I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

This awful finger wagging about driving is really awful. Lots of people don't drive for very good reasons which no one's business. The only relevant thing in this context is that he doesn't.

I feel the same.
Every other weekend and a two week summer holiday is not enough.
Saying you can't have them every weekend ''because you have a work/life balance and have other stuff to do on the weekend'' is really selfish.

What about the women that have no choice but to do the vast majority of parenting even though they have severe chronic illness?

the double standard is wild.

I have no reason to project. I guess I look at my own parents who were amazing with me and my siblings but I’m never quite sure they were the best parent and step parent to my half sisters.

I always think that as a step parent you need to imagine if the parent who picks up the slack all week died or just decided they were done. What would happen then?

No need to be so rude. Just because I don’t see or hear what you do. You need to calm down a bit if you want to make a fair point.

What do the boys think?

Yes it seems like a move to be disruptive but they are his children. If not separated from his ex he’d have them every weekend no? That’s what he signed up for when having children.

he also needs to work out a better way to pick up his children, maybe meet half way?

but you are also entitled to feel like you don’t want to have a child every weekend.

You realise he’s significantly ill and can’t drive ? You realise it’s his ex that has been calling the shots regarding contact and is getting progressively more and more unreasonable in her demands. If this man has a progressive and significant illness and is working during the week to support his kids, then it’s very possible that EOW gives him one weekend in every two to recuperate before he has to do it all again, and allows him the respite so that he can engage with his kids when he does see them, as OP has indicated he does. Try taking the ‘bad dad’ blinkers off and looking at the actual facts. So much projection on this thread, and outright hatred of step parents, even when they’re engaged with the DSS and trying to facilitate good relations. It’s sickening, but unfortunately not surprising

And if the mother won’t let him have the DC more? As far as I can see, he’s entitled to half the holidays, but she allows a week. She only wants him to have each child EOW , which was together but now separately. He hasn’t refused to spend more time with them…and since she’s the one who keeps moving away, weeknights must be difficult if it’s an hour each way after work ..depending on their ages/ homework / after school activities.

You really hate step parents don’t you ? What a pathetic, projecting post. Nothing in any of OP’s posts suggests anything like this is going on.

DH gets a significant health diagnosis. Ex promptly starts a relationship with a work colleague and ends the marriage. Moves, not once but three times further and further away from the non resident partner, despite knowing he’s significantly ill and can’t drive. What kind of parent does that ?

She then limits the time spent with them in the holidays, making booking holidays difficult and now she wants to split up the children so he only has contact with them one at a time, and every weekend, for much less time than the current arrangement. And you think he’s the unreasonable one ? Batshit. I’m astounded by the lengths some posters will go to label a father ‘dead beat’ when it’s clear that the situation is difficult, involves significant illness and an ex who seems determined to make things as difficult as possible with no thought for the children involved

What those poor kids will realise is they have gone from spending 3 nights with their dad as a family to being spit up and only getting 24hrs every other weekend. I have read the thread and what I see is

Mum leaves dad
Moves not once but 3 times!
Now trying to change the arrangement so the kids are split up every weekend
The new arrangement means he actually sees less of his kids
She limits how much time he spends with them during the holidays and makes booking time away difficult
Refuses to do any of the driving to facilitate her new demands

Sorry but the mum has a lot to answer for and her kids will see that one day. I have no idea why so many people are trying to turn OP and her dh into the villains here. It's not like he can have the kids during the week as she moved an hrs drive away which would be even longer on public transport. No one with an ounce of common sense thinks people can constantly uproot themselves and leave behind homes and jobs to chase what is starting to sound like a bitter ex around the country.

You say it isn't her decision but what's the options? Turn up to the door and demand. She refuses to open. DH shouts through the door encouraging the kids to escape. He runs them to the car. Next time he comes to pick up, she just isn't home. He camps out in the car and when they return at 10pm he causes a huge drama and tries to force the kids to choose him. Sounds healthy. Not

Op goes to school as usual but turns up early with a pretend appointment to get the kids out early and leave with them. Mom turns up and a whole drama ensues. Next pickup for OP she's refused the kdis so she waits until actual pick up time and then tries to wrestle them from their Mom. Sounds healthy. Not

DH takes them and refuses to ever return them. Sounds healthy. Not

His only recourse is legal. He needs the weight of law on his side.

Exactly. The projection is very strong here.

I can’t ‘award’ a Thanks and an Agree but please take both.

A lot of sense here.

It absolutely is about OP if she’s the one expected to facilitate contact by doing all the driving. I don’t think posters appreciate how a significant health diagnosis changes things - especially a progressive condition. DH’s is significant enough for his ex to have ended his first marriage because of it.

We have no idea how his condition affects DH, but the EOW arrangement likely allows him to spend an active weekend with his kids, before a week of work, which, let’s not forget is paying maintenance for them. His condition possibly means his earning capacity is reduced so he has to work harder to earn the same wage. So each alternate weekend ‘off’ means he has a chance to recuperate before doing it all again.

