I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

So his ex can move again? He has a chronic illness so as well as the other practicalities there's a good chance he might be under a particular consultant so he would risk having to start again elsewhere.

Op has dh considered moving closer to his children?

How would that work when the OP and her DH live so far from the children’s school?

So you’d be happy to never have your kids on a weekend so that the other parent could see them more? Not all parents are able to - or want - to have time through the week and, in the majority of cases, it’s the mother/primary carer who has adjusted their working life around being able to care for the children, has always done so and is the one able to continue doing so in the event of separation. It also provides stability for the children at a time of upheaval.

Could an alternative be suggested that the arrangement stays the same but every 3 mths ir 6mths this runs for 2 wks? I think it's strange but I suppose if she has them the majority of the time in can sort of see the rational. With no contact, no one is happy are they?

But the ex isn’t offering more, or agreeing to more when they ask for extra days in the holidays. She limits it to a week, when Dad wants more etc . She’s actually tried to keep the same..as in each child EOW but only one at a time, because she says she thinks he can’t cope with both. So it’s not about patting him on the back..it’s about getting the ex to stick to at least the original agreement.

@DotAndCarryOne2
I think you'd be right up there on the podium 😂

Anyway maybe the ex can move back and live right around the corner and then the dad can have them 50/50 even though that would upset the balance.

I'm unfollowing this thread now so I'll leave you to your gold.

No, the OP isn't trying to make out EOW is the exes fault, but you are, repeatedly, over and over again, blaming her for something that isn't her fault and that the OP doesn't blame her for either, for no other reason than to add weight to your argument just because some people don't agree with you.

Not once have l said EOW is ex’s fault, never mind repeatedly. It was a mutual agreement that clearly suited both parties. What l have said is unreasonable, and entirely on the ex, is moving their children a two hour round trip away from their absent parent, and then refusing to share the driving. It also prevents OP and her DH seeing the children during the week - yes, they may not want that now for reasons already stated, but it’s taken it off the table permanently because of an unmanageable school run the ex created.

My point is, and always has been that it’s unreasonable to propose one child at a time every other weekend. It’s less time than they have now, and would mean DH never sees his kids together. The issue of mid week contact arose because posters were saying that EOW, and even every weekend wasn’t enough, and my question was how are they supposed to facilitate that when the school run is four hours a day, ex refuses to share the driving, and only OP drives. That situation was created by the ex and several posters agreeing that no reasonable resident parent would move so far away from the absent parent because apart from anything else, it’s not in the best interests of the children.

And OP didn’t need to use the word ‘cheating’. What she was saying was perfectly clear to everyone else on the thread. As in His ex left him for someone else. He received diagnosis and she was very unhappy , she began a relationship with a colleague.. And No she left dh for someone she worked with. Pretty clear to me that she cheated. If hair splitting was an Olympic event you’d be the gold medalist !!

I don't know all the reasons behind it but she changed her mind on the second day and let them go and anyway the OP said they're now going to court.

They're at school most of the time. I hardly see my 10 year old he's up in his room. The current arrangement makes more sense than the first weekend they have only 1 child for 24 hrs and then the other child the weekend after for 24 hrs. It's not practical for the op to be driving up and down and his ex has not said she can't cope with them both together. She is trying to be difficult for some reason. The op has said they get on well together so why split them apart?

She didn't use the word cheating so I wasn't sure. As I said some people don't see emotional cheating as cheating, and some make assumptions that someone has left for someone else if the relationship starts soon after. Yes it could be clearer, if she had said the word cheating, and if she had said that I wouldn't have said it wasn't clear. Hope that clears that up (again!!)

No, the OP isn't trying to make out EOW is the exes fault, but you are, repeatedly, over and over again, blaming her for something that isn't her fault and that the OP doesn't blame her for either, for no other reason than to add weight to your argument just because some people don't agree with you.

I have chronic illnesses myself so completely understand the importance of rest and recuperation, I don't get any though 😅 neither do tons of parents who have chronic illnesses, as I said earlier if it was a mother and she was able to work full time and then needed rest and recuperation and could only see her kids EOW then people would say she didn't have her priorities straight.

They don't want them 50/50 though. They are happy with the arrangement so stop trying to make out otherwise.

Many of us have an issue with parents being ok with having their kids being EOW, especially whey they consider that to be 'lots of time', as the OP does. And this scenario is one where they are happy with it and it suits them and they think it's lots of time. The OP said so herself.

So whether the ex made it harder by moving away is besides the point seeing as they didn't want 50/50 and don't want 50/50. If he had them them 50/50 before or had been more involved he had options where he could have blocked the move, but he wasn't and didn't want them more than EOW so he didn't.

I don’t think I’ve seen such ridiculous hair splitting in a long time. OP clearly says ex left DH for a co-worker after DH received his diagnosis and then ended the marriage. She’s clarified it at least twice. I don’t think you can get much clearer than that. Whether the relationship was emotional or physical it’s still cheating - why are you defending the indefensible ? If a man posted that he’d treated a sick wife like that he’d be torn to shreds.

