I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

Yes. Exactly. That’s what OP said. She moved away because she wanted to, not because she needed to. She started an affair with a work colleague after DH got his diagnosis and then ended the marriage. A shitty thing to do but it happens. You’re implying that OP is either lying or not telling the whole truth. I think she’s been pretty upfront with details. If we don’t believe anything the OP says then there really is no point to MN is there ?

We can only ‘know’ what OP tells us. All the rest is whatiffery, maybe, she might; all of which is pointless. If OP’s ex won’t give a cogent reason for wanting the changes no guessing from OP, her husband or us is going to progress understanding. All we can do is try to offer suggestion as to what OP and her husband might want to do.The majority of suggestions have been to pursue this through the Family Court, starting with Mediation as usual, not black and white but geberal suggestions.

From OP’s most recent post there seems to have been some response back from the children’s mother but how OP and her husband deal with that is for them to decide.

Do you have children? Your partner has taken them away and you’ve not managed to stop it. Your new partner who doesn’t love your children has said I’m not leaving. What do you do? Who do you choose?

This is not remotely what the situation is. No-one is ‘leaving’. OP hasn’t said she doesn’t love the children - she’s actively trying to stop his ex from cutting the contact time for both kids. You’re not reading between the lines, you’re making it up as you go along. I haven’t got anything wrong and I’m dismissive of your posts because you’re talking crap.

WTF are you on about. Read the OP’s comments and try to wrap your brain around them. At the moment DH has both children together every other weekend from Friday to monday morning - four full days and six nights per month.

His ex is proposing he has them one at a time overnight on alternate weekends. That means he gets to see each child for two nights and two full days a month. In what world is that more than he’s doing now ? And where has OP said he’s grabbed any opportunity to drop all time ? His ex is proposing to stop contact if he doesn’t agree to the new arrangement which is LESS time and OP is proposing court to stop her. Maybe if you weren’t so keen to label him a shit dad you’d read and understand properly because at the moment you’re projecting and it’s getting in the way of common sense and reason.

The op has clearly said they work hard and need their down time. Read between the lines.

Remember it doesn’t effect either of us. We can still read whatever we like into the op.
Please remember that when you argue a point. I skip over most of what you say because you are dismissive or get it very wrong!

Ah ok then just pure black and white thinking...so without a thought in her head at all she just wanted to move away so she did, and again without a thought in her head her husband got a diagnosis so she just started a new relationship and left despite being perfectly happy before then.

ok.

What the ex did is irrelevant. He may have not had chronic issues when she left. We don’t know the whole story. The kids are the priority. We shouldn’t punish kids for what the other parent has done.

my point is that people often have to parent regardless of health issues. I have had to be a single parent with chronic health and now my partner helps (with kids that aren’t his own which will be make mn gasp) because Ex sees kids eow.

Really sorry to hear must be so stressful.

What about women who stick with their partners despite a significant health diagnosis ? Which is more than the ex did. Started an affair after the diagnosis and then ended the marriage. She brought about this situation by moving a two hour round trip away, effectively putting paid to any midweek contact with DH because of a two hour round trip school run, which is batshit. She doesn’t get to call the shots just because it suits her. She has children to consider, and so far she seems to be using them as weapons.

I don’t need to calm down thanks. And my point is fair. Unlike yours. OP hasn’t indicated anywhere that they wouldn’t pick up the slack if something tragic happened. She’s trying to do her best for DSS while making sure that her DH’s illness is properly accommodated. Something the ex hasn’t even considered in her rush to make things even more difficult for them.

Nope. DH has a progressive illness and works during the week. OP won’t disclose the illness but my guess is MS. So limited capacity and exhaustion will be among some very unpleasant symptoms. Every other weekend allows one weekend in two for him to recuperate so that he can engage with his sons properly while he has them, and still have enough energy to work. He’s supporting his children. What would posters rather have - the kids every weekend and no time to recover, so that eventually he has to give up work and can’t support them ? Then he’d be a deadbeat dad again. He can’t win.

She didn’t. Read the thread. OP says it was a want not a need. The key piece of information here is that it was ex’s decision to move their children a two hour round trip away, despite knowing DH was ill and couldn’t drive. What responsible parent does that ? She’s hasn’t considered the childrens’ needs one bit throughout and the proposal to only allow contact one child at a time is batshit. If you can’t be arsed to properly understand what’s actually happening, why are you posting ?

