How much sympathy would you have for a colleague in this situation?

I've had kids & had to return to work when my youngest was only 14 weeks old & remember the struggles of going in to work on minimum sleep so I would have every sympathy with them. If it became a problem that it impacted my work because I was picking up work they usually did or I was covering for them too often then I'd have a word with my line manager but wouldn't put it across as a complaint, more a concern that they might need support or adjustments made to their working day if they're struggling.

Have had both experiences too. When you don't sleep, your body doesn't choose to be less tired based on it not being causes by kids.

PP didn't say they don't have experience of both either.

Absolutely not being patronising, just pointing out its different and having experienced both, what the difference is.

And since I am both an insomniac with a sleepless child and minimal support I completely have the right to that view.

Only patronising if you chose to take it that way. Tired is tired, caring for people adults or children that don't sleep, and again I have experienced both is beyond tired.

My DD was a nightmare! I was exhausted .. sleep deprivation is torture!
I am a supportive person and have always helped colleagues .. I’d be sympathetic & offer support

@Bloopbloopbleep
Oh OP, I really feel for you. Sleep deprivation is absolutely insane. Bless you for thinking about your colleagues at this time.

My son is now 22 months and I went back to work when he was 7 months old (so 15 months ago approx). Up until he was 14 / 15 months old he woke every 45 minutes and would only settle back to sleep with me and being breastfed. Eventually he started doing slightly longer stints but only in the last month has he dropped to only 2 wakes a night (a night being 8.30pm to 6.30am). He was sick last week and we were back to me holding him up to ease congestion and multiple wakes. It is so so difficult to get to sleep or even get any meaningful sleep when this is your normal.

I do not recognise myself when I compare my look and my work to pre-baby me! I WFH mostly now and do not wear makeup unless necessary! I am always clean and fresh but very little effort made! I recently put makeup on and had my hair blow dried and my friend literally complimented me all day 😂 It made me remember how awful I must look every other day.

I have friends and family with toddler sand young kids too who clearly don't have the sleep issues we do who go on nights out, are extremely well-kempt etc.

With regards to work... I have taken the view that this is a phase! My work gets done (maybe slower but still on time and to a relatively good standard)... some day my son will sleep all night every night and so will I.

My employers are still positive about my work thankfully and I was actually promoted since returning to work (despite my eyes literally hanging out of my head all day everyday)!

I am.often asked if I am ill etc and I just say No, my kid doesn't sleep. I don't bother taking offence anymore.

I dont think the OP said the child only slept 1-2 hours in 2 days.

Some kids need alot of parental support to sleep. People will never understand until they go through it themselves. People would ask me was my son a good sleeper and 100% thought I was exaggerating when I said No, he was terrible. He needed support to get tk sleep... if I tried to put him down too soon he would wake and it would start allover again. For the first 14 months of his life, he never slept for more than 40-50 minutes a time. J would repeatedly have to help him back to sleep... so in a 12 hour period he would probably sleep for 9 hours but wake 14-15 times.

It's insanely difficult for a mother to then get to sleep knowing you're going to be woken again in 30-40 minutes. Also these short bursts are your only time to shower, have a cup of tea, get some housework done etc.

Comments of neglect are exactly what to OP who is extremely sleep deprived and just trying to make it through each day at a time, does not need.

I'd have sympathy and would help out work wise if I could add if it was appropriate.

I have mainly worked for small close knit organisations with where we all have each others back though.

I also have an autistic DC - I was awake until 3am this morning. I have a lot of sympathy for sleep deprivation.

Probably annoy me, once I had my fourth who was a complete nightmare for sleep, I had to jack work in altogether

But I understand its not so easy for everyone

@Bloopbloopbleep

Nothing can prepare you for what it’ll be like. So don’t hold yourself up again pre mat leave you’s plans and expectations!

You’re doing your best and still doing a good enough job, even if it’s not as good as before. Of course it won’t be as good as before, at the moment anyway, this is just not a realistic expectation to have.

Just focus on getting more sleep when/however you can, don’t waste any energy on worrying about what others think, sounds like they understand and wish they could help….

Good luck!

Yep and my DH goes out like a light. He rolls over and that him whilst my brain just lights up. I do have ADHD so it ensigns it to a degree and I’m 46 so I think it’s probably hormonal too. It’s just soul destroying that I’m exhausted and my body won’t sleep!

How patronising, it's not a competition!

2 hours sleep is still 2 hours sleep, whether it's because of kids, medical condition or insomnia.

