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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

687 replies

ImthedriverSo · 30/01/2026 17:15

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

OP posts:
somanychristmaslights · 31/01/2026 17:56

A few things here.
if he was still with ex or you had kids together, they’d be there every weekend. You’re with someone with kids, YABU to miss your child free weekends. We’d all love that sometimes!! What if she died/ was ill, he’d have to step up as a father.
but I agree you shouldn’t facilitate it. He needs to go to court if he wants access.

wasdarknowblond · 31/01/2026 17:55

The ex is being a total bitch; particularly as she’s moved further and further away. She can’t stop contact - your husband has a right to see his kids. It probably does mean going to Court though. Good luck with it.

Minortour · 31/01/2026 17:49

TeenLifeMum · 31/01/2026 17:42

no, they cost significantly more!

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You said "my dc cost far more than £250 a month each - more like £500 or more". So you can see where I got that figure from.

The mum should be paying the other £500 so that's £1000 for 2 kids. If they're costing more than you're doing it wrong.

TeenLifeMum · 31/01/2026 17:42

Minortour · 31/01/2026 09:48

Your children cost £500 a month? Well, that's good, as that's what the father is paying in this scenario. At what point do you think the mum should pay any money towards her children?

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no, they cost significantly more!

Climbingrosexx · 31/01/2026 14:33

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/01/2026 14:02

Er - if you’d read literally one post underneath the comment this poster made, you’d see she realised her mistake and apologised.

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Er ... doesn't change the fact that so many people make assumptions about non drivers

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 31/01/2026 14:06

I wonder if there's a club option, where one goes to friends, so she'd get time without the boys?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/01/2026 14:02

Climbingrosexx · 31/01/2026 11:46

OMG first of all what business is it of yours that someone doesnt drive? Secondly it has been said multiple times in this thread that he cannot drive due to medical reasons. The childrens mother CAN drive but no one is slating her for refusing to do it!

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Er - if you’d read literally one post underneath the comment this poster made, you’d see she realised her mistake and apologised.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/01/2026 13:56

Millytante · 31/01/2026 13:51

Crucial info, given the BU question posed originally. Not mentioned early enough.

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Not really, and she answered your post promptly explaining why he couldn’t drive. That was yesterday, surely posters can read the updates before they comment, or is that too hard. Funny, that’s what I thought they were for.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/01/2026 13:54

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAgain · 31/01/2026 11:27

This story is too neat and tidy for me.
The father spends about 60 days a year with his children - that's 15% of the year and OP describes him as a good father.
There's a lot more to this story.

Edited
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That still doesn’t mean he ran off with another woman and abandoned his children does it ? OP says his ex had an affair and left the marriage when he had a health diagnosis. So OP is not the other woman - in fact it’s the complete opposite. And DH spends 60 days a year with his kids via every other weekend. We don’t know how much time is spent with other holidays - which his ex limits. Lots of posters also not understanding that the change the ex is proposing means less contact, not more. This is not OP or her DH proposing this, it’s his ex. Maybe take off the ‘bad dad’ blinkers and actually understand what OP is saying.

Millytante · 31/01/2026 13:51

OrangeSlices998 · 30/01/2026 20:28

Have you read the OP’s posts? Her husband can’t drive for medical reasons.

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Crucial info, given the BU question posed originally. Not mentioned early enough.

grumpygrape · 31/01/2026 13:43

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2026 13:41

And isn't access meant to be for the kids sake not the parents?

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Exactly my point 🙂

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2026 13:41

grumpygrape · 31/01/2026 10:59

Apart from this being a very complicated arrangement, OP has said the boys prefer to be together.

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And isn't access meant to be for the kids sake not the parents?

LeftBoobGoneRogue · 31/01/2026 13:22

NewGirlInTown · 31/01/2026 05:38

Your husband needs to learn to drive. Is he banned?

@NewGirlInTown
How about you actually read the thread. The husband can’t drive for medical reasons.

Thechaseison71 · 31/01/2026 11:54

TeenLifeMum · 31/01/2026 09:42

What maths are you doing? 50% is £5 but that wouldn’t feed a hamster 😆 my dc cost far more than £250 a month each - more like £500 or more. You know people wonder if they can afford a dc? It’s not because it will cost £500 a month and that seems a hard target 😆

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Ok so if your kids cost £500 a month each ( my grandchild cost my daughter nothing like that btw) then the OPs husband has 2 kids So £1k. He pays £500 and the mum pays £500. Can't see the issue.

Pasta4Dinner · 31/01/2026 11:50

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAgain · 31/01/2026 11:27

This story is too neat and tidy for me.
The father spends about 60 days a year with his children - that's 15% of the year and OP describes him as a good father.
There's a lot more to this story.

Edited
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If you bothered to read the thread. He wants more, much more in the holidays. Mum won’t allow it and she’s the one pushing to reduce the time down further. He would see them more inbetween weekends but she moved away and made it impossible m.

Climbingrosexx · 31/01/2026 11:46

NewGirlInTown · 31/01/2026 05:38

Your husband needs to learn to drive. Is he banned?

OMG first of all what business is it of yours that someone doesnt drive? Secondly it has been said multiple times in this thread that he cannot drive due to medical reasons. The childrens mother CAN drive but no one is slating her for refusing to do it!

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAgain · 31/01/2026 11:27

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/01/2026 07:08

Are you on the right thread, and if so have you tried actually reading and understanding it ? It was the other way around - OP was not the other woman.

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This story is too neat and tidy for me.
The father spends about 60 days a year with his children - that's 15% of the year and OP describes him as a good father.
There's a lot more to this story.

zingally · 31/01/2026 11:19

It's not really your job to facilitate contact between the two parties. What would your DP do if you weren't there?

grumpygrape · 31/01/2026 11:05

ImthedriverSo · 31/01/2026 07:51

We have them in other school holidays too he basically has to beg we never know set days till absolute last minute for half term/easter/christmas. Summer is hard as we need dates to book a holiday. Often she ignores him , I think a court order necessary now.

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OP, I can't remember if a co-parenting app has been suggested and if it gets to Court or even a less formal arrangement, I would suggest ex should at least share the driving but do try not to even consider meeting half way. It gives one 'side' too much power due to timings and there are few things more depressing than seeing children and their luggage being passed from car to car in some random car park.

birthday123dh · 31/01/2026 11:03

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/01/2026 09:15

I don’t see him using it as an excuse at all. If he were, then he and OP wouldn’t be seeking more time with them, not less, as his ex is proposing.

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They have said they don’t want to do contact every weekend as they want their own time to rest and be together as he works hard and is tired. She has used the chronic illness as a reason why they have eow contact which was why I was commenting. You can be a very active parent and have a chronic illness. You may need to make adaptions and yes there are some days that are hell on earth.

grumpygrape · 31/01/2026 10:59

PadingPading · 31/01/2026 09:35

Would you be amenable to something like the following:

Weekend One - both DC Friday to Monday

Weekend Two - DC1 Saturday to Sunday (ex does driving)

Weekend Three - both DC Friday to Monday

Weekend Four - both DC with ex

Weekend Five - both DC Friday to Monday

Weeknd Six - DC2 Saturday to Sunday (ex does driving)

Weekend Seven - both DC Friday to Monday

Weeknd Eight - both DC with ex

This seems a good compromise?

Apart from this being a very complicated arrangement, OP has said the boys prefer to be together.

grumpygrape · 31/01/2026 10:57

TeenLifeMum · 31/01/2026 09:42

What maths are you doing? 50% is £5 but that wouldn’t feed a hamster 😆 my dc cost far more than £250 a month each - more like £500 or more. You know people wonder if they can afford a dc? It’s not because it will cost £500 a month and that seems a hard target 😆

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Children spending time with their separated parents should not have anything to do with money.

LiveToTell · 31/01/2026 10:30

babyproblems · 30/01/2026 20:07

Your husband needs to learn to drive, and he needs to get a court order set up.

You need to learn to read the OP’s posts (several of them have said the same thing; shouldn’t be too challenging for you).

DotAndCarryOne2 · 31/01/2026 10:22

Soontobe60 · 31/01/2026 10:12

If he agreed to the new arrangement, he would still only see each child every other weekend.

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And for less time. Ex is proposing reducing overall time for both children from four days and six nights a month to two days and two nights each. It doesn’t make any sense and looks designed simply to cause inconvenience.

Soontobe60 · 31/01/2026 10:12

ExtraOnions · 30/01/2026 17:25

He sees them 2 days every 2 weeks, and doesn’t want to increase this to 2 days week? Does he see them any other time?

If he agreed to the new arrangement, he would still only see each child every other weekend.

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