AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

This. Unless you’re thinking about being a school dinner lady or a teaching assistant?

I’m actually finding that it’s more beneficial to my kids to be present when they are starting their secondary school years and onwards than it was to stay home when they are toddlers. They remember nothing from being with their nanny, but they do know that I’m a lot more available now due to my career progression and having the flexibility to spend time with them. I’m not saying it’s not important to spend time with your young children but really it makes a much bigger difference to them now when I can do homework with them, when I can facilitate their friends coming over or when I can afford to pay for and take them to their hobbies, when I have time to discuss their day to day life and listen to their problems.

As someone else has suggested I would try and drop down to a 4 day week but spread the hours over 5, so you have shorter days.
This would hopefully allow you to collect from nursery etc.
I work part time around our children, my DH works 6 days a week self employed, he earns far more than me even if I worked full time.
Now my youngest is at school I’m trying to up my hours back up to full time, it’s not so easy to increase hours once you drop them and if my DH and I were to separate (which hopefully will never happen) I would struggle, despite having a low mortgage and some savings.

This..dont do it..this is a really short phase you are in and even after a second it is over so fast..you need to think of the bigger picture. You will need your income and career for a lot longer than the primary school years and it sounds like you have a great job and flexibility. Hang onto it and make another plan.

You’ve not thought this through at all. How would working in a school enable you to do drop off and pick ups? Even if your kids were in the same school you don’t finish at 3:15! And if they’re in a different school then you never make any class assemblies, shows, nativities etc.

You should have noted that in my post I made sure to mention "parents" and "people". Nowhere did I use the word "mothers". I purposely did this because I do not think childcare or going part-time should fall on the woman's shoulder automatically.

Honestly it would make much more sense for your husband to go part time in his job or change jobs for a few years, as it is significantly lower paid than yours and very un-childcare friendly.

You are the breadwinner but having to think about picking up the kids from school, taking care of them if they are sick etc because he can’t be there.

I wouldn’t. I would ask your work about going part time (4 days a week)

I agree. While the countryside is appealing, the reality for my rural and semi-rural friends was a LOT of driving.

Home Counties pricing whether Bath, Oxford, Guildford, Sevenoaks, St Albans etc is very similar to London so you’re not even getting more space for money.

A leafy London suburb as a good compromise.

I also think it's sad that a man who has a young child and is planning another has taken a job that gives him little time with thos children and frequently requires nights away leaving his wife as sole caregiver. It's not surprising you're feeling the strain, OP.

I think it's massively important, though, to protect your income for the future. These years when the kids are young are precious, but so are the years when they are older and will suffer if you aren't financially secure. Providing for your kids financially is a huge part of being a good parent. Don't underestimate it.

I also think prioritising your DH's job at your expense right now is likely to become a permanent thing unless you are VERY clear about how long it lasts for, his need to out in the hours with the kids and the housework when he is home so he doesn't become a distant father and husband, and what you're prepared to do. And for a lot of men, because of the way our society has been shaped over the centuries, being dominant financially seeps into how they view their family relationships.

Make sure your budget includes topping up your pension to make up for your reduced job related investment.

On the moving elsewhere idea - I would just point out that the older your kids get the better it is for them to be in London. London is a great place for kids who have passions as there are a lot of high quality clubs etc. in every interest, a fantastic place for teenagers, and a good launching pad for careers when they get that little bit older.

This is amazing - but you must surely be the exception? I can't think of many industries where you could walk back in at an equivalent or higher level after 2 decades. Surely things move on / regs change / practices evolve?

I did it!
I left a well paid job in London when I had my first baby (he’s now 21). I ended up doing a lot of volunteering for 5 years, then did some self-employed work for another 5 years. Then I was desperate to do something more substantial but needed school hours as my kids would not have coped with going to nursery or childcare after work.

I ended up being a TA for 10 years. I loved it. It felt vocational to me, but was very poorly paid (was on £15k after 10 years as it was term-time only pay), and was becoming increasingly hard to deal with some very bad behaviour. So I left.

