I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

So it's better to see them for less time as their mothers is suggesting?

other things? How do you think people with kids live? It’s not an excuse to see them every other weekend. It’s sounds selfish … as long as it works for you you’ll be happy but anymore than the minimum every 2 weeks is too much for us to manage. Many parents work all week, long hours and have their kids all weekend. He had priorities and responsibilities for them all the time

Every other weekend isn’t a lot of time compared to kids who have their parents 100% or the time. The mother doing pretty much all of the hard work in the week whilst you get the fund weekends, get your weekends and a holiday with them.

The we love our child free time quote would send me mad as their mother. You married/ got with a man who had two kids and doesn’t drive and therefore knew the deal when you got with him. It’s typical of a man to need his child free weekends. When do mothers and fathers who stay in a relationship get that.? Always seems when couples split the man gets the better deal. Is there a reason the boys want seperate weekends? Really once you have kids you give up your kids free weekends. When they are young especially. Also as a child knowing my dad who seen me every 2 weeks needed his child free time even more than the whole week would make me feel less than valued

Ok. The daily mail wrote a teacher was fired today for saying happy Christmas or A Muslim complained because their employee said happy Christmas.

Both were most definitely reported over Christmas. Do you believe either story? I don’t.

I would most definitely argue both stories were questionable. Would you not?

Well if you read the OP’s most recent update it seems the ex has concerns about DH’s ability to look after the children and that was why she was proposing to change to alternate weekends one at a time. She’s even asked OP to make sure she’s there 24/7 throughout contact time in case anything happens. So there is clearly a major health condition to consider. OP has already said he has a significant and progressive condition, and if he works full time then he may need a child free weekend in order to recuperate before he has to do it all again. And if he’s ex moved a two hour round trip away, then the fact that he can’t do weeknights is on her.

Again you're not the authority on how to engage or what is pointless or not.

It's literally how many people conduct real life discussions when they are trying to give advice, not everyone just accepts what's presented full stop especially when they can easily see how there may be another perspective. There are also those who play devils advocate. All very normal and common basis for debates. Even in therapy people will often be asked questions about what they're saying so that the therapist can learn what they're leaving out, ignoring or completely misinterpreting.

We don't all have such a rigid view where we must take what people tell us as fact, and thank God for that, because I've often seen people present a situation in a certain way when they were being very misleading, and sometimes those who take the situation as fact give very dangerous advice.

I apologise if you felt I was dictating or trying to be an authority on how people should engage on a forum but without corroborating evidence there is only conjecture.

However, I am using my knowledge of human behaviour, specifically in the realm of separated parents, and common sense. You have a right to disagree.

I haven’t tried to shut you down. We can only take the information we have been given, we’re not in a position to call witnesses and establish facts.

Speculating about holes in the story and trying to fill them is not a reasonable basis for debate – it’s whatiffery and whataboutery.

If we don't take and respond to what an OP has given us there's no point engaging.

You can repeat all you want but you don't get to dictate what people can and can't go on, you're not the authority on how people must engage with forum posts.
In my view we can also go by what we know about human behaviour, and use some common sense.

The mother may have good reasons, although she doesn’t seem to have communicated any so far except today’s ‘concerns’ about her ex’s health issues. She doesn’t seem to have raised these ‘concerns’ previously and whether valid or not she doesn’t seem to have communicated why she has raised them now, nor why they would be lessened by seeing the boys one at a time.

Relations between the parents don’t seem to be at a stage where they can sort it out between them and by father ‘waiting a bit’ he could be deemed as not being bothered about seeing his children.

I repeat, we can only go by what OP has told us; anything else is conjecture.

Personally I always think it's important to read between the lines and not just take the OPs word for it if you see things that don't really add up, after all there are real people at the end of it and potentially real consequences for the other people involved and the kids.

You can have your own approach but some of the rest of us will take the other approach.

All parents are fucking tired, most work, lots disabled. I'm so bored of hearing about these EOW men who get patted on the back for doing the bare minimum 4 - 6 nights a month. Pathetic.

I quite agree, there is a lot they can do. They can fight tooth and nail and refuse to budge but who will suffer.
Its not about letting the ex win its about the kids and if you think starting a battle with someone who is clearly unreasonable such as this ex then there will be no real winners.
The OP and her husband are already disadvantaged being the non-resident parent and going to court wont change that.
If the ex is determined to make things unpleasant and awkward then she will do that whatever. Sometimes its necessary to be the bigger person for the kids sake even if it is bloody unfair.

There are holes in the story. My lovely mum will read the daily mail and tell me what’s happened. I always say, there’s more.

I shouldn’t be shut down because I think, no one moves 3 times unless there is a very good reason or they are unstable. In that case why is the op posting about them and not thinking how can my dh help his children? That’s me. Im good with it. You can just take it as it’s written. That’s you.

So she feels that having both sons from Friday pm till Monday am is too much for your husband due to his health condition?
Have you left him with both and something happened? Would the boys have gone home and said you were out and their dad wasn’t well?
Im not sure how having one at a time would ease this… surely the boys would be able to help each other rather than be alone should something happen to their dad?

