My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

This!

There are 457 days in January and everyone is counting down to payday, and to not notice they're £250 down means they're not that skint.

😂😂

Ah, someone who clearly hasn’t seen Julie Christie and Steve McQueen on either side of a chessboard in The Thomas Crown Affair! 🔥

So do you all have Christmas separately? How did he gift it to your dd without you and her siblings being aware?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the gift per se but it would have been better all round to tell you and then adjust her other gifts or slightly increase the others’ presents value

Secret child perhaps.

Think I’d be more concerned why he couldn’t talk to you about this - I wouldn’t be outraged most likely very disappointed….. but I would question his view of you. The fact he’s asked D to keep quiet about it needs a discussion too.

So just out of interest he bought it gave it her and told you don’t know as she obviously didn’t thank you for it, I think you need to spend more on the other 2 at birthday or send them some cash just because dd would love it doesn’t mean she gets preferential treatment if other kids find out they won’t be happy he should have told you after he bought it at least because your dd thinks it’s of just him.

But not necessarily at the same time. One of your other children might need £250 for something in 6 months or so and he could potentially help them out financially.

Bought from the joint account. 😐

You might think that he has to spend the same on all of them, but he obviously doesn't. If it was a one off, new flat gift, combined with Christmas, it wasn't for you to tell him no. When the others have a new home, then you do the same. Otherwise life is bloody joyless. It's a gift that she will get lots of use out of and looks good, as a decoration. It's the lying part that isn't great. But you need to reflect on how controlling you are.

Why? Life doesn't always have to be 100% equal for everyone at all times. You sound really controlling. I think that you should take this incident as a wake up call to be less bossy and schoolmarmish.

That made me roll my eyes so damn hard. There's always someone hanging around, trying to insert an affair into every thread 🙄 🥱.

Oh here we go...🙄

Your outrage explains why he didn't tell you.
I can't imagine a world where my siblings and I got exactly the same value item ALL the time.
That's a ridiculous expectation, and it's likely something will come up for the other children at different times.

Oh good lord. You really think a chess set is a 'mistress' gift!? Now I've heard it all 😂

YABU. If you are normally this bossy, I don't wonder he hid it from you. The only way I'd be upset about this is if this is a regular pattern of favouring that one child. Is it?

She’s bought her first home and her Dad has bought her a chess board as it’s a shared interest they have and he thought it would match the decor. He’s kept it under the radar so it’s their little thing.

Bloody hell, I think millions of women would chop their arm off for a husband like this! Cut the poor bloke some slack.

He seems like a loving Dad.

No one will tell me what I can and can’t spend money on. Read some of the threads where blokes are blowing the universal credit on coke and hookers - then you’d have a genuine reason to be angry, hurt and outraged. But this?????

I would do some self reflection on why he felt he had to hide it from you.

If the kids are zealously calculating how much you have spent on their siblings, that's your problem. Not your husband treating his own child to what sounds like an extremely thoughtful present.

Money =/= love, OP.

Yet it took you 24 days to notice!

Most people would have noticed before now if their bank account was short by £250 especially if they couldn’t afford to lose it. You only noticed as you accessed your Etsy account.

Do you just have a problem with your husband not clearing this purchase with you first?

Assuming your DH works, he does have the right to buy things without your say so.

It sounds a lovely thing to do if he can afford it - and he tried to keep it on the downlow so he actually didn't need to spend on the others!

I think in my family it would balance out over time?

I do understand if finances tight but if out of the budget he has he wanted to treat her, within a normal family context it seems a little uptight to mind so much?

Apparently you can 😆

You’re over simplifying it, as are many others. He lied about it, it’s from shared money, he asked the child to lie about it to her Mum and siblings, he used some of OP’s money to buy the gift but denied her a ‘thank you’ If he had a problem with the £100 budget then he should have had an adult conversation with his wife about it. He didn’t ask and get denied, he did it without talking to her.

The secrecy was the thing that was wrong.

See it as a flat-warming present, and get something special for the others when they set up home.

@Shillie, would it help you to think of it as a house-warming gift rather than a Christmas gift. So it's a separate thing altogether. You mentioned DD is in a new flat.