Wow, such a lecturing post. There is a lot OP and DH can do. They don’t have to let the ex win. They can go to court (ex refused mediation from what I remember from the start of the thread). Everything should be for the benefit of the children, but it absolutely should not be to the detriment of the absent parent. It wasn’t his choice to be ill. It wasn’t his choice for his ex to start a relationship with someone else when he was diagnosed, or to end the marriage.

Who says they’re not trying ? It wasn’t them who moved a two hour round trip from the absent parent, despite knowing he was medically prevented from driving. Progressive illness is hard to deal with and it seems to me that ex is making it worse. They absolutely shouldn’t facilitate this. It’s time for court and to sort it out properly - also to get a court order to stop ex from moving her children even further away.

It needs much better communication between the ex and your husband.
Its ok digging in your heels and saying 'no I wont put up with this' but the losers in all this will be the kids.

We had years of being messed about by his ex and had to put ourselves in a position of doing a 480 mile round trip every Saturday for 6 hours with his child.
Bloody awful but better than the ex being able to tell the child that daddy couldn't be bothered.
Is it fair? of course not but he had a child and I accepted that when we got together. The memory of the child having to open his Christmas presents from dad in the back of the car for 5 or 6 years is horrible but the kids come first and fair or not you do what is right by them.

They wont always be small, its a temporary stage but you dont want to look back in future years and know you didnt really put them first. Worse still, you dont want them to look by and see you didnt try.

I would get a CAO in place in your situation. Go for two weeks at summer etc rather than trying to negotiate. And formalise the EOW etc

It’s really is…..all you have to do is read the first few messages and you get the gist. If you can’t be bothered reading her message, do not comment! The Op and her husband are doing their very best and actually want the kids more which gives their mother a break. And if one more person comments on why her husband can’t drive I’ll scream. HE CANNOT FOR MEDICAL REASONS!!

That sounds horrendous obviously! But also a rarer example of a case?

What do you suggest instead?

@ImthedriverSo

The mum sounds rather controlling and manipulative.

I really hope something can get sorted for soon and you get a more organised, and fairer, arrangement.

(I’m really surprised at some of the responses here - partly people not reading the updates, which we’ve all been guilty of obviously, and I guess it’s a really emotive topic too!)

But the point is that it's actually less time they would be having the boys with more driving. In what universe does that make sense?

Clearly my remarks preceded the rest of OP’s disclosures, especially that there is illness preventing his driving.
(It’s all very well for angry commenters in the thread to yell about this being nobody’s business, but we've recently had threads where the lack of a necessary husbandly driving licence in a similar circs was due merely to inertia and his unwillingness to get off his arse for his children)

OP herself has some right to latitude I think, so if these lengthy pickup and delivery trips continue as is, I can’t see why either DH in an Uber, or better the ex herself doing either the drop off or the pickup can’t be considered at all.

The ex’s tinkerings with the status quo all along have been a matter between her and her ex-husband, but her actions have entirely depended on OP adapting, not her ex-husband. In practical terms, anyway.

Naturally partners should support each other as you say, and in a case where one partner has always been the essential component in facilitating arrangements which strictly concern the other partner and their ex-spouse, the ex-couple as a unit owe this partner a considerable amount of consideration. She’s had none at all, by the sound of it.

I’d hope any court ordered arrangement would chuck that debt back onto the ex’s to do list, as she’s been the cause of the increasing travel obligation, and mandate that she either deliver or pick up her boys every other weekend, given her ex-husband’s illness and her ever-increasing distance. (One lad every other week is lunacy; cruel, and mean-spirited)
To be cold about it, it’s in her own interest to do this driving, if only she’d stop and think about what she’s at.

How do you know she didn't move because of financial constraints?
She's raising her sons on her own 85% of the year.
That's the key piece of information.

The father in this scenario is very hands-off to say the least.

I'm sorry your experience was negative and costly but please don't think your experience is the norm.

I cant believe how much rotten advice there is on this thread. Some nasty posters as well as those who comment without reading the thread.
Going to court will not help! In our case we spent £22,000 (yes that's right) going through mediation which she would not attend, Caffcass interviews and several court hearings which she insisted were in a court local to her. We had to re mortgage and despite the Caffcass report being in dads favour and the judge ruling in his favour nothing improved. She feigned the child's illness when visits were due along with a whole raft of other reasons to get things her own way. So back to court and more costs where she was reprimanded and told she 'must' allow access but it made no difference. She even put the spin 'Im sorry but your dad is dragging you through the courts again' on it and that was used to alienate son.
Going to court is not a magic bullet, its stressful, costly and often achieves very little.

What is selfish is the ex wanting to split up the DC when they like to come together , giving less time to their DF and also moving 3 times further away and refusing to do any driving, that's bu.