My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

I'd be very hurt also that DH went behind my back and received me.

I'd be furious and gift the other DC the £250 to buy themselves something they would like. I will not tolerate unequal gifts for DC.

@NightOwlNutter Pointless resurrection of an old out of date thread so you can practice your AIing. Just why?

He lied to her and then got the daughter to lie - how is that alright? It was out of joint money as well without discussion so no that is not alright!

A £250 chess set, bought secretly, on joint finances, with your own daughter roped into keeping it from you and her siblings - what a cheeky fucker, honestly, you'd be well within your rights to be absolutely livid over this.
The bit that really stands out is his own reasoning: he admits he didn't tell you because he knew you'd say no. That's not an oversight or a busy-Christmas slip, that's a deliberate decision to bypass an agreement you both made about joint spending, because he knew the answer would be "we can't justify that for one child." Knowing you'd object and going ahead anyway isn't a grey area, that's exactly what secrecy means.
A few things worth being firm about:

Getting DD to lie to you is not okay, full stop - and it shouldn't be treated as a minor detail. This isn't just "he kept a secret," he actively asked his daughter to deceive her own mother and her siblings and made her complicit in that deception. A 25-year-old shouldn't be put in the position of keeping secrets from her mum on her dad's behalf, and normalising that "it's fine to lie to Mum if Dad asks" is a genuinely damaging precedent, for