My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

I think she means she can't afford £750 on all the children (£250 on each to make it fair).

Are the other dc still at home? Tbh I got those who have their own places a housey gift on top of other gifts.. Maybe you can even things out in time?

So you can afford it for your husband but cant for your kid?

But you didn't seem bothered by him spending £250 on a chess set for himself. Is it that you would feel you have to spend another £500 to make it fair? I don't think I agree. It was a special one off for one child.

The whole set-up sounds really weird to me.

I find it odd you weren't initially annoyed about the chess set when you thought it was for him but after finding out it was for your daughter you brought in the we can't afford it narrative.

I suspect he didn't tell you because he knew this is how you'd react. Your children are adults you don't always have to spent the exact same amount on them for gifts, treats or other occasions. They aren't keeping score and it's ridiculous to think they will always need the exact same.

This … and she absolutely loves it so it’s not a waste of money, it’s a lovely special treat.

Well now you know your husband has a favourite. 🤮

It feels really weird and underhand to me and would have needed some coordination and deceit. I would be hurt.

The only issue I see is not being upfront about it . We have 2 now adult children and I can’t say that I’ve ever matched the cost of birthday / Christmas presents , they get what I think they will like or have shown an interest in . I’ve absolutely no intention of trying to spend £400 on my daughter because my son wants a £400 Lego set or vice versa . Provided everyone is happy with their presents I can’t see the problem .

I think it’s out of order if it’s shared money. I also would worry what the other children would feel life if they knew. They’re only very young adults and I imagine it would sting a bit. I think I would be using this as an excuse to separate finances (if you’re earning money) Tell him he’s broken your trust and you are taking control of your own finances going forward so you can feel confident that you won’t have your money spent without your knowledge. I would let the anger go but hit him with something that makes him realise that breaking your trust is a serious issue in a marriage. To those people who don’t think it’s a big deal remember they don’t know what your finances look like, it might be a huge percentage of your disposable income.

I couldn’t get mad about this, but I can’t imagine a scenario where this would happen with us as we could afford it so therefore it wouldn’t need to be a secret. Sometimes we spend more on one dc than another depending on what they want/need.

The fact he’s felt the need to keep it a secret from you isn’t good. I’d let it go this time and don’t make your dd feel bad about it.

I guess it's because she likes chess which aligns with his own interests. He wanted to share that commonality and he probably would've really like the chessboard himself truth be told. Anyway, yes it was naughty to favour one and not the others and also to encourage her to lie to you. The present could have been saved for a big birthday or graduation. I would personally temper my reaction based on what sort of marriage you have. Is he generally a good man? Is your marriage reasonably happy? If yes to both, then I personally wouldn't go nuclear on this.

I think your husband can give his own daughter a special one off gift if he wants to. Your reaction is a lot!

So he gave it to her on a separate occasion, when you and her siblings weren't there? And specifically from him and not both of you?

If so, that's what would make me angry, and what feels underhand.

If it's not consistent favouritism towards one and it's likely to even out at some point I wouldn't be worried about that part of it. We spent over twice the amount on my eldest as his brother as he needed a PC, getting his brother essentially everything he asked for and more didn't take it up to even half the value. But at some point I'm sure he will need a computer or laptop for school, or will want a console or something expensive, so it will even out over time

@Shillie phew! That’s one less thing to worry about!

Why wasn't the chess set the official thing that you jointly bought her since it sounds like a really well suited gift, and would the other 2 really have known that it cost a lot more than whatever they got?

The weird thing about this is how he felt he needed to deal with the idea

Why do you think he hid it from you? Would you have been angry?

Sorry to go off on a tangent - Have you spoken to your daughter about it? Was it definitely her that it was actually given to? If it were me I would be doing a bit more digging to get all the facts…

I have 3 children and agree that I don’t always spend the exact same amount on my children, it depends what they have asked for. I also buy things they need at other times. it balances out

Just make it up to the other two and spend a bit more on their birthdays. Problem solved. I think your being a little tight.

Treating children equitably doesn’t mean they always get the exact same stuff at the same time or the exact same value. Maybe next Christmas there will be something that is really appropriate for one of your other children that costs more. It’s not necessary to try to match everything every time. It just ends up being mercenary.

If it’s a repeated pattern then that’s an issue, but over time these things often even out, without having to keep a note of who has had what.

I’d be interested to know why he didn’t mention it though. Why would it have been that big a deal in the first place?