I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

I know they’re both at that age where girls get a little harder to parent, are boys the same? Maybe she feels she can manage easier with just one.

Have you considered suggesting a compromise of keep your weekends as they are, but then once a month you take each child for 24 hours as she suggested in addition on her weekends? To make it work with the distance, she’ll have to meet you halfway or do one end of the run.

As part of a big family growing up, I did miss 1-2-1 time, however this can’t be at the sacrifice of family time. I’d always imagined have solo trips out with each of my imaginary children once a month pre kids to correct this. As it happens, I had one and she gets plenty 1-2-1 time

You look worse as the posts go on. How ridiculous to say a parent who only actually parents every other weekend needs a rest! Would you say the same if the mother was the one with health problems? Your expectations of fathers is on the floor.

I lose my vision. I lose the function of my arm, I can lose my speech.this can happen at anytime on average 25 times a month. I have severe exhaustion. I have recurrent infections that land me in hospital. I have a bleeding disorder I parent every single day some days with the help of my current oh. We make it work. What I am saying is when you are a parent you make it work regardless I would never ever use the excuse of my illnesses as a reason to only see my kids a few times a month.

dont call me stupid when you have not a clue how challenging and quite frankly debilitating my illnesses are. I’m still a present mum though.

Well if you are with the kids father then you can take turns going stuff while the other one looks after the kids. If you are not then hopefully the other parent has them done of the tune

I take it she isn’t with the man she left him for? Otherwise she might want time on her own.

This all seems like a power play. Clearly if she was concerned about the amount of time they spent with him she would ask for more holiday time or maybe another weekend.
If she thinks they need 1:1 time then the holidays would be perfect for facilitating that. She also wouldn’t have moved further and further away.
I think it’s sad when parents don’t prioritise living nearer to each other as when children become teenagers then it gives them freedom to visit themselves. If she hadn’t moved further away then a night during the week would have been much better.

Mediation and then court is way to go here.

Yes in an ideal world they’d all live nearby. But she may have moved to be closer to family support (given he only has his children 4 days a month), to be in a cheaper area (as she’ll be spending a lot more than £500 pm on the kids), for work - any number of reasons. It sounds like he’s always seen them this little from the start of the split so why shouldn’t she move if it might offer her and the kids a better life 26 days of the month.

I don’t think the suggestion of one child every weekend is a good one and can’t think why the mum has suggested this. But there are two sides to every story. The fact that OP seems to see her partner with rose tinted glasses makes me question if there is anymore to it. He’s not a hero for seeing his kids 4 days a month because he’s tired. I think that comment has rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. He just seems quite passive to have settled on this arrangement in the first place. And the original mention of ‘we work hard, we like our weekends’ then shifting more towards it not being fair on the boys to be separated just doesn’t seem very genuine to me.

For the record I voted yanbu because it’s a crap arrangement and I don’t think it’s fair to throw around ‘no contact’ but the current one isn’t great either even if it suits op and her husbands (practically) childfree lifestyle.

If - and only if - the answer to this is because she's in the circus I will retract all my other statements on her being a selfish and entitled parent and will be entirely on her side. Finding out she's a trapeze artist or some such would be the twist this thread needs.

but it’s not that difficult to have contact in the school holidays, they have 11 weeks of school holidays.
im just stating that the father is doing the minimum amount of parenting. The op thinks they are doing a lot, they’re not, this is why the mother thinks she can call the shots because she’s doing the majority of parenting.
I don’t agree at all with splitting the children. I do think the father should see them every weekend, they’re his children. The op is saying she wants to keep her child free weekend with her husband.

Why does she keep moving?

The OP answered that. She moved away for the bloke she left her husband for

You're projecting.

Would the mum move back closer ?

so thy could stay 1-2 week day nights

Don't be stupid. Not every illness is the same.

DP never has his son on his own. Never. Partly because he has a tendency to have massive seizures very frequently and we don't like him having them on his own with his son. We, his Ex and the consultant all view it as a safeguarding risk. Also DSS is too terrified of it happening again to he on his own with him, even if anyone else was happy with it.

But partly because being tired is what brings on the seizures and children are tiring.

Just because your ill health doesn't prevent you safely looking after children doesn't mean that it can't happen at all. Horrible statement.

Why does your husband only see his kids every other weekend?!

Medical reasons is bullshit.

I feel for your situation it seems like you had a setup that suited all parties & I hope you get resolved.

However just to clarify, 6 nights a month and holiday in the summer is not “…spending a lot of time” with children.

So when would their mother get to spend any time with them then?

Didn't you read that it was the mum who moved away?

I'm not sure if dh has a contentious relationship with his ex but has he thought about asking her why she's wanting to change things around? it sounds like she didn't have any problem with the previous arrangement, has something happened with the kids? that she's wanting to change things

You aren’t wrong op. Not one bit.

No of course your DH's exW doesn't get to dictate the child access arrangements unilaterally, nor should she play the very silly trump card of "no access" unless you and your DH fall into line with her dictating her terms. Quite apart from anything else, you and your DH mustn't let the DSSs see you being bossed around and blackmailed by their mother.

That’s why sensible parents don’t move too far to make week days impossible due to the school location. When my son in law and his first wife split, they both stayed in the area where their children went to school. It wasn’t exactly an amicable split, but they put the children’s needs first. He, as the bigger earner, also made sure they were well supported financially, regardless of how much time they spent with him. When DD first met him, his DC moved comfortably between both homes. They are adults now, and have good relationships with both parents.

The mother in this case has moved, the children’s school is an hour away, not exactly feasible for the father, who can’t drive, to do pick ups or drop off during the week. OP has facilitated her SC seeing their dad as the mum won’t bring them to dad’s house. I find it hard to understand some of the criticisms levelled at OP and her DH, hopefully mediation or the courts will put the onus on mum to be more reasonable.

Feel sorry for the two boys that they'll never have a weekend together! Mum is being selfish, she doesn't want t have that empty house while they're with you, maybe hoped you'd say no to pull this stunt. So sorry, it isn't child focused, not unreasonable to say no at all.

RTFT!!!