I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

God you really love to exaggerate timings don't you?
ONE hour away, not 2.
And for an hour of that he would have had the kids, and car trips with kids can be fun!

How is he leaving work at 1 to pick them up for 3 and then only getting home at 5, where's the 4 hours coming from? 😂

How many hours does it take them to eat in this scenario if they only have time for food before bed?

Anyway in this scenario OP never said that they saw them during the week, and also it really doesn't seem like they would have wanted them 50% of the them because they enjoy their 'balance', which is a very skewed balance when it comes to parenting.

Excellent post @T1Dmama

This isn’t the situation here though is it?!
In this case the mother left the dad, took their kids 2 hours drive away knowing full well that this would mean he couldn’t possibly see them in the week, he sees them every other weekend for as long as he can fitting round school pick ups and drop offs…. He can’t really do anymore than that because of what the mother has decided!
His illness isn’t even a factor here really… even if he could drive he wouldn’t be able to have the kids 50% of the time on account of their school being TWO hours away!! Or would you expect him to leave home at 6am every week day to drop his kids off for 8am… then not be able to start work till 10am…. Then have to leave work at 1pm to go and pick them up at 3?! Only getting home again at 5pm just in time to eat and go to bed……. That is not in the best Interest of anyone!

I meant she met a new man in every town she moved to not that she followed one man only. Unless she's a free spirit I don't know any other reason why she would keep on moving. She could have moved because the ops relationship made her feel uncomfortable. When you have children you have to put your feelings to one side and not use the children as weapons. They have a routine seeing their dad EOW it's wrong to change that. Maybe you're right the op and her husband might play a part in her how she behaves so they need to stop. Without knowing them all we can do is fantasise and guess.

She could be, but it's definitely not uncommon for the father and stepmother to be the unhinged ones or at least the unreasonable ones but to paint themselves as the ones who always behave reasonably.

It sounds like the OP has been with her partner for a few years so it would be unusual for her to suddenly starting to become difficult years down the line. A few have painted her as being unreasonable because she restricts holiday time etc, but I think agreeing to a 7 day holiday rather than a 10 day holiday is fine, the mother clearly isn't away from them for very long the rest of the time.

Yes OP said she left her husband for another man, it's unclear if there was physical cheating, she didn't say that she followed the man every time she moved though, just that she moved because she wanted to. Most likely she had other reasons other than just wanting to. Then there's people who think each move was designed to inconvenience the OP and her OH, like that would be a weird long game to play, I'm going to move 15 minutes further away and then another 15 and then another all as some master plan to inconvenience them.

She could be unhinged it's not uncommon for women or men to start behaving difficult because their ex has moved on. The damage people like this do to their children is shameful. I think you mentioned cheating maybe she did and that's why she moved around to be with a new man in every town she moved to. Who knows 🤷

I’m not influenced by the OP. I actually said ‘I'm not influenced by other poster's opinions’.

I am reacting to OP’s offered first-hand information; I’m not taking it as fact. If it’s a load of lies, so be it. There may be other scenarios but in the absence of any first-hand information about them I don’t see the point in speculation. None of us know the mother’s intentions.

OP didn’t ask us to speculate what the mother’s intentions were, she asked if she was being unreasonable to react in the way she has based on the information she has given us.

Taking her information as the only information we have. People have reacted to that. It’s not only I suggesting it’s time to go to Court.

This situation is just not that straightforward. The mother moved 3 times, each time further away making it impossible logistically for the father to have the children during the week. The mother lived an hour way and she won’t even meet halfway.. Also he isn’t allowed to drive making it even harder. If he was single how would he see his children without the OP doing the driving.

You’ve said yourself how you’re influenced. The ops word is gold and you won’t consider any other scenario. To me that’s boring and pointless when about 50 other posters have said the same.

I think we may be derailing the thread. So we’ll just have to move on.

I really do dislike the passive aggressive agreeing to disagree but I think we are on different wavelengths.

If you don't realise my disagreeing with you is me showing I'm not interested in an echo chamber then I'm not sure how to help you. I'm not influenced by other poster's opinions altogether I will consider them.

I think it can be harmful.

Sometimes as parents or stepparents it's better to just give things a little bit of breathing space and see if the matter can then be discussed rationally and get back on track that way rather than the nuclear option of going to court

I wouldn't consider it to be fantasising about the boys mothers position. No one is coming up with anything about the mothers feelings that's in any way out there. OP said the mother has been fine with the arrangement for years, but then she assumes the mother is just trying to disrupt them and inconvenience them, it would be very strange if out of nowhere the mother just decides she wants to inconvenience them. I also wouldn't consider this to be esoteric discussion, it's very in line with all the other AIBU discussions which generally do often consider what the other person/people involved might have felt or what their motives are.

