My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

I don't really understand having to spend the same amount on each child every year, especially now they're adults and presumably didn't open their presents in front of each other. I get wanting to make sure it's equal over time, but just spend less on your DD's birthday and Christmas for the next year and put that money towards presents for the other kids. I'm sure your daughter will understand that she got an expensive gift this Christmas, so siblings will get more this year to balance things out. Better to buy a more expensive gift that's wanted and appreciated, than try to find things to buy to make up to a set budget.

Your DH was wrong to hide what he'd done, but if he knew you'd be angry I can understand why he did.

You say you can't afford to spend more on your children but you have no issue with him spending £250 on a chess set for himself. I get buying equal gifts at Christmas specifially but not the spending issue or the lack of impulse and generosity allowed. He should be give his own gifts surely?

Difference between equality and equity surely. Presumably when the other 2 get a new flat he’ll buy them something of similar value. A parent should be free to treat their child tbh. Hopefully you haven’t raised kids who watch what other people have spent on each other and compare.

Just remember to buy all your children something especially thoughtful on their 25th Christmas, make it a family tradition. He should have pitched the gift idea to you but sounds like you would have shut him down.

Fairness is all good and well but it shouldn't remove the pleasure of seeing a child really appreciate a gift that they will treasure for years.

They're in their 20s not single figures - if they got cut up about this then they need to grow up a bit. But I reckon they wouldn't be cut up about it unless there's a clear track record of the daughter being favoured. My mother-in-law has this thing about having to spend exactly the same on all her offspring - almost to the pound - and it's just odd. If one gets something particularly expensive for whatever reason then it means the others get a load of filler presents that are only there to redress the balance. Load of fuss over nothing IMO.

I don't really agree that you need absolute equality at this stage.

it's not like he gave DD a £40k house deposit and told the others they'd have to figure something out as he had none left.

it was a thoughtful present

he was probably right to hide it from you if you react like this over a nice gesture

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. …he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

Sounds like it was a housewarming gift then. That’s incredibly thoughtful of him. If my dad had selected something he knew I’d like in a specific design to match my new place I would cherish it forever.

Just do something similar for the younger two when they move into new flats/homes.

She’ll treasure it when she’s older and her dad is gone OP. Don’t ruin it for them.
just make sure he treats the other two over the next few years, it’s really not a big deal

This seems a pretty big reaction to a lovely gift for a dc. Does your DH have a habit of spending money that isn’t available ? Is it about the way you both budget and communicate about money? I do agree with others that it needs balancing out over time with the other siblings.

I don't keep an accounting of the relative sums I spend on my two children and I suggest you don't either. What matters is not how much a gift cost, but how much joy it gives.

I wouldn’t have a problem about the perceived ‘fairness’. I don’t give my kids gift of equal value at for Christmas or birthdays but it probably all evens out in the end. One might need a new laptop one year while the other one wants new slippers, and another year the one might want a contribution towards a big holiday while the other wants new pants. It just depends what’s going on in their lives - we’ve always done that and the kids totally accept and ‘get’ it. I would have a problem with my DH buying an expensive ‘not asked for or needed’ gift behind my back when we had an agreement to be transparent about our finances.

Sorry didn’t mean you would be upset with dd, just feel you shouldn’t let her know this has caused an issue between you and her dad. Four kids six grandchildren here. They get what they need/what we think right when appropriate as best we can. Hope it shows we think about them as individuals and support them as such. spending the same on everyone all the time is a crazy path to go down. Don’t fall out about it. Life’s too short x

See I just don’t think this way at all. I’d think it was a really lovely gift for my daughter to have from her dad. She’ll treasure it forever.

Its only money.

I dunno, I mean I see your point, but at the same time it seems all very rigid and controlled.

He didnt tell you about it because he knows you’d have shut it down. Which seems a bit joyless to me. Sometimes you need to just do it anyway. It’ll even out over time I’m sure anyway

Everyone that is cross with OP and insinuating she is tight. She obviously didn’t get a thank you for the Christmas gift otherwise she would have known about it. I’m not sure I would want my partner to be receiving a big fat thank you for something that my money had contributed to while I got nothing.

I actually think it's quite nice to buy a special gift every now and then so long as it evens out over time.. perhaps next year it could be for DC2 and then the year after for DC3

Why?

This obsession with treating them the same is really odd. They are individual adults and their needs won't be equal. To think they need the same amount spending on them is ridiculous.

I'd be angry at the deceit. But did he deceive because you are controlling and would have said with no discussion?

Sometimes we've treated one of children differently in buying a more expensive gift but it's usually for birthdays and related to the hobbies/passions in life. But it balances out.

So if you are only just finding out about this now, when did he give it to her? And he must have done it in secret and said 'don't say anything to your mum' as well.

"DD will have loved it, she adores chess and it was in unique colour way and well made by the sounds of it."

This is what's really important.

Of course, treat them all fairly, but sometimes something special is worth "breaking the rules.". I think it was a lovely, thoughtful gift that has made a lifetime memory for your daughter. It's a shame that he didn't feel he could share it with you, but it is a link between the 2 of them. Which is why it shouldn't be shared with anyone else. It was meant to make your dd feel special, not an occasion to promote jealousy and anger.

Sad he didn’t share the fun of finding something so special for her. It’s probably because he knew you would shut it down. Now you’re asking to see it which will seem weird to Dd too. Smooth it over by saying you’re looking forward to seeing it out of the box etc don’t go on about the cost and not being in on the purchase. Has it really thrown you into financial hardship?!
It’s done now anyway . Not worth falling out over. Look out for something special for the others’ birthdays. Together.

Unreasonable to keep a secret from you, but it sounds like he doesn’t necessarily agree with the budget set. Was it agreed together? It would be awful if the other siblings were aware. I assume he wants to play it with her so in part for him too.

I actually think it’s quite telling that you didn’t seem too bothered about your husband spending £250 a random purchase yet when you describe buying gifts for your children, you keep to very strict budgets that suggested your finances wouldn’t allow for this sort of frivolous purchase.
Have you always had £100 budget for your DC? Maybe it’s time to revisit as £100 now won’t get you anywhere near as much as a few years ago and it sounds like you can afford it & your DH has probably recognised this.