I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

Agree

This. OP and her DH will be the bad guys no matter what they do.

Here we have a situation where a step parent is looking for a fair and equitable resolution to maintain contact with her partners’ children, while indicating that an ex who callously ended her marriage because her husband became ill, is clearly putting her own wants and needs above that of her children and deliberately making things as difficult as possible for her ex. It’s almost as though he’s being punished - as if having an affair and leaving him because of his diagnosis wasn’t enough !! And still he’s the bad guy. Batshit.

Plus kids probably wouldn’t be able to see school friends etc.

every weekend at dads is likely not in the best interest of the children.

I think you aim for keeping the current setup but add in a weekend per month where you take one child (switch each month) on their own for the proposed time but she does the driving/ you meet half way.

It’s not about the maths, it’s about division of costs. The £10 a day you quoted is for day to day stuff - 50% split. Of course that doesn’t include all the other costs like housing etc, but my point is that DH is paying £500 per month and also has contact EOW, and looking to increase that. We have no idea what other costs he and OP cover because she hasn’t specified.

Clearly the answer is that OP and DH move closer, take 50/50 and pay no maintenance. Everyone’s happy!
Except they wont be. Ex clearly doesn’t want to give up any more time with them, she wants to reduce it down. As they get older that pattern will get harder to manage.
DH will be the bad guy no matter what he does on this thread.

I wonder if DC are coming home and saying what a good time they’ve had and ex is trying to spoil that, splitting them up, reducing the time.
I know people who loathe their ex’s even though they were the ones who left.

Your children cost £500 a month? Well, that's good, as that's what the father is paying in this scenario. At what point do you think the mum should pay any money towards her children?

Exactly. Who wants their kids to spend every week Friday night to Monday morning else where and just be left with 4 nights a week? Given they're in school, she'd see them for about 16 waking hours. Dad would get more like 28. How is that good?

What maths are you doing? 50% is £5 but that wouldn’t feed a hamster 😆 my dc cost far more than £250 a month each - more like £500 or more. You know people wonder if they can afford a dc? It’s not because it will cost £500 a month and that seems a hard target 😆

I'd push for court ASAP, and a record of polite texts asking to renew contact, asking why she wbats to change it and if there's a different way to support her. Keep a log of attempted calls by Dad to talk to kids etc.

Her new set up seems only designed to punish Dad bad the kids. I doesn't seem to benefit anyone.

Is she still with the guy she cheated with? Do they have kids? Wondering if there's some pressure that end?

Would you be amenable to something like the following:

Weekend One - both DC Friday to Monday

Weekend Two - DC1 Saturday to Sunday (ex does driving)

Weekend Three - both DC Friday to Monday

Weekend Four - both DC with ex

Weekend Five - both DC Friday to Monday

Weeknd Six - DC2 Saturday to Sunday (ex does driving)

Weekend Seven - both DC Friday to Monday

Weeknd Eight - both DC with ex

This seems a good compromise?

And 50% of that is £5 a day.

@DotAndCarryOne2 There's assumptions all over your posts.

I’m not making any assumptions - safe or otherwise - in the absence of fact. And if she wanted dad to do some of the more tedious times and be more involved, then she should have thought twice before moving a two hour round trip away.

According to OP we’re talking about a woman who effectively broke up her marriage in the most callous way possible because she didn’t want a partner with a significant health diagnosis. The move away was also a want, not a need. So she does what suits her - which is evident in putting her own needs and wants ahead of her kids’ best interests. Which would have been to be a bit more considerate of her ex’s difficulties and try to facilitate easier contact. Instead of which she seems to go out of her way to do the exact opposite.

The contact time of EOW has suited them all for years, OP has said they enjoy the balance, so the OP hasn't been dictating there, it suits them to only have the kids EOW. The mother didn't do any of the driving but that's fair enough when she has the kids the rest of the time and no doubt drives them everywhere else they need to go.

I already answered about holiday time but as I said she's only away from them for 4 days out of the month so I can see why she wouldn't want them to go away on 10 day holidays.

