AIBU to give up an £80,000 job to work part time school hours?

We don't know that he is opting out.

My BIL regularly works away for a couple of weeks at a time, and they do it because it benefits them. Yes it leaves SIL in charge of their DC and the home, but it also brings in a large chunk of money. BIL is a very involved parent when he's home, even if he's had to commute back and forth a few hours round trip a day.

Progressing her Hs career could give OP what she wants further down the line. If he is able to bring more money in, they need her salary less, she could have more time home with the kids and switch to that role she is coveting. But the short term might be that he needs to do something to get there.

At no point has OP said he's checking out of parenting. Just that he doesn't have the same desire to step back from his career as she's currently feeling. And that's also allowed, man or woman.

Yes great for him. He gets to opt out of parenting/pick ups/juggling/housework/cooking. He gets to focus purely on his career like a single man does.

Can we not downplay this. The only situations that I see work where two people are full time are when it’s all split 50:50. Or there’s a nanny/loads of help. If the woman is working full time (and earning more) and doing pretty much everything with the kids and the home then that strikes me as a little unfair and untenable. Something will have to give and it will most like be her career.

If that’s what she wants then fine. But she has a great flexible job that earns more than him. Why does he get to dial out of any parenting?

How is this helping women progress in their careers? Letting the men do no parenting or housework because their commute is 30 minutes longer…

generally yes absolutely, but OPs husband's career plans include not even being there for a big part of the week.

Or getting your DH do to something round the house and help a bit more.

Thank you. I don’t think anyone was picking up on this. The DH was completely absent from the discussion and it seemed all on the OP.

We struggled to get pregnant for 3 years so when I had my son i knew he'd be my only and I wanted to make sure I was there to experience all motherhood had to offer. I was the manager of a shop at the time , not very well paid so I wasn't in your position at all but I decided not to go back to work full-time and instead have been doing jobs that fit around my family. Husband is very supportive of this. My son is now 11 and due to start secondary school in September and I can honestly say it has been the greatest joy of my life being so lucky to have spent this time with him. I have done every school drop off and pick up, sports days, plays, assembly , summer fairs christmas activities ect... and I wouldn't have missed it for the world, the primary school years have been the loveliest time and being able to read with him every night and help with homework and all that stuff without the stress of a high powered job has been great. I know not all mums love the school runs and hate all the school activities but I found all the other mums fine, no bitching or falling outs its just been nice , but maybe im just lucky. Im 45 now and when hes settled in secondary school I'm thinking of retraining to do something better paid, let's face it ive probably got another 20 years or so working life left. I don't think any mum on her deathbed would say I regret spending so much time with my kids. It has honestly been the biggest joy and somthing ill treasure forever. We manage to pay our bills have a nice little 3 bed semi and go on nice holidays so what more do you need in life! money isn't everything, fillng your life with happy memories and love are, do what you feel will fill your heart most. Good luck in whatever you decide.

or choosing between earning 80K in a flexible family friendly job, and getting some help around the house - or still doing it all while on minimum wage, and still needing help as those jobs are generally not flexible.

I think you should stick to your current job and hours. Your husband needs to find a job that’s closer to home so he can also do some parenting. I wouldn’t be trying for another child until your husband steps up.

Try thinking of it the other way, I would say most people are underpaid for the work they do. You have clearly earned what are getting, and if you weren't bringing value to the company they would change the role.

Think of how much some 'celebrities' receive for the work they do? Is anyone worth millions for a few weeks work? In comparison, you live in one of the most expensive cities and earn £80k.....

I wouldn’t personally but it’s obviously your choice. You’re in a stronger position than most with the savings and low mortgage. The risk is if your marriage collapses and you’re only earning 15k a year as a TA or whatever lowly figure it is nowadays. School hours jobs don’t tend to pay well- TA, dinner lady, school receptionist etc.

I’d be considering reducing hours where you currently are first, if that’s an option.

I think what PP have been getting at is -

If you're choosing between doing 90% of the domestic duties and working full time or doing 90% of the domestic duties and working part time, it's not exactly a totally free choice. As it doesn't sound like doing 50:50 is an option as your DH wouldn't pick up his share

Sometimes the higher paying jobs come with much better flexibility than the lower paying ones.

I could easily out earn DH (if I chose to be full time) but I'd still have better flexibility and therefore the ability to do all drops/picks.

His job is well paid and fairly important (to the world, not just cos he has a big "man job"), but if I was full time we'd still need his job as well as mine. It doesn't have the ability for him to do it on reduced hours, the nature of his job means he needs to be on site 5 days a week and on call regularly.

Sometimes it just falls that way, and it's not to do with one being a woman and the other a man. DH would love to do all the drop off and pick ups for school, and he does do as many pick ups from nursery as he can because he loves seeing her little face when daddy appears.

Ok if it’s genuinely what you want. It’s hard to know until you’re actually in it and have taken the career hit and are at home with 2 kids!

I hope it works out. I’m only pushing for your DH to do more as it does seem a bit unfair that you have the higher paying job, work full time and also do all the pick ups and I’m guessing picking up the slack at home. I fell in to that and nearly had a nervous breakdown. It’s hard work and only gets harder with 2.

I’m only asking for the DH to step up so that the choice is a true choice. If he could shoulder some of the burden would she want to take a less well paid job and step away from her career?

Is it because she’s worn out with the juggle or does she genuinely want a little part time job and therefore see more of her kids.

At no point am I saying she’s being stupid! I did exactly what she did. I gave up a very well paid job (though completely inflexible to be fair!) and retrained to do a part time job around the kids whilst DH focused on his career and travelled. On the whole I think it was the right decision. But I’d be lying if I said that the decision wasn’t slightly forced upon me due to lack of help and DH’s job always taking priority.

She has a very well paid, flexible job.
All it would take to continue that is a bit more help from her DH and maybe
more outside help. Surely if her job is the most well paid then he should be doing more?

If it’s nothing to do with the juggle and she wants to spend more time at home with her child then that’s all good.

Honestly, I am not worried. I trust my husband. I know men arent viewed highly on Mumsnet, but I am also not going to live in fear, because I do not have complete trust in my relationship from when we promised to love, honour and obey one another, and share all that we had with each other. It works both ways. He trusts me and I trust him. Sahm and never had a pension when I was working is why.

She has literally posted saying that this is something she feels she wants.

My actual advice was to consider taking her current role part time for a while to keep her hand in at least and continue building a pension and so on.

But women should be allowed to make decisions for themselves without other women acting like they're being stupid for considering doing something they want to do.

Completely- if that is what she wants. If she wants to dial down her career, give up her (very well paid) job and do everything at home. I wouldn’t also underestimate how hard it will be with him not only having a long commute but then being away fo 3 nights a week.

That’s solo parenting at least half of the time. She may well want to be at home and support his career.

He does need to recognise that and appreciate what she’s given up.

Personally I wouldn’t move “out” of London or give up a job you like that pays well and gives you 3 days WFH. To go live in an unfamiliar town or village to work more hours out of the house for less money.

The finances don’t add up

Even if you went to live in the cheapest place in the country it won’t be £80,000 less per year.
You say your dh commutes to work atm but would be staying away 3 nights per week if you moved.
How much realistically would the extra petrol and over night stays cost.

I know several people who did this
Loneliness and haemorrhaging money were the overriding factors they either returned to London (even though when they returned their budget didn’t afford them the same as they had left.) A couple emigrated and one moved back to Home Counties area when they realised all their children having left for university at 18, now all worked in London with none wanting to return to their childhood countryside home.

Personally I would look at Greater London /Home Counties areas and where both you and your dh need to get to
A non stopping train and sometimes a train that stops at each station can cut down your commute dramatically and whilst housing is still relatively expensive you will get a little more house for your money without the need to compromise commute time or giving up your jobs.

I actually read it as her H was supporting her wanting to at least drop hours or change role by saying he'd find ways to pick up the financial slack.

I may have missed it, but I didn't see the husband proposing to pick up the slack. OP says he has opportunities and potential in mid- to long term, not that there will be immediate pay rises. Going from 130K family income to 50K will be quite a delta to cover.

I actually read it as her H was supporting her wanting to at least drop hours or change role by saying he'd find ways to pick up the financial slack. Which means working more and progressing his career to earn more money.

DH and I take it in turns to push our careers. We're currently focusing on his as he's in a good position to take a big step up over the next year or so. I did that a couple of years ago and won't be ready for the next step for another year at least so it balances well.

Some Hs are good about supporting what their wives want.

Mate, it doesn’t work like that. You’re being naive. There’s no such thing as getting more because you’re being aggressive. In fact it’s frowned upon and you’d likely get penalised. It’s a basic split sums game. You might get more of the cash/ equity because he has a pension. Still leaves you with no pension scrambling around to survive in your twilight years. Why doesn’t he pay into a pension for you?

The husband appears to have opted out of any childcare and is proposing to take on more work and be away three days a week. Really push his career. Without the juggle - lucky him.

So I’m guessing he would be fully on board with OP picking up all the slack at home (like she does now but with a full time job).

I just want the OP to think about whether she really wants to dial down her career/ leave her job or whether it’s because juggling a full time job with kids is too hard for her her (with zero help). If she wants to keep her career the answer is the DH steps up/she gets more help and maybe looks at 4 days.

I think it’s natural to want to spend more time with your children when they were younger. There are many factors you need to consider including living off one salary, the risk that comes with that and how your save for 2 pensions equally from one pot

In the short term, can you look at compressed hours whilst your child is in longer nursery hours if part time doesn’t work. It would give you 3 full days with your child each week

There's more to life than money. It's great that you're prioritising your child (& potential 2nd). Do what feels right for you...& enjoy your little one. Time flies very fast & every minute is valuable.