How much sympathy would you have for a colleague in this situation?

Awww, I would have lots of sympathy, you are in the trenches with small kids, esp if they are poor sleepers. I have seen lots of colleagues go through periods of more time absent and less focused on their work when kids are small cos they pick up bugs from their kids and are exhausted and worn-down and then before you know it they are through the worst of it, back firing on all cylinders and ready to support the next colleague going through it, it’s just the way of things.

Sounds like you’re doing really well, OP! I’ve been in your shoes, as have many others on Mumsnet, I’m sure, and know how tough it is.

If people ask if you’ve been kept awake, just smile and say something generic like ‘same old, same old!’ or ‘haha, I need my coffee today for sure!’ but say it cheerfully and then quickly move the conversation along. No need to lie or pretend you’re rested if you aren’t, but no need to discuss it either.

They will only get annoyed if you moan loads (although it doesn’t sound as though you’re a moaner!).

By the way, if you ever DO drop a ball, remember that you’re only human and mistakes happen far more than you realise - you just don’t hear about them as people don’t talk about it much. When my kids were young and I felt I was underperforming compared to my usual performance, I always used to remind myself that I was unlikely to be fired (it’s actually really hard to fire someone unless they are practically deliberate in their incompetence), so I just tried to relax a bit and learn to ride the wave of balancing parenthood with work!

Remember you’re not doing LESS than before, you’re doing an awful lot more - as you’ve working a dayshift at work and then a full night shift at home. I’d say that’s Superwoman skills! :-)

ps this definitely won’t last forever. You WILL sleep again

I’d feel sympathy for them. Sleep deprivation really is a killer. Some babies just don’t like to sleep.

Ds1 was sleeping through my 12 weeks. Ds2 is 2 next month and wakes 5 times a night still. Been up since 4am this morning with him. Tried cosleeping, now bought him a floor double bed and still no improvement.

One thing you could check would be to see if his tonsils are enlarged. Ds2 had huge ones and ENT said this is most likely causing his bad sleep. Might be something to look into.

Sending hugs and solidarity!

"more forgetful and less energetic" - this could be people at all sorts of stages of life. Does your workplace have a menopause policy? Because more forgetful and less energetic sounds like a lot of women I know who are also really struggling with sleep. It also sounds like people I know who have been bereaved or are caring for an older relative or are going through a health situation which isn't maternity related and doesn't require sick leave. No balls are being dropped so what's the problem?

I'm more forgetful these days but rather than wait for things to go wrong, I've talked with my boss about what's useful to have in place. This includes more regular catch ups, a more structured project meeting, a shared calendar etc.

Much in the same way that the social model of disability focuses on the barriers and how you can address the barriers, why can't you look at what could be put in place to support this colleague? To give them more confidence. From the tone of your post I'd imagine the colleague has noticed you noticing and if she's anything like me will have been stressing and worrying about how awful everyone thinks she is and how undervalued she is and pointless she is and how much of a failure she feels for not bouncing back into the office with all the energy she had pre children.

It's not just about cutting her some slack, it's about asking what she needs in place to do her best work which is within the organisation's power. Is this more flexible hours, is it something more structured, is it having a notetaker, whatever. Stop thinking sympathy and empathy because it sounds like you already have neither and start thinking about support and solutions.

So you are doing your job, possibly not the extras which build to a promotion but not under performing in anyway?

Two of mine were non sleepers, it went on for years. Neither show any sign of SEN then or as adults - they just didn’t sleep. My youngest brother was the same.

My thoughts on a member of staff experiencing this would be to ask if they needs some variation/flexibility in contract for a while and privately I’d be wondering what the baby’s father was doing. Why is he picking up some of the nights? I could not have got through if all the nights had been on me for years on end (well not without paying for a night nanny!)

You poor thing! I went through it with a colicky baby and it was hell.

You've said that you are at least performing to an average level, so I would cut yourself some slack, look after yourself as much as you can, and maybe try to get some help with the sleep issue. It took a long time before my baby was diagnosed with gastro problems and treated. I'm not sure how I survived that long to be honest!

A year's maternity leave, even followed by a year or so of less than stellar performance, is actually a tiny proportion of your entire working life. Your company are still getting overall great value from you. Try not to stress about it and take care of yourself. This too shall pass.

Anyone who has been a parent or has empathy would surely be sympathetic? I know I would. And if you're not actually dropping any balls or making any mistakes, what's the issue? Someone asking you twice for something - they have to do with me sometimes too and I'm just middle-aged and forgetful!