And OP isn’t trying to make out EOW is ex’s fault. She’s saying that every weekend one child at a time is unreasonable. If DH is significantly unwell then maybe EOW gives them the balance they need to allow him time to recuperate in between visits. She said in an update they work longer hours in the week so they don’t have to work weekends but that on the child free weekends they have to do other things - that could potentially be DH resting or receiving treatment. A significant degenerative health condition necessitates rearranging your life to accommodate it, and DH already had the condition when they came to this arrangement so it could well be a factor. Not sure why it’s so difficult to understand.

It wouldn’t make any difference if they did want them 50/50 because the ex has made it impossible to accommodate the school run. And as l said before, there is clearly a significant health problem here, and that may be influencing the EOW arrangement. If DH works full time and supports his kids he may not have enough physical resources to have them every weekend. If he gave up his job and could no longer support them posters would have something to say about that too. He can’t win.

You're completely ignoring the rest of what the OP says about how EOW suits them, it's clear that this is the arrangement they want, she said they enjoyed the balance, and trying to make out that it's the mothers fault that the dad can only have EOW, even though that's all he want.

The reason why I said it isn't clear if he cheated is because some people don't think it's cheating when people leave for someone else if they haven't done anything physically. I don't know if he considers it cheating or not. Also sometimes people leave people and then start a new relationship quickly and then the assumption is they left for that person when they didn't, so as she didn't use the word 'cheat' it wasn't clear.

The other way around more like,

The only thing the ex has created in this scenario is that she said she wanted to change having both boys EOW to just having one boy for a day. And she backtracked even though she originally didn't let them take the boys and now they seem to be negotiating or it will end up in court.

She did NOT create a situation where the dad couldn't have them EOW, and the OP has clearly said that the EOW routine works perfectly for them because they enjoy the balance. They have never wanted 50/50 or anything close to it so making out it's the mums fault that they can't have it is completely disingenuous when the dad is perfectly happy not having it or anything close to it.

The op knows what her next steps should be there is nothing more to add. Unless you want a broken record of go to court, go to court and go to court. I didn't say I disbelieved the op. The thread has run it's course and I was having a little bit of fun. Unless the op has something new to add I don't wish to continue with the broken record.

@ImthedriverSo further to my other post, just a couple of thoughts.
If you go to court, don't waste money on mediation or solicitors. Mediation is expensive and pointless where one party is entrenched and I'm sure ex won't agree to pay her half anywsy. Gather all possible evidence including medical and instruct a direct access family law barrister for the hearing (s) - usually at least 2. Fixed fee rather than open ended hourly Solicitor rates. Seek recommendations for the court area (which will be where the children are resident).
Cafcass will look into all claims regarding health, safety etc, speak to the children and make an assessment of the current arrangements. The court will have no interest in 'fault' around the prior parental actions.
You are likely to get an order for EOW and half the holidays and shared transport. The issue will be compliance and I'm guessing ex will still seek to control. Enforcement involves going back to court but that doesn’t usually produce much outcome in practice since she will always make plausible excuses.
So it's all super stressful, costly and frustrating with no guarantees.
Resolving the informal arrangement if at all possible would be the better option. Good luck with it all
.

It was the wording of the orginal op posts. He is tired, we need our alone time, he has a chronic illness that influenced the comments.

Did something happen recently when the children were with you? Was your DP particularly unwell? It sounds to me like she may think it is too much for him to have both children at once. She is clearly worried about his illness, perhaps she thought that this would be better for him and for the children too. I think you all just need to sit down and have a conversation.

Or we could advise OP sticking to the facts and actually answer the question she has asked, instead of providing an unasked-for critique of their current contact arrangement, largely ignoring all the relevant factors and coloured by posters own experiences which are totally irrelevant to OP. But that doesn’t stop these clearly bitter people from twisting their own experience with the sole intention of painting DH as just another deadbeat dad, when that’s clearly not the case.

More and more on MN I’m seeing a trend towards disbelieving everything an OP says, and posters ignoring facts in favour of making things up as they go along. And MN may as well just delete the ‘see all’ feature for updates, because, as evidenced by the number of times OP had to explain why her DH doesn’t drive, nobody reads them. So threads get filled up with irrelevant and inane comments because posters can’t be bothered to update themselves before posting.

Your own post is a perfect example. OP said very early on that ex’s moves away weren’t based on need. She also said that ex was the one who had an affair and left the marriage after DH received his diagnosis, so why would the relationship with OP make her feel uncomfortable when she had clearly moved on herself ? The poster you were replying to also said it was unclear whether ex had cheated on the marriage, when the fact that she started a relationship with a co-worker and subsequently left the marriage leaves no room for doubt. Fantasy and guesswork derails threads, and it’s tiresome.

I think it’s odd she’s asking that the children be separated when it sounds as though they’d be far more comfortable and happy coming together…

I think I’d be happy to facilitate every weekend but it should be both of them and I’d also be requesting she drives one way and you drive the other.

Except that the school is one hour away, not two. It’s a two hour round trip, not two hours one way.

The poster got the timings wrong l agree, but it’s still a two hour drive - one hour each way, twice a day. That’s four hours driving each day just for the school run, and OP would have to leave work each day at 2pm to pick them up at 3pm. DH is also unwell enough that his ex is concerned about his ability to care for the kids, so clearly his illness is significant enough to rule out him taking hem on public transport. The lengths posters are going to to blame OP and her DH for a situation the ex has created is batshit.