I think you're really trying to overstate the direction the conversation has taken from those who don't take the OPs words as gospel.

Again. You tell yourself that. I personally don’t bother if the first 20 odd people say the same thing I’m thinking. If I have a different take then I comment.

Reading between the lines as far as I’m concerned is critical thinking. Thank fuck for us otherwise it would be a boring read. Pages of, yes op, you’re right op. Carry on with it though!

Yes we're different and you are incorrect thinking I like an echo chamber.
I think reading between the lines is close to making things up.
Takes all sorts but I'm comfortable with my thoughts and input.

Then We’re different. You like an echo chamber and I’ll probably read between the lines.

I don’t believe anything from the Daily Mail because I don’t read it. However, if someone comes here and starts a thread I accept what they post as being their point of view. I may, or may not, believe it but unless I accept it as being their view I don’t think there’s a point in me engaging with them.

If I thought they were lying on all counts I wouldn’t bother engaging.

this

the double standard in general is always huge in these situations. I had a period of time where I was completely unable to function for days on end then a day break. I am talking unable to talk and see out of right eye and move my arm with a whole host of other symptoms including severe fatigue. My partner had to talk some time off work to help care for me our joint dc and my dc from a previous relationship. Do you know what I was told. That I just had to find ways of dealing with it myself, I am a mother and I need to find coping mechanisms, I need to get on with it, I am an adult just deal with it. now I understand that the mother has worries with him being alone which may be justified but my issue was the double standard of he is tired and has a chronic illness so that gives him a free pass when in my experience that this would not be what people would be saying if other way around.

I haven’t taken what OP has said as fact but I also haven’t fantasised about the boys’ mothers’ position.There are far too many unknowns about her to even consider.

Maybe I’m coming from the wrong position here but I thought this thread was more about whether OP was being unreasonable, given her information and making suggestions to help her and her husband, as opposed to esoteric discussion.

I think there is a significant difference between ‘have you thought about doing this’ and ‘she might be doing this because’.

I’m saddened you think I have a rigid view; it’s not a view held by my colleagues. I am perfectly able to weigh up evidence when presented at first hand but in this case we have one first hand contributor and a lot of speculation from strangers.

Do you consider my, and other contributors’, advice to go to Family Court as dangerous ?

As many others have previously stated there's many mothers who have chronic illnesses/diseases and they have no choice but to have the kids all or most of the time and they certainly don't get time and space to allow them to recuperate so they can give their all on the few days they have them. Working full time with a progressive illness of course must be difficult but if it was the mother who was doing that and yet only able to take her kids EOW people would say she didn't have her priorities straight.

You keep saying 'effectively ending' midweek contact even though OP never said they ever had any.

Also there are of course plenty of mothers who would want some weekends with their kids, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't judge a parent for being content with only seeing them EOW.

Maybe your tiredness is affecting your comprehension skills, it has been explained many, many times that it is the Mother controlling contact and she will not allow more time despite the Dad asking on a regular basis.

It isn’t a huge reach if you consider all the relevant information. Ex ended the marriage because of his diagnosis. She then moved a two hour round trip away despite knowing he didn’t drive and had a progressive condition, and also effectively ending weekday contact because the school run would be ridiculous.

I wouldn’t want my children to have every weekend away from me and l think EOW from Friday to Monday including pick ups and drop offs to school monday morning seems reasonable. Now it seems the concern is a medical one, so it’s anyone’s guess as to whether this has influenced previous contact. Working full time with a progressive illness must be very difficult so it may well have been a trade off so that he can use the child free weekend to recuperate and be able to engage with his kids fully when he has them, and still be able to work to contribute to their support.

Tell her the children don't want separate visits and that if she wants to disrupt a settled, working arrangement which suits 4 of the 5 individuals involved, then it will have to go before a judge and she needs to see a solicitor. She may rethink when she has to put herself out to try and change things.

So it obviously worked for her for years also. She maybe one of those mothers to doesn't want to be away from their kids often. You see it on the 50/50 parenting threads where mothers say they wouldn't allow it as don't want to be away from their kids so iften

No, but the narrative that it's all the mothers fault that he only sees them so little in the first place is a huge reach, seeing as this arrangement has been in place for years and the OP has said how much it suits them.

I do wish people would read the updates.25 pages in and still posters are commenting without knowing the full details.

Here’s an idea. Read the thread, or at least the OP’s comments before posting.

The boys don’t want separate weekends, their mum does. It will result in less time spent with the children, not more. DH has a progressive and by all accounts serious health condition which prevents him from driving, despite which his ex moved a two hour round trip away, thus preventing weekday contact except for school holidays, which she limits. OP has updated to say that ex wants weekend arrangements changed because she has concerns about DHs ability to look after both children together because of his condition, and wants OP there 24/7 throughout contact time. There now you’re all caught up.