My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

I also don’t understand the obsession with being equal all the time. My kids are 4 and 10. I spent about 3x more on my 10yo than 4yo. They were happy with what they received. I would be upset if they grow up keeping a tally of everything

I'm finding it odd a few posters say he should have asked the OP for permission to buy the gift...if the roles were reversed this thread would be full of people questioning if the OPs husband was financially abusive and why she had no agency to buy her own child a gift from her own money without seeking permission.

I would t bat an eyelid. They are all adults, it’s do lovely that her dad got her a wee special present. Something that matches her wee house and she will always have and remember.
at some point he will do something similar for the others. It’s a lovely gesture and you are overreacting

If he had found the chess set and said to you “Look, this would be a perfect gift for DD…I know it’s a bit more than we would usually spend but can we get this and ditch any other gifts for her” that would have been fine. My issue here is that he ended up giving her something extra without having a conversation. It does smack of favouritism and as a previous poster said, giving one child more than others is something that could cause an issue later on. We see it all the time on here when one poster feels others in the family have been treated favourably.

The fact he went and purchased it privately without having a conversation and making a plan would be my concern. It’s a “don’t tell your mother” situation which is unfair. The chess set should have been from you both.

I think it’s very sad that your husband feels he has to hide buying his daughter a present from you. Never being able to buy your child a gift that’s over £100 sounds hard/ mean unless you really can’t afford it. I think you need to think about your own behaviour as to why this situation happened and what you should do differently.
how would you have reacted if your husband had come to you and said he wanted to buy it for her?

it is more than on the other children at the moment but that can rectified by getting them something bigger at another point in time when he sees something they would like.

I’m with you. It’s a lovely gift but it’s not fair on the siblings, and the “don’t tell mum” thing is a bit shit (both for your budgeting, and because it makes him fun dad and you mean mum).

In our family if there’s a big gift it gets given for Christmas and birthday combined. Something like that might have worked better, or saving it for a big birthday.

I’d be very annoyed but I’m not sure I’d reach the level of outraged. Something similar (but not the same) happened recently and I was very pissed off so I don’t blame you for being angry.

He should have told you but sometimes you see just the right thing for just the right person.

And the thought really is what counts. I wouldn’t have thought twice had my parents bought just the right thing for my sibling. Swings and roundabouts, another time another D.C. might need or want something in particular.

An insistence on matching value… what’s that about? I doubt anyone would have googled the price.

I think that unless one of the others was denied a present on the grounds of it being too expensive, this sort of thing is fine as a one-off. As pp have mentioned, sometimes a child will desperately want something more expensive than their sibling’s heart’s desire, and it does seem daft to buy things just to make up a random value.

I know people who get antsy if the number of gifts to open is different, and I find that nuts- here, we all offer a list of things we would like, at different price points, and not expect to get everything. Maybe just one gift if it’s at the top end of budget.
If there isn’t anything particular at that moment that someone wants, we just get them things they like and don’t worry if we are spending more on someone else who’s asked for a special item.

Goodness me - this is so unimportant. At some point maybe buy the others something lovely - it doesn’t have to be at the same time.

I think you are unreasonable to be merely “so angry” and “outraged”. I think you should be incandescent with fury, livid beyond measure and apoplectic with rage. That would be the normal response for a psychologically balanced parent on discovering that her partner has given a Christmas present to their joint child.

But he should have run any big spends past the OP and clearly this is a big spend for them. If for no other reason so OP could refrain from the other £100 she spent

All I can say is..poor husband. 25 years looking back and 20 years forward. Scary.

Meh; each of your children are adults and a treat once in a while is fair enough. Next year it should be one of the others. Unless it’s a pattern of favouritism I’d let it go.

You would not be unreasonable at all to be very concerned and to want to discuss this, but it sounds as though your DH had a lovely thought, specifically matching a gift to a person rather than just mechanically and detachedly dealing out an equal amount to each dc with the equality and affordability of the gift meaning more than its suitability.

An odd feeling is coming across that your DH is a bit scared of you and a bit under your control.

You do need to talk about what he did, and how to balance your personal autonomies between you.Do not be outraged.

You could now suggest you’ll look for special, personal gifts for your other 2 dc. But wouldn’t you just say, ‘We can’t afford it.’ ?

So perhaps you each need to keep some personal funds to spend as you please.

Plus you speak to him about these issues:

1. He needs to find a special present each for the other two from his funds or it will potentially be very upsetting for them all.
2. He must never ask one dc to keep something secret from the other dc, or you again because it is extremely harmful.
3. You will recognise he can spend his personal fund on special dc presents if he want to ( if he doesn’t pit one against the other).

It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever known a DF to do.

@Shillie why? They're adults spend on gifts is easier to split equally with young kids. He's done something nice. I think your response is telling to why he didn't tell you maybe you should think about that.

If DH and I spent £100 on one DS and £350 on the other, that would cause some trouble. It would in most of the families I know. I know that most of them budget roughly equally when their DC are of a similar age. This is a really weird move. I would be asking him how he is going to make it up to his other two.

I don't think it's a big deal to be honest.

I kind of think these things all even out in the end.

people on here are weird.

If OP had posted "DD1 is my favourite child, although I think I do an okay job of hiding it. Is it okay to buy her a designer handbag for Christmas because I know she'll love it. I'll have to keep it secret from DH though because he will ask why I'm not buying anything for the other DC. It will mean spending about £350 on her vs £100 each on the other two which I think is fine if they never find out."
She would have got her arse handed to her!

All of the "it's lovely, just make sure the other DC get the same spent on them at some point" or "we don't match spends, just give what they need, it sorts itself out over time" posters are missing the point that given DH kept it secret from her he clearly has no intention of doing the same for the other 2!

If he'd said "I've seen something DD would like so am going to buy it out of my own savings, I'll make clear it's a housewarming present rather than Christmas and will do the same for the others when they get their first place" I doubt OP would be bothered. It's the secrecy and favouritism that's the issue.

Do we have the same in-laws? My FIL is the same. It drives me mad as his budget is the same whether you're 2 or 102. It means small children end up with mountains of stuff and adults often get extra random crap just to make up the total.

The OPs adult children probably won't actually care at all that their siblings gifts do not cost the same. It's about whether the gifts is something they will like not whether it fits an arbitrary budget.

We never set out to spend exactly the same amount on each of our adult DC and families at Christmas or birthdays as it depends on their interests for a start.

DH often sends extra £££ to the oldest son as his family is less well off, so it’s nice to give them a bit extra for Christmas treats.

DS2 and his partner are both high earners plus her family treats them to luxury holidays etc. during the year.

So we only buy them token gifts and no extra £££.

I leave DH to buy all their gifts as he’s much better at choosing something suitable than I am.

I would be angry about him asking your DD to keep it a secret though and I think you’re justified in having that discussion.

In your shoes, I’d be telling him that he’ll need to make an effort to find something equally suitable for the others that’s a bit spendy for either their birthday or next Christmas to even it up, as it does appear that he’s favouring DD simply because they have shared interests.

I doubt the other children would even realise how much it cost unless you made a song and dance about it!

He can do. Over time. Life doesn't mean you have to treat your kids identically at all times. If one has just moved house, it would be ridiculous to buy everyone else a present because you are going to give them a housewarming gift. If somebody has an unexpected breakdown and needs expensive car repairs, you don't have to give the other kids cash as well. It's ok to do different gifts at different times, as long as overall they think they are equally loved and treated. And you would definitely have said if there was a gross imbalance here, other than this one time