I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

Go to court. Buy your husband driving lessons.

I would get a court order and then stuff like this isn’t unilaterally decided by her. You would probably get more time for holdiays (the order I have with my ex states half the holdiays each…). It sounds like she is being awkward and this alternate weekend suggestion is nuts. I can’t imagine the kids would like that at all 😕

@VacayDreamerand @cadburyeggso obvious that you both have an issue with stepmothers and separated fathers.
The father can’t drive for medical reasons and the mother keeps moving further and further away and won’t do any driving. We don’t know if the journey can be done by public transport. The mother should meet the OP and her husband at a half way point
As always there’s 2 sides but you both seem so blinkered and biased.
The mistake the father made was not to get a court order at the time of separation to agree contact and to prevent the mother from moving too far away. That needs to be resolved quickly for the children’s best interests.

Where does OP say this ?

Maybe that’s all the mother allows him to have them. She moved an hour away making seeing them during the week pretty impossible, that’s hardly his fault.

And the whole post is about objecting to the mum reducing contact. Splitting up the sons and limiting the hours.

you are defending the indefensible.

‘Childfree time’ isn’t a thing when you become a parent, OP - and you shouldn’t have married somebody who already had children unless you were prepared for the possibility that at some point they would live with you full time, let alone two days per week.

Doing all the driving is a different matter, and shouldn’t be your responsibility.

Ex sounds difficult and controlling. Why didnt your dp get an order to stop her moving especially when he doesnt drive and it would limit his time with his kids?
You both appear to be laid back in the situation in case it interferes with your child free time. Unfortunately that isnt a luxury when you date someone with kids what happens next month if something happened to their mum and she was incapable of looking after them and they had to come and live with you?

go to court she moved away so she should have been faclitating the drop offs or at least shared its not on you to do it all

a court wouldnt approve splitting them i wouldnt think

Plus we love our childfree time too.

Im thinking if a man has two kids he does not get child free time on demand . His job is to parent.

No, most parents don't have a child free weekend. I don't know any parents who have childfree weekends.

And if he can’t drive for a reason ? Medical, disability ?

@ImthedriverSo bottom line is that ex has called the shots on contact long term. The current term time arrangement in the circumstances seems reasonable given her choices and distance. Holidays less so. Court would expect the transport to be shared between parties and would also be asking the dc what they would prefer.
Her proposed arrangement increases full days to 8 per month total but only 4 nights v current arrangement of 4 full days and 6 nights. Is she thinking about going to CMS maybe? Which calculates on nights.
Definitely not down to you to provide more transport than you do now. You could suggest just one child come on the first of the two weekends and both on the second, alternate months per child? And maybe increase in school holidays with a mix of one and both?
No ideal solutions but you stand firm on the driving.

It’s not defending mums at all cost at all. Nobody is claiming the mum is going about things in the right way.
It’s about refusing to accept that men like the OP’s DP are dads of the year when all he is doing is the bare minimum. What kind of dad is happy seeing his kids so little? Certainly not a good one

Also… I drive 1 hour and 20 mins to work every morning. an hour really isn’t that much if it’s to see your kids.

I know it’s not your fault OP btw, but your H seems like a bare minimum dad

I hope you mean OP’s dh is a crap dad, as that’s what I get from the post.

A lot of parents work hard and have their children 100% of the time. I have to agree with others that 6 nights a month isn’t really great. And a summer holiday yes it’s nice but is EOW really enough? Doesn’t your DH want to see them more?

Not sure I agree about splitting the kids though.

I disagree that this is a terrible idea, why wouldn’t your DH want to spend one on one time with his children? I’d maybe suggest a combination of time together at yours, time together at hers, and one each on a four weekly basis.

The only issue is that you’re doing the driving but this arrangement gives you more time to recover and if DH doesn’t drive it sounds like you’re doing that anyway

You definitely shouldn’t give up the current weekend set up but maybe give her the option of you having one on their own during some of her weekends so you get the one on one time.

you should push for more holiday time though , you should be able to do a 10 day holiday

Lids, deserve one on one time with their dad, it's not their fault, their dad has tons of kids to different people

Terrible advice. She’s disrupted the arrangement everyone was happy with, so get it to court as soon as you’re able before it’s been weeks (months) of him not seeing them at all, thus meaning the previous arrangements are no longer the status quo, and therefore harder to argue for at court.

He has to try mediation first anyway so I’d make a referral immediately and get his application off as soon as the mediator has signed it (if you don’t agree something in meantime).

Wow, some posters clearly will defend a mum at all costs.

meanwhile in the real world, op please seek mediation with a view on going to court. I’d send the letter a pp suggested up thread.

you could also use the contact order to get things like Christmas birthdays and holidays set in stone.

Hold tight. At 8 and 10 they’ll soon be begging to go and see their dad and she’ll have to give in.

In the meantime get a solicitor to write a letter to her, make moves to start mediation and keep communication with her civil and mature so you have proof of dh’s good intentions to carry on seeing them as normal.

Yup my kids dad is eow and I have 2 one with ASD and one NT. It's exhausting and I still have to do either pick up or drop off - but it changes weekly based on their schedule 🫠 Very tiring

Definitely go to court.

Because she is totally unreasonable pulling contact, trying to dictate split contact, refusing reasonable time for holidays, moving miles away.

None of that is putting the children first. And she has another 10 years to keep this up. Hope a judge stops her nonsense.