I was incredibly fortunate to walk back into a role at my original employer at a higher level than I was on before - so it’s absolutely possible to return after a big gap (20 years for me).

however, in hindsight I should have left 2-3 years previously (before it got super hard)… all I am whacking loads into my pension to try to catch up a bit

You have a pretty good arrangement going here - I would be wary of rocking the boat unless you're actively unhappy.

Completely understand you wanting to enjoy as much time as possible with your children while they are little, but the time and energy of leaving london, house hunting, moving, putting down new roots, finding other work, etc will all take time and energy away from them too. And you cannot underestimate the anxiety that comes with feeling you are living above your means - which could easily happen with a major pay cut. It would be awful if you ended up working more or the same hours, less flexibly and for less money - which could easily happen if you give up your current job and then find that the cost of living in eg. Bath is not as different as you expected...

It sounds like your company values you, and if you need to take an afternoon off for an early pick up because a child is ill etc, that won't be a huge deal. That should not be an unusual privilege in the workplace - but it is. A part time job with less flexibility could actually end up feeling more restrictive overall.

Are there things you can do to maximise the time - and quality of that time - with your family in your current situation? Eg - a cleaner, gardener, some meal prep services? Things to make sure that when you're with them, you're actually WITH them.

I’d really like to take a step back after my second maternity leave

Why do you need to decide now. You're not even pregnant yet

So, having a high salary buys you one of 2 things - an option to buy more things or work less (if allowed). A TA salary is 14k according to Google, so you would earn more in 1 day a week in your current job vs 5 days a week as a TA. A good option would be to find a job share for your current role. Work 2.5 days, around for 3 pick ups, and earn x3 the TA role.

But that still excuses him from helping you and your career has to take the hit?

Let’s not dress this up. The reason you want to stop your job is because it’s getting too hard juggling and you know that will be harder with 2. So he gets to focus on his.

If it’s genuinely what you want then that is fine. But if you love your job and it’s the juggling that is exhausting you then it doesn’t have to be you that compromises. He has one child and maybe two soon. He doesn’t get to act like he has no children and leave everything to you.

I might be in a minority but for us, London has been a great place to raise kids. So much to do and a lot of it is free. As they got older, they could navigate the tubes and buses themselves and we were not taxi drivers.

My kids have loved their London upbringing. We encouraged them to go to uni away from London but both are determined to live back here. And know they can stay with us for a few months whilst they look for work etc.

As empty-nesters, we love London life, going to the west end, galleries, out for dinner with friends etc. I look forward to growing old here, though I bet they will take the freedom pass away before we get there. Obviously, London is not for everyone, and there are no gorgeous rolling hills etc so it depends on what you want. Just another perspective!

Yes I would seriously consider it.

I wouldn't after reading through your post.

I would stay where you are with your low, affordable mortgage.
I would get help with children drop offs and pick ups.
I would stay where I have a support network, especially if your DH is looking to be away from home several nights a week. I've seen too many marriages fail and the wife left holding the children and household bag when one spouse works away. Keep your career intact.

I'd also be asking for him to reconsider his own career if it's removing him from the family and his family responsibilities to that extent while your child/ren are so young. You are the primary earner; he's earning less AND doing less. That's really not reasonable.

You only have one life.
Do what's right for you and what's most important to you.

Sick leave from stress until you are ready to go back ...not ideal but if you need to keep your job...

Thank you! I was the first person in my org to do this specific pattern (in recent memory at least), so ive been really keen to make it work. I have a very supportive manager who has helped and I've had to put some strict boundaries in place about meetings, but on the whole its working really well so far.

I did it and don’t regret it at all. I have returned to my career now my kids have grown up but worked in schools so that I could be around for them. There were definitely financial compromises but I was a single parent and they needed me.

Which is more important, a countryside lifestyle or being around more for the children? If it's the first then I'd say stick with the good wages, pay off the mortgage and get more savings in. The more money you have in the kitty, the safer you all are and the more wiggle room you have if you wished to move later.