All we can do is try to offer suggestion as to what OP and her husband might want to do.

And one approach to that is for them to consider that although they don't know the full reasons that there may in fact be good reasons, so not just to assume the worst and risk making it all worse.

Some people jump to going to court etc when they might be able to sort it out themselves by just waiting a little bit.

Also I automatically find it difficult to trust peoples perspective when they say an EOW dad is seeing them 'lots', and we see that a lot on here, EOW 'amazing dad, spends loads of time with them, lives for his kids etc etc'. Mother who has them almost all of the time does one thing they might find a bit out of order or irrational and then suddenly people are talking about court etc because they always assume the worst rather than thinking maybe she has valid reasons.

In OPs update, the mother mentions she is worried about a scenario where the OP isn't there and the DH is looking after them himself, perhaps she has very valid concerns there.

OP has told her side of the ‘story’, we have no other information to work with so we have to work with what she has told us. I prefer to live my life based on corroborated evidence but in the absence of that then I’ll work with what I have rather than making things up.

I grant, what OP has told us may be a string of lies but then so be it. However, making up ‘stories’ of our own certainly does not add to our understanding of the situation.

I won’t argue with you and I don’t feel ‘emotive’, but I do feel strongly about separated parents using children as weapons. It happens with fathers and mothers, resident and non-resident parents. I’ve seen it in action.

I have tried to give OP (and through her, her husband) some ideas of what they may want to do. If my time has been wasted, again, so be it.

He’s not stopping looking after either of his children. Have you read the OP’s most recent update. It seems that ex wants to change the arrangements to one child at a time because she has concerns about DH’s ability to look after them because of his condition. She’s even asked OP if she’s willing to be there 24/7 throughout the visits to make sure they are not left alone with him. So clearly there is a serious health concern. And to answer your question yes I would think it was OK to stop being the main carer for your child because of illness. Especially if that illness put your child at risk. I would expect any parent in this situation to put their child first and make sure there were arrangements in place to keep them safe and cared for.

my point is that a lot of parents (mainly mothers it seems) who have chronic health still parent everyday day.

i can’t drive. I have a chronic illness that is permanent. I would not let that be an excuse to only parent 20% of the time. What would you think if I as a mother tomorrow decided that because I was chronically ill I was gonna stop looking after my child ? Would you think that was ok? I don’t have 80% of the time to rest.

kids contact and ex having an affair are two different issues. You out those things aside to parent and put your kids first.

If this is your attitude why are you on MN ? For it to work we have to take any OP at face value. I think I’d rather live my life accepting that most people are truthful, rather than suspect that everything I’m told is a lie.

Interesting turn of events and still only a half weekend, albeit with both the children.

For what it’s worth, and there are some here who obviously think my opinion is worthless 😉 My suggestion would be to start the Court process a.s.a.p. and, if you can afford it, speak to a Family solicitor. They will be able to give you advice regarding what medical evidence your husband might want or need to produce to Court to reassure them of his capability, before she starts trying to use her ‘concerns’ to muddy the waters and lengthen the process by asking for reports.

Letters from your husband’s GP and, if he has one, consultant, specifically addressing his capability for looking after two boys of 8 and 10 would probably be useful and may spike her guns. She doesn’t seem to have had any concerns before so your solicitor might want to ask what has changed for her to have her ‘concerns’.

I presume the boys know that their Dad is poorly and what to do if he suddenly became incapacitated if they were alone with him ? If not, maybe time to introduce that. They are hardly tiny children and how often do we hear about 4 and 5 year olds knowing what to do if a parent is incapacitated ?

Best of luck. Do try to ignore the dross on here, some of us are trying to give informed support.

What? Is that how you live your life?

OP: The mum is awful. She keeps moving. She left dh because he is ill.

You: oh ok then!

Theres always something else there. I can’t argue with you because it seems you’re quite emotive to it. Let’s agree to disagree.

He is parenting despite health issues. OP says the condition is permanent and progressive, causing flare ups and fluctuations. My guess is MS. That being the case he will be exhausted a lot of the time. If he works full time during the week EOW is perfectly reasonable - he has one weekend in two child free where he can recuperate and do it all over again. The alternative is he burns out and has to stop working. Then he’ll be a shit father because he can’t financially support his kids. Which would you prefer ?

And what the ex did is absolutely relevant. She made a conscious decision to have an affair and leave when he got his diagnosis, then another conscious decision to move a long way away with their kids, despite knowing he’s ill and can’t drive. That’s on her. She can’t then moan when he can’t facilitate weekdays because there’s a two hour school run before anyone gets to work. She’s not proposing more contact time at the weekends, she’s proposing less, just spread out more to cause maximum inconvenience.

I just wanted to come and say that I am so sorry to hear this. As they say, the law is an ass.

When I wrote my response to the OP, having never been to court to save DSS from the stress himself, we wished we had.

Actually, for the good relationship we have with DSS maybe, despite the heartache at times, we played it right as it’ll all come good in the end and he now sees things for what they are. It’s really good to hear the other side and gain perspective, thank you 💐.