Is this to say that parents with young children shouldn't work? Why are you picking on her? Looks like you have no life, because people with a life have more things to be worried about. Get yourself a hobby

Agree. So many people getting involved in colleague's life

Not enough info to say. Im generally a supportive person and return from mat leave is hard for many reasons, but i also believe you need to be fit for work if youre at work as everyone has shit going on. So if i was having to pick up the slack on top of my own work or if the person wanted different treatment in the longer term, then im human and it would start to grate.

I’d be sympathetic as DS2 was a terrible sleeper and I remember when I went back to work full time, I was still up with him 2-3 times a night. He is 21 now, such a lovely boy and was the easiest of my 3 by far. I am still in the lack of sleep boat though as when DD was 2, I developed a very painful health condition so often awake in pain. A major surgery helped that, but now in peri menopausal and my sleep is worse than ever! I guess i’m destined not to sleep.

I get less sleep now probably than when I had a young baby, but I don’t feel as bad for it. Maybe as my youngest is almost 18 and less pressure day to day parenting as that exhausts you too. Especially when you’re a single parent, I was too from when my youngest was 2. All I want in life is 8hrs sleep!!

My performance has never been the same since i had children. First you have the sleep deprivation issue, but then you have the general tiredness and stress of trying to sort out daily life etc. in my role what I am missing the most is time. I just lack the time to finish the work in have to do when I need to leave for pickup.

But even if I know how you feel, I don't know if I would feel "sympathetic" or not. There are plenty of reasons why people might see their performance drop at work, so I don't think I would have more sympathy than for anyone else. And usually i stay out of people's business.
As long as the job is done it's fine IMO. No one should be expected to overperform.

As a manager, I pay more attention about my direct reports wellbeing. So my concern would be about them feeling supported whatever the circumstances, and whether any adjustments can be made (we are very flexible as an organisation).

Returning to work in a month with a bad sleeper, definitely not looking forward to the sleep deprived days at work.
I hope things settle for you soon, stay strong. Everyone tells me it will get better, so I am also staying positive!

Your colleagues are not your carers, if you can't do your job get another job or renegotiate your terms. Stop trying to couch harming those around you in softly softly terms.

If you are doing your job and not adversely affecting those around you this thread is not required

Why on earth should you coast along on sympathy? Sympathy has nothing at all to do with people being fairly treated at work and doing their job.

"Would you feel sorry for me so you'd keep putting up with being unfairly treated because I can't do my job/' seems to be the appallingly selfish question behind this thread.

I would have no problem discussing your behaviours with a line manager if they were adversely affecting me and would absolutely expect the same from others if I started causing them grief at work. If you weren't directly affecting me and if was not your manager I wouldn't involve myself in your issues.

Everyone has their challenges, life is full of them. If you can't manage at work, figure it out.

Just to play devils advocate here. It’s not just parents who may be tired from broken/no sleep. Some may be caring for an elderly parent or disabled sibling, have insomnia or suffer with a medical issue that affects sleep. If you give leeway to a new mum don’t they deserve it too? At what point does it begin to affect the business? Businesses aren’t a charity and you have to be able to perform your job as your role requires. I’m not without sympathy but how would potentially underperforming on your job affect the business and your colleagues.

edit to add: not aimed at you directly. I know you haven’t asked for allowances but some will and it could be a sloppy slope and open to people taking the oiss.
also it'll get easier so hang on in there

I'd be sympathetic, why not? Yes, everyone can have something going on (illness, caring for elderly parents etc), so I'm not saying only new parents matter, but they do matter. If she's doing her best, I respect her for managing work and a baby. I found it hard and mine weren't particularly bad sleepers. If possible, I would look to support with things like coming in at different times/flexibility, but obviously that depends on the job.
I've often done more work for colleagues going through things, and when I suffered a loss myself, colleagues supported me.

This. Just don’t get embroiled.

My first reaction was if OP was in a critical job with a need to focus being needed, in which case there can be no giving for not being on the ball.

In an office, as long as it's not directly impacting colleagues and creating extra work, then this is different.

Personally, i would want to help you as much as I could, it's kindness and support, which you need in times like this OP.

Meanwhile, could you reduce your hours for your own MH then go back FT later? Xxx

It's true in most roles.

I agree. I would only care if it impacted my work and I had to pick up a colleague's work on top of my own. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

This was me!!! Tried a sleep consultant, read up lots but my son would not sleep. I'm sure my colleagues thought it was a bit ridiculous too - I was completely broken. Found out when he turned 3 that he actually had sleep apnea!!!

A lot. I'd have a lot of sympathy with her.

Depending on the context, you may or may not have the band-width to absorb what your colleague is not, at the moment, able to deliver.

But, it could be you (or, if not you, then someone else near and dear to you) in her situation. And in that context you'd hope for a modicum of understanding and some flexibility.