OP has been very guarded about divulging his condition, citing tiredness and fluctuating symptoms. I’m guessing MS, which, if correct, is going to be immensely difficult to deal with as time goes on. I think both OP and her DH are doing their best in what sounds like difficult circumstances. I think you’re right, it is about what DH wants, and that appears to be more time with his kids than ex seems to want to allow. It’s also about how much capacity his condition will allow - work and everyday living in general will all be affected.he still has to Given that OP is on board in supporting him, l don’t see what the criticism from some posters is about.

Let’s stick with the information OP has given us and leave the fantasy to published fiction writers.

Go to mediation, then court. You will get more time with them, together, and she will be worse off at the end of it. They are unlikely to give more that EOWE during term time because you are over an hour away so they don’t want the children’s schooling disrupted, but set out a schedule of what you want, EOWE Friday after school to Monday morning. Shared handover travel responsibilities. Time in every holiday. This is very likely to be granted.

It’s clear they like being with you and it’s clear they like being together. She’s not putting her kids first in this situation and it’s really bloody sad. It always is in these types of situations.

We spent years backward and forward dancing to their tune (her and her ex-H, who has called us to apologise since everything that’s happened in the past 2 years) just to keep the peace and not put DSS in the middle or through stress feeling he was wrong or had to choose. Every time we got ready to take things further she’d become reasonable for about 6-12 months and then some nonsense would start again. She was hugely manipulative of DSS and would get him to say when he did and didn’t want to come. If we had our time again we would have taken it to court from the very beginning in hindsight. So do it and just get it done, because, in the long run, that is the best thing.

We have an interesting situation now with DSS he’s now a teen and you can see that, whilst she still has a bit of a hold over him as it’s a pattern that has been built over years and years, he knows what she does/what she did. He loves her, she’s his mum and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but he isn’t dumb! Since she left her last husband and they were introduced to her new boyfriend straight out the bat and his old step dad has had to fight to see his own children and DSS was old enough to truly understand what was happening the scales well and truly fell from DSS eyes! That’s what she needs to remember is that, in time, her children will grow and become very wise to everything that’s gone on!

🤣🤣🤣. He’s unlikely to be able to use public transport, which would probably turn a two hour round trip into four hours anyway - if you think PIP mobility is going to cover a two hour round trip by taxi four times a month, you’re deluded.

He’s ill. Significant and progressive health condition which fluctuates. I’m guessing MS. He possibly uses public transport or taxis if/when able and OP will be used to running him around in the car a lot more than a partner would normally do. He also possibly claims PIP to help with extra costs. In these circumstances loved ones support each other, because that’s what you do when needs increase. In sickness and in health and all that. Not that any of ths is relevant to OP’s situation, unless you’re suggesting he does the journey himself by other means ?

But it’s not good for them to not have time together with their dad - that’s family time. This plan really encourages them to compare and be jealous and judgemental - dad did what with you? You had pizza??

DH is ill. Ex knows it and appears to be making things deliberately difficult. There is only one reason ex is proposing one child at a time, and that’s to tie up every weekend for DH. No court is going to allow this kind of arrangement without a compelling reason. It’s not in the best interests of the children and they’ll see straight through it for what it is - an attempt to inconvenience. And if DHs illness has reduced his earning capacity then maybe, just maybe he needs to work longer hours in order to pay the £500 a month maintenance that posters here are so critical of. And maybe he needs the child free weekends so he can recuperate and do it all again. Illness takes its toll and it’s clear that DH’s condition is significant and progressive. We cope however we can.

This is just pure fantasy so that you can continue to blame DH for the actions of his ex. OP was perfectly clear. He received a significant health diagnosis. She was unhappy about it and began a relationship with a work colleague, and ended the marriage. Doesn’t matter if the relationship was physical, emotional or both, cheating is cheating, and particularly callous in this case.

OP also said there was no need for ex to move away - it was a want not a need. What kind of resident parent deliberately moves their children a two hour round trip away from their other parent without good reason - especially knowing they can’t drive and are ill ? You stated in an earlier post that ex shouldn’t have to drive the children for contact as she has to do everything else during the week - well boo-hoo. She should have thought of that before moving them to a place that would necessitate a two hour school run, effectively preventing DH from access during the week.

This woman is now proposing to change the contact which will actually result in DH seeing his children less, not more, but will necessitate contact every weekend, one child at a time. I can’t think of a single reason why you would support such deliberately inconvenient behaviour which is entirely self serving and detrimental to the children themselves. You’re clearly projecting your own bitterness here to the detriment of actual fact.

Hmm, as for splitting them up the boys won’t see each other for four days a month that’s not a ridiculously long time for siblings to be parted. My only objection would be that they wouldn’t spend time together with their dad. However, it appears your main objection is that it would be inconvenient for you.

The stuff about working long hours during the week so you can effectively spend four days a month with the boys, isn’t the big sacrifice that you think it is. All the adults in this situation don’t come across particularly well.

@ImthedriverSo good luck with meditation, it is needed.

You sound like a caring and supportive wife, and lovely, reasonable step mum

He needs to go to the courts if she is withdrawing contact to try and get her own way. Unbelievable she expects you to do a 2hr round trip for such a short time and every weekend. Absolutely not. A court order will be best option so she can stop threatening stopping contact.