My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

I wouldn't be bothered by the amount relative to the others as they're all adults, but I would feel really icky about the lie and the secrecy.

I'd feel weird about this. Especially his attitude to shared funds being "I knew you'd say no so I did it anyway" 🤨

And he's taken all the credit for this to earn brownie points with DD, despite it being half your money. That's more than a bit shit of him.

But I can't help noticing you were fine with this purchase when you thought he'd bought it for himself without consulting you. And him spending that much on a chess set in general doesn't seem to bother you. Which makes me wonder if the finances aspect of all this is less of a concern for you than the parenting one. Or if he generally gets to play by different rules with the family finances?

How would he react if you bought yourself a £250 tea set on a whim?

I'm one of 3 and my parents are the same. It's never bothered me. I wasn't brought up to keep score and check we all had the same. We all got what we needed and also treated with things we wanted.
I'm raising my DC the same, if they ever tried checking the price of gifts and comparing I'd be letting them know how rude and ungrateful that is.

I am one of four children. Very occasionally my parents would buy something big for one of us, something needed or very much wanted, without feeling the need to buy something big for the rest of us. But then it would happen to each of us over the years, so it all evens out.

No issue with this, as long as it's not the same child getting things over and over again. A little issue is that he had to hide it from you.

"I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!"
Points one and two are bad, but to me the third point is the biggest point of all.

He actually asked your daughter to not tell her two siblings or her mother that their father/husband bought her something. He asked her to lie (either directly or by omission) to the rest of the family. HER family. That's a hell of a burden to place on her shoulders! And could potentially drive a wedge between them.

This is a total fiction I have made up, but - what if she felt reluctant to invite her siblings over in case they queried her lovely new chess set? 'Ooh, lovely, where did you get that from?' is a perfectly normal reaction. Which she will either have to answer with a pre-prepared fudge/lie or stumble over. Not nice for her, or siblings.

"he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat."
How new is her flat? Could this extra Christmas gift be relabelled as a housewarming gift? 'Your dad saw this and knew you'd love it but Christmas was so busy I never got the chance to even see your housewarming gift. Oh, he didn't say it was for housewarming? What is he like? <rolls eyes>

Do you think you could get away with that?

The kids are adults. Making sure they get the same spent on them is very weird. Complete overreaction

They've had to keep it from you because they knew what your reaction would be. He should be able to treat his DD if he sees something perfect for her. You didn't seem to mind when you thought it was for him so its obviously not caused financial difficulty.

I'd be more worried if my partner felt he couldn't buy what sounds a lovely thoughtful gift for his child without having to lie to me about it. Because I'd feel I needed to reflect on how much control I was exercising in our household, and whether that was a healthy dynamic.

I think you might be a bit controlling if he had to go behind your back to buy your daughter a chess set. When your other DD's want or need something a bit more expensive, you can even things out. It doesn't have to all be at the same time now that they are adults.

But you’re meant to be one household with a shared life, not penny pinching and tit for tat. That’s my opinion, as you said, we all have different views.

Did you not notice him give it to her?

I'm impressed that your husband buys presents and is aware of what would match your daughter's decor tbh.

It’s £250 not £2500. If he’s not favouring her all the time sometimes it’s nice to treat one child when appropriate. They’re all adults so it doesn’t always have to be equal anymore. He loves his daughter… I couldn’t be furious about that.

Is dd the first to move out/ get her own flat?

If so I would just count it as a housewarming present and do similar for the others when they get their own flats to keep it fair.

I would also be having a conversation with dh about keeping secrets.
Possibly worth reflecting on whether you’re prone to very rigid thinking or tend to be set in your ideas/closed to discussion too.

I rarely spend the same amount on my adult childrens presents. None of them tally up the cost of their presents either.

I just buy them what they want or what I think they might like.

...he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

So in a way it was special housewarming present from a dad to his daughter...presumably out of his allocated budget share, and referencing their common interest.

I think this is really lovely and thoughtful. Maybe the keeping it secret wasn't ideal but you sound like a controlling killjoy so I can see why he did tbh.

Perfectly equal spending to the penny is a joyless way to treat your children. Spending £350 on one child and £100 on the others is blatant favouritism. I’m with you, OP - it’s not okay to so obviously prefer one child over the others. And it’s even worse to tell that child to lie to the others to cover it up.

Would it be “okay” if he had used the money from his allocated spending? Or is it just in general you don’t want that amount spending on DD?

I agree. It all evens out. I lost complete track of what I spent of each child. Sometimes I tell my older ‘Don’t tell your sister about this, I’ll buy it for you but don’t utter a word!’ I don’t have favourites but I’ll treat them both as and when.

I think it’s a touching gift from her Dad and her Dad alone. A chess set is something she’ll treasure forever. If my DH did something like this for my DD I’d be touched.

This is minimising the issues and almost victim-blaming.

It sounds like a classic case of coercive control by the “D”H, toxic masculinity, gaslighting and financial abuse. Clear red flags indicating a cycle of abuse. OP, are you unsafe?
You need to get your ducks in a row, call Women’s Aid and go no contact with your whole family.

Hurt, angry and outraged? Calm down. This wouldn’t bother me at all. I actually think it’s quite sweet. You would have said no, so he cracked on anyway.

Lots of issues here.
rigid rules
secrets
passive aggression
favouring
controlling

I agree, my DH just took our middle DC to a £250 per ticket show, another year his DB was treated to American football tickets. It all evens out over time, or close enough.

You sound controlling

It’s not from him though is it? It’s only half from him. I think if £125 of my money had been used to buy something from someone then I would deserve a thank you. We all see it differently and that’s fine, that’s why it’s good that you get different answers where not everyone agrees.