As stated already also it doesn't sound like there was ever mid-week contact so the mother can't be blamed on that.

The only issue I potentially see is this new proposal, but hopefully they can sort it out.

Finally, a bit of common sense and objective advice.

OP said they've had this arrangement for years and never said that they used to take them mid-week, so the assumptions I'm making are safer assumptions than the one you're making, because it reads like the arrangement has always been EOW no matter where she lived.

Difficult about timings in the OPs eyes, for all you know the mother has valid reasons, and if she's only away from them for a couple of days at a time then a weeks holiday was probably already a long time away from them so I can see why she refused 10 days and only agreed to a week, likewise at Christmas, if she has the kids for all the hard and tedious days I can see why she would feel she should get to enjoy the fun days of Christmas and New year with them. If the dad did a more fair share during the tedious times during the rest of the year then maybe she'd split holidays more evenly.

I don't necessarily agree with splitting the kids up but perhaps she has reasons for this, a friend of mine has recently went through a separation and sometimes she will keep one of her kids when the others go to their dads, it suits him because he doesn't like taking them all and she likes it because she can do one on one stuff with them, which sometimes they need.

I don’t see him using it as an excuse at all. If he were, then he and OP wouldn’t be seeking more time with them, not less, as his ex is proposing.

So basically what you’re saying is that men should be held responsible for the choices women make ? Ex dictates contact time, is difficult about timings, restricts holiday time, has moved a two hour round trip away, effectively making it impossible for mid week contact because of unreasonable school runs which OP would have to facilitate because he doesn’t drive.

On top of that ex is now proposing separate contact time for both kids which will effectively reduce the time each one spends with their dad, but will tie up every weekend. And you think DH is the bad parent ?

No I am aware of that, that doesn't mean I don't judge men harshly who are content with only seeing their kids EOW.

And if they do only want to do the bare minimum fair enough but they (and their partners) shouldn't make out they spend 'lots of time' with them when it's objectively not true.

She moved three times, each time further away, despite knowing DH can’t drive, and she is actually now proposing to reduce contact time over the month, from four full days and six nights, to two full days and nights for each child, and to separate them at contact times. She restricts holiday time spent with the kids and is difficult about timings. Good parents don’t do that, just as good people don’t up and have an affair and leave their partner when they have received a significant health diagnosis.

OP and her DH aren’t the bad guys here, they’re trying to facilitate more time with the children, not less, and the only person being difficult about it is the ex. She chose to move a two hour round trip away, effectively stopping any mid week contact by making the school run too difficult for a non driver and putting the onus on OP. All feels very deliberate.

And OP hasn’t specified what the arrangement was when ex lived nearer, or whether she moved straight after the split, so that’s an assumption on your part.

The thing is. Some people literally have no choice. I can’t just wake up and decide that I no longer want to be a parent. Some days I physically cannot and have to have other people help but when op has said dh is tired and has chronic issues I can relate, it is awful but it should not be used as a reason to see your kids 20% of the time. also mothers with chronic issues are very much expected to just deal with it a lot more then fathers which I see a lot.

Yes I am also a tax payer, thanks. I have always worked and have progressed in my career since my children were born. I have a good job now which fits in with the children. I will continue to climb the ladder when the time is right. My exh claims more benefits than I do. HTH

The first step is to initiate mediation as that needs to be done prior to court, if they refuse then you can then file for court. EOW has been set as a precedent so any change would need to be justified, you can also then request fixed chunks of time during school holidays, 1/2 Easter, 1/2 summer - with a 2 week block etc. You can also block any further moves and request that she does part of the driving to facilitate contact.
Having recently been through this it’s a pain to have to do it but much better in the long term as you then end up with a fixed pattern that can’t be changed on the whim of one person.

What does your DP think or want? What will he actually do about this? It's not about you. It's about the DC and their dad.

Huh? My dc cost more than £10 a day for food and clubs, clothing, hair cuts, school trips