I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

this happened to me as a child and I developed terrible mental health issues

... she is saying no contact then!

She can say whatever she wants, but this isn't her decision. She can't force no contact unless she goes through the courts and proves that the dad is a danger to the children, and there doesn't seem to be any basis for that. It sounds like she is using the children to get her way and does not care how it impacts them. I don't know why she is insisting on this arrangement (her stated reasons aren't logical, let along convincing) but she's being so erratic that it's probably a good proactive step for your husband to get a formal CMS order in place. He also should be seeing the children LOT more - if splitting up the week is impossible because of the distance, could he advocate for more time with him during school holidays?

If it does go to court the 8 & 10 yrs old children have a right to say what they want. A social worker aka a Cafcass officer will represent the children's views in court on their behalf. The children have rights and are able to express their thoughts, feelings etc without feeling pressure from their parents.

Your husband will need to take the legal route. However all courts expect that mediation is attempted first. Find a family mediation centre locally and approach for fees. It is expensive (approx £250 per meeting) but a whole lot cheaper than via the courts which could be £10k or more depending on how long it runs on.

If it is a proper mediator then they can get court sign off on the agreement reached - effectively a legal court order. However if the other party wont engage with the mediation process then you can get a certificate to evidence that the mediation failed to enable the court process to begin. Courts wont usually allow a court process without the mediation certificate.

But none of this is on your shoulders. It should not be your responsibility for contact to happen / not happen. Its a strange thing for the mother to split up the kids on contact - i wonder is it about making contact less fun with dad? Maybe the boys are talking about it at home and its making the mum feel insecure. Either way I would just suggest husband contacts mediation orgs without delay.

I've read all your posts and some of the others.

I would guess that maybe her relationship has broken down and where it was nice to have a free weekend every 2 weeks to spend together, now it's just emptiness. I could be wrong and really her relationship/life isn't really anyone else's business. However, if she won't give any reasons for changing contact arrangements with the children's father (your DH) then that's not acceptable, particularly splitting the children up if they get on well. In effect they would only see their father for 24 hours each per month. No court would deem that acceptable unless the mother has legitimate reasons for doing this.

I would apply to court. I've been through this albeit on the flipside where the father wouldn't co-operate, even though he applied to the court. He had his own agenda.

Nobody likes going to court but sometimes you have to. Just keep your focus on what's best for the children and keep personal feelings & opinions relating to the other parent out of it x

I know he can't drive. I mentioned that in another post.
But how does he get himself around then. I'm guessing OP isn't his full time Uber driver.

Just want to say, you sound like a great step mum that’s really trying hard. Ignore those who seem to be trying to make an issue over what you are doing

Perhaps she thought the new areas were better for herself and the children, and seeing as she has them the vast majority of the time and the ex was only doing EOW anyway why shouldn't she.

Who knows why? Maybe she was unhappy in the relationship before then? We sometimes see on here that people want to leave their partner and then feel like they can't once they're diagnosed with something, but perhaps in her case she decided no that's it I'm done. It's not clear if she physically cheated on her partner or just left him after emotionally cheating or what happened.

Yeah I agree with this. So many times on threads where the resident parent, most likely mum, says her ex wants the kids every weekend, the resounding answer is that she deserves some of the "nice" time with them also - not just the after work and school time.

I don't know what the answer is OP but it's clearly not you being the mug doing 4 hours of driving every weekend.

If the driving to facilitate the children spending time with their sick father is too much for her why did she move away in the first place ?

Or why did she leave her sick husband for another man, as soon as she discovered her husband was ill ?

@martinisforeveryone
I thought the person who moved away should at least drive half way for drop off and pick ups. At least in a fair world.

There's nothing fair about expecting a mother who has the kids the vast majority of the time to then have to do half the driving when the other parent has them EOW. The mother does ALL of the rest of the driving for the rest of the 2 weeks, along with everything else.

@HelenaWilson

I've scrolled to the end to say

CANCEL THE CHEQUE

Checking OP's posts might give you an insight

Exactly, and if OP is right, in this case the children don't seem to want to visit their dad separately. Or more to the point prefer to visit together.

How are OP and her DH expected to have them during the week when their school run takes two hours twice a day ? Would you do it ? No, of course you wouldn’t.

If I only had my kids EOW absolutely I would do it.I did an hour round trip twice a day to bring one of mine to school even though there was a school bus, my other child went on the school bus. For various reasons the bus suited one of their needs at the time and getting dropped in suited the other one, so yes I absolutely would have had no issue driving for mid week contact/access to spend time with my own children, it's not some weird outrageous idea like you are suggesting 😂 2 hour round trip to spend time with your kids is perfectly reasonable.

And for all we know she does have good reasons for it, but hopefully it doesn't come to court and they can come to some arrangement or keep it the same.

Your hubby has been a barely there weekend dad fir years. You should be embarrassed of him!!! His poor kids. They're growing up and realizing their dad can barely be bothered to spend time with them, and their step mom wants it to stay that way.

And this.

The mum sounds like a piece of work. Time to get the courts involved for a proper, legal, arrangement.

Reading all your posts, this is a shit show of an arrangement.
You need to go to court and get proper schedules in place.

(You sound amazing btw. What a lovely, supportive partner).

But then she will getting to have quality time with her boys together during the week and their dad, and you, will only see them separately? That seems extremely unfair to me

Also this.

This.

If you bothered to read the OP's posts, yes, there is a medical reason he's not allowed to drive.

Only been said virtually every other post for pages. So many assumptions are being made on this thread by people who can't be arsed to read all the OP's updates.

Something's going on here, the question is what?

The ex's proposition doesn't benefit the OP (all the extra driving for less time spent for father and family) and it certainly doesn't in any way benefit the children.

I thought the person who moved away should at least drive half way for drop off and pick ups. At least in a fair world.

I think the courts need to decide.

Edited to say not that I think the ex should be changing arrangements for the OP's benefit, but keep moving further away and then wanting to specify this strange, changed arrangement, suggests something odd afoot.

Unless there is a medical reason, your husband needs to get off his arse and get his drivers license. YANBU

He needs to learn to drive so it’s not all on you

Or she could just cancel the cheque.

Jesus wept.