I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

The childcare related help benefits both parents, allowing them to work and reduces the childcare bills. It isn’t just benefitting the mum is it? Bit misogynistic to suggest it is.

Tax free childcare and some free childcare hours are available to a lot of families not just those on benefits or single parents. My friend and her husband earn about 80k between them and use tax free childcare.

My children are school age, I own my house with a mortgage, HTH 👍

Your DH should write to the mum saying that the current set up has worked for X years, you enjoy spending quality time with both boys at the same time, and the boys get on well together so it wouldn't be in their best interest to spend time apart each week, and therefore you would like to continue the current arrangement which works well.

I would then say that you you feel saddened that she is threatening you with no contact if you don't agree to what she want as that also wouldn't be in the best interest of the kids.

I would then say that as the happiness and stability of the boys needs to come first, that you will be carrying on with the samw arrangement.

Send with proof of postage and keep a copy.

If she cuts contact then I would consider taking it to court and going for full custody!

Moving an hour away when she knows your DH doesnt drive due to medical reasons was mean!

It should be about what the children would prefer and it sounds as though they are happy with the existing arrangement. Your OH should (and I’m sure already has, pointed this out to her).

Bloody hell. He sees his kids 4 full days a month and that's only because you pick them up and drop them off!

Fuck that

Any parent who threatens to withhold contact unless they get their way is a poor parent. Court order if you have to buy don't do as she requests on this. I'd like to hope a court order would include the fact that she must do the driving back and fore to facilitate contact but don't know if that's enforceable.

They’re away from their dad for ten days a fortnight…

😂😂😂

It becomes the dad’s issue if she refuses to drive though.

He needs a court order to stop her pissing around like this. They’re both lucky to have OP.

My exh has our kids EOW and I wouldn’t agree to him taking them away for 10 days either. It’s too long. Likewise I wouldn’t take them away for 10 days.

Oh ffs.

I think you need to get the whole thing legally organised if possible, then everyone knows where they are.

Is she allowed to move away? (Genuine question)

Is it possible and if so how long for your DH to do the journey via public transport?

And the mother sees them when?

I find it so sad when people use their children as weapons to spite one another. In this case I think it’s time to take the matter to court and get a formal arrangement.

Plus child benefit and the extra rooms allowance to housing benefits if you’re in social housing or private rent? Plus the free childcare hours if under school age, plus tax free childcare, free school meals from next year… All things the non-resident parent doesn’t get.

It is the mum's issue unfortunately, in that her co-parent can't drive and she moved an hour away.

yabvu

She’s dealing with both children on her own

exdh pays her only £58 per week per child, from that she’s paying for everything? Or is exdh paying for trips and clubs and clothes and shoes and swimming lessons and so on?

Presumably she moved away to follow work and a cheaper lifestyle? And you judge her for feeling lonely, whilst your adamant you’re going to defend your lifestyle?

were you the OW?

What makes you say that? i’m a single mum with 2 kids the same age and my UC top is £170 a month. Hardly “handsomely supported”.

£500 is a decent amount of maintenance but EOW is still pitiful tbh.

Does mum drive? If she is the one who has moved away several times and Dad can't drive for medical reasons it seems unreasonable of her to not do any of the travel. And yes he should be having them more but I'm guessing that's not really workable due to her moving them so far away!

I don't think it's at all reasonable her suggestion. No reason they have to be separated every single weekend.

I'd offer some other options eg in the school holidays some set days where they have a day each 1:1. Me and my ex sometimes do this. Eg in the 6 weeks holidays we will book in 4 dates where we each give each child two special one to one days with each of us.

1:1 time is nice but I don't think it means you have to completely rearrange the weekends if the kids are happy with them?

Also will her timings of these new suggested weekends mean much less overnights at dads meaning more maintenance?

I can't quite figure out WHY she's proposed this tbh. It doesn't really make any sense. Plus it's not nice to just completely halt the contact when dad has said no to the new suggestion.

No that's not fair. The mum needs the quality non-stressy weekend time with the kids too.

OP's DH should have the kids during the week for a fair share of the school holidays though. Obviously some of which they will have to be in holiday clubs assuming he has 5.6 weeks of annual leave but half the school holidays would be 7 weeks.

Bet the mum is handsomely supported with benefits…

Seems odd to split them up ? Does she have valid reasons for this? I wouldn’t imagine it would be in their best interests & I doubt court would agree to it unless substantial reasons. EOW is standard set up especially as she’s moved and school is an hour away. Maybe offer time in the holidays to have them separately?

Yanbu and it's not in the children's best interests to never see each other at the weekends. Get a court order to affirm the existing EOW pattern.