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Original poster

My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

184 replies

Shillie · 18/01/2026 16:50

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

OP posts:
RudolphRNR · 18/01/2026 17:08

I could get past the extra spending as a one-off gift that you know someone will absolutely love. But I’d be so hurt by how he went about it - not telling you about it so presumably he’s given it just from him rather than from both of you, and it being a secret between them excluding you and the other two kids. That’s deceitful.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/01/2026 17:05

I'd be worried the other adult children found out and wondered why they also didn't get something thoughtful from their dad

Original poster
Shillie · 18/01/2026 17:04

LegoEmergency · 18/01/2026 17:01

Unless he always favours her, I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

Sometimes you think of something really nice which one of your children would really like and would make them happy. It doesn’t mean you have to immediately spend the exact equal amount of money on the others, even if there’s nothing they particularly want at the moment.

Unless one child is strongly favoured then I would expect things like this to even out over time.

It’s also quite nice that her Dad made the effort to think of and buy her something nice of his own volition. Most men you hear about on MN never participate in any Christmas shopping, even for their own mothers etc, so that’s actually quite good as well!

Edited

I think he generally has a slight preference towards DD as they have the most in common, however not normally would he show it explicitly.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 18/01/2026 17:04

He saw something nice, and bought it .. doesn’t mean he loves her more.

I think it’s more odd that he feels the need to creep about and lie (by omission ) , are you particularly controlling with finances ?

any who beancounts the amount spent on adult children? Why does it need to be exactly the same? I’ve no clue what my Mum spent on me compared to my siblings

Original poster
Shillie · 18/01/2026 17:04

starryeyess · 18/01/2026 17:00

I think outraged is a bit much, very annoyed certainly. Keeping it all a big secret is weird - although who wouldn't say no to spending £250 on a flipping chess board!

Was DD really pleased to get a £250 chess board or was it really just something he wanted but couldn't justify for himself?

I think he needs to work out how he's going to make it up to the other kids.

DD will have loved it, she adores chess and it was in unique colour way and well made by the sounds of it.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 18/01/2026 17:03

I think it’s a bit naughty but I also think you’re massively over reacting.

I’m one of three and sometimes one of us has had a much more expensive Xmas present than the other from our parents simply because that’s what they wanted and there’s no point deliberately spending more on everyone for stuff they haven’t asked for/don’t want just to justify a one off treat for one child - I’ve never batted an eyelid!

Wayk · 18/01/2026 17:03

I agree with you. The other children would be very hurt especially if they find out he asked to keep it a secret.

LegoEmergency · 18/01/2026 17:01

Unless he always favours her, I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

Sometimes you think of something really nice which one of your children would really like and would make them happy. It doesn’t mean you have to immediately spend the exact equal amount of money on the others, even if there’s nothing they particularly want at the moment.

Unless one child is strongly favoured then I would expect things like this to even out over time.

It’s also quite nice that her Dad made the effort to think of and buy her something nice of his own volition. Most men you hear about on MN never participate in any Christmas shopping, even for their own mothers etc, so that’s actually quite good as well!

starryeyess · 18/01/2026 17:00

I think outraged is a bit much, very annoyed certainly. Keeping it all a big secret is weird - although who wouldn't say no to spending £250 on a flipping chess board!

Was DD really pleased to get a £250 chess board or was it really just something he wanted but couldn't justify for himself?

I think he needs to work out how he's going to make it up to the other kids.