My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

They are adults not children and it’s a new flat gift, couldn’t get mad at that. Sounds thoughtful.

He is deceitful because she is controlling. This situation is of her making.

It sounds utterly magnificent.

YABVU

From what you have said about your financial set up your husband used his personal spends to buy a present for one of his daughters…In this situation I would say that the fact he had to hide this from you reflects badly on you OP, not him.

And he sounds deceitful.

And the children sound like they are caught up in that.

I think you sound controlling.

I think he should be able to treat her if he wants to. Sounds like a lovely present. I think you sound quite controlling so I would have done what DH did.

Your children are adults and as adults it’s really a case of it’s your money your choice. That is always how I have seen my parents choices regarding their money anyway. But I guess you can be annoyed that yoyr dh didn’t discuss it with you first. Maybe something to have a good chat about (and I don’t think getting angry about it will improve the situation - more likely justify his choice to himself to keep it from you).

Sorry, whaaat? 🤔😂

I think you are focussed too much on the cost. On occasion I've found the perfect present for $10 (a budgie). If the recipient loves the present, I don't think cost is overly relevant. Unless DH always gets costly gifts for one and cheap gifts for the others. Which it doesn't sound like. He just saw something unique and perfect and thought DD would love it.

It isn’t overreacting if the OP paid for it, which she did, fifty percent.

I probably wouldn't have bought the chess set as a 'Christmas' gift, I'd have bought it as a 'house warming' present. Was DH looking at it from that angle?
I wouldn't have concealed my purchase from my dp though and tbh I'd be worried if I needed to. Maybe the sharing of finances isn't working for both of you anymore.

You are over reacting. Your DH is allowed to make a decision which he considers a correct decision. He obviously didn't tell you because he thought you would object. And he was right. You are making it an issue.
Ok one child had mo re spent on her at Xmas. Buy extra birthday presents for the other two if you are so annoyed. I hope her siblings won't make a fuss.Surely they don't count the exact value of gifts. If so it is rather greedy. They should realize you would probably even it out another time.

I’ve got 2 brothers. We used to take it in turns to get a big gift at Christmas. Was a win situation from me as I got their old tech. I never would have counted how much they got compared to mine

as PP have said it more of a housewarming pressie than Christmas. I do think it’s a bit off he said it was a pressie from him when out of the joint account

My mother has this obsession of spending the same on everyone and making it ‘fair’.
I don’t get it. If you see something that’s perfect for someone and you can afford it. Just get it.
I’m sure things will even themselves out over time.

Special colour how @Shillie ? I’m very keen to learn more about it and how it matches her decor! please tell us! (Is it a copper set? Goes with rose gold?….)

I bought a brass and pewter chess set in Florence about 30 years ago from a wonderful antique shop and then a beautiful wooden board in Copenhagen a few years later - souvenirs from work trips, and 30 years on DH and I still play and have always had it on show.

So It’s a lovely gift BUT your DH is being massively unreasonable hiding this, and treating the kids unfairly. What did you think your DD got? Did you get her a £100 gift which turned out to be in addition to the set? That’s 350£, so equity with all DC would cost over a grand! 😮😬

Treating dc the same is about concept more than dollar value.
As life goes on different children will need you in different ways. Sometimes one needs more help at a certain time than others.
In the end it will balance out.

As a one off it’s fine, you sound over dramatic and, dare I say it, controlling.
“I wouldn’t agree”. 😬 Which is presumably why he hid it.
Obviously if he was consistently spending 3x more on DD than the other two there would be an issue but a less dramatic response would be to just aim for bigger birthday / Christmas gifts for the others over the next few years till it evens out.

I find this all really odd. We have never spent the same on our children. Treating children equally doesn’t mean spending the same as long as they are all treated fairly.

I would say you're over reacting and just make sure you spent the same on all of them, but as you've said you can't afford to do that so he shouldn't really. I would save it for her birthday and spend equal amounts on the others for theirs (assuming its easier being able to space out the birthdays).

I got the impression that the money he used came out of his personal spending money. Which he would have been free to spend on what every wanted.

He should have discussed the purchase butIt was a lovely thoughtful gift and sometimes things aren’t equal between DC.

You mean its one less thing for you to insinuate unfounded irrelevant allegations about.

Or else you'll what?

I've voted YABU not because I agree with favouritism but there is something of the 'my way or the high way' with OP.