I know you just gave your opinion which obviously you’re perfectly entitled to do .

I was just pointing out you might think differently if it was one of your own children in this position .
I’m sure you would agree PP you would like for them to be supported by their work colleagues.
We all need to be shown that people do care about us . 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have a colleague who is very unsupportive of anyone and any reason someone might not be 100 per cent. She made derogatory comments about a pregnant woman not knowing that I was pregnant on the call.

She's immensely proud of her own team and her performance. She thinks they set the standard the rest of the organisation should aim for.

Thing is, she's a cow. She rules her team with an iron rod, and her meetings are quick and efficient because she doesn't let anyone else talk. They make very outdated decisions which are measurably impeding the progress of the company.

My somewhat rambling point being:

1. just because someone has an opinion doesn't mean it's a valid or kind one anyway
2. performance is subjective

And lastly, your family should be your priority now. Work used to get more of you, but as long as you're competently meeting your brief, that's fine? Sounds like you over performed before.

Be kind! Colleagues are human beings and everyone will need support at some time in their lives. You may or may not have a sleep deprivation issue but you never know when you might be facing family illness, bereavement, being the victim of a crime, unfair treatment in the workplace etc.. If you show kindness, you are more likely to get it back from colleagues when you need it yourself.

We have a few female staff like that here in the NHS and none of them get any support from their husbands who sleep the night through.
I try and support them as much as possible its really hard work being a mum.

Just focus on meeting your objectives and doing your best without doing all the extra you used to. Work smart, not long hours.

People are at all sorts of stages in their life and are all human, don't hold yourself to higher account than anyone else. I'm a senior director and at menopause and can't remember whether I just made myself a coffee five minutes ago. Other people will come in with hangovers, or having insomnia without it being a child waking them up, or other illness or disability, or having lost a parent or worried about elderly parents or their kids having low attendance at school. We're not robots. And even robots have mechanical breakdowns.

Have you, OP, had a child and then had to struggle into work after very little sleep? Do you have any understanding of her situation? It will even out for her once her child sleeps a bit better but until then, she sounds like she is doing fine.
I wonder, OP, if you've hit menopause yet? The awful sleep, the forgetfulness, the brain fog, the low mood, the lack of energy. If you've not gone through that stage yet, when that time comes for you, and you are doing your very best to perform as normal at work, I hope that your colleagues treat you with some support and empathy.

Haven't rtft but my DS was a terrible sleeper. I was a zombie the first couple of years. I'd have nothing but sympathy.
As for it affecting work, a lot of things do. Divorces, ill parents etc. We're not robots. I'd hope colleagues would be understanding. We can't all be top of our game 100% of the time.

They don't say whether it is substandard. Maybe it's just standard and before she went the extra mile.

OP asked for opinions.

I gave mine.

Zero need for anyone to be up in arms about it. 🤷‍♀️🙄

I would be supportive because I've been there. My younger DS screamed and screamed and screamed for 2 years straight. We would go 3 days with no sleep, and even when he did pass out it was for about 20 minutes. Now he's nearly secondary age and still doesn't sleep much, but at least he doesn't scream all night! He has been diagnosed with autism though.

Sympathy only to a degree. Having children is usually a choice so it doesn't really demand any more sympathy than a heavy night on the tiles.

I‘m a Senior Social Worker in a very stretched, under staffed, under resourced team - so I can safely say no, nobody is in a position to pick up anyones slack at work.

How harsh of you .
Whilst I understand people need to be able to do their Job, I can also empathise with another human being who is running on empty.
Would you have the same attitude if it were your daughter or son?

Unless someone else has to pick up the slack and you’re moaning about all the time - I’d have all the sympathy in the world if you’re going from amazing to average.

If you’re using it as an excuse to do a “below average” job, I’d be annoyed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case?

I went from working extra and unpaid in the evenings/weekends to picking my kid up from nursery at 5.30, as is well within my rights. No one had to step in to do my work, but yes I didn’t go above and beyond anymore, still hitting all my goals.

You're doing all that completely in isolation with nobody picking up your slack? I don't believe you. At all.

Employers who understand tend to have a much more loyal workforce so sometimes it's just worth sticking with someone you know is otherwise a good employee and worker. What's the actual point in pretending people aren't people? Why can't colleagues have reciprocal arrangements?