must be a reason for that.

Aluna · 08/02/2026 21:31

soupyspoon · 08/02/2026 21:22

Not necessarily, in my 20s and 30s I carried a high proportion of debt, was around 20k on a 30k income, sometimes my income would be around 60k, went up and down, remortaged a lot to clear it and then spent again. It was holidays, going out, nice things, pricey shops at Waitrose and M+S (they were my two closest supermarkets, you wouldnt have caught me dead in budget supermarkets). Plus the bloody service charge for my flat was huge.

I cleared it all around 16 years ago and havent had debt since. Im as tight as arseholes now.

Show quote history

20k is 2/3 of a 30k income, which would be the equivalent of 56k on 85k income (or 43k on 65k income). That level of debt would make much more sense in this context.

OP has said he can’t go on holiday - so how much can he blow on M&S food?

incognitomummy · 08/02/2026 21:30

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 08/02/2026 21:14

You’ve been seeing him for a year it’s his problem not yours. Keep your beak out. He will want you to come along and try and fix it and before long you will be helping him financially too. Best kept quiet on this one and leave him to it.

This.
walk away.
do not stay friends
cut ties
you have different attitudes to £££
both old enough to make your own decisions
he is not the man for you.

AliasGrape · 08/02/2026 21:29

JerryJacksonitsroughoutthereNsoul · 08/02/2026 20:43

Aqua credit card isn't that a high interest one?
I'd be wondering if the lower rate ones have knocked him back credit ratings etc.
Op you're probably better moving on.

It’s one that people with terrible credit ratings tend to get, so I’d be wondering if there was more to this story honestly.

AngelinaFibres · 08/02/2026 21:29

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 21:13

Sorry the last post should have said: I know it SOUNDS doable but he does not seem to be able to have addressed it thus far. I have lived on 65k in London (granted at the time I did not have that high mortgage) and it is def doable. You just have to be sensible. He had a bad break up before we met and I think he was sad then and I wonder if he started drinking of spending more then. He also said one year he had had a 20k bonus so assumed he would get it the next year and clear any debt, but then for whatever reason the policy changed and he did not get the same bonus.

He had a bad break up because the woman who was there before you got sick of the fact that he's crap with money.

catipuss · 08/02/2026 21:29

He should be able to pay that off in a couple of months on that salary. Does he have a drink, drugs or gambling habit? He's 44 and not a penny to his name just debts? Something badly wrong dump him.

SpringTimeIsRingTime · 08/02/2026 21:29

You're incompatible.
He spends beyond his means and you don't.
He won't change and neither will you.
He will stress you and life will be miserable.
Ditch him asap.

Clearinguptheclutter · 08/02/2026 21:28

While it’s technically not your business I don’t think I would be compatible with someone who earned so much and wasn’t able to sort it

I would be far more sympathetic to someone who was struggling on a very low salary

dh and I are very much on the same financial page and I think that’s so important in a relationship

that all being said it’s not a huge issue given his salary. All of us with a mortgage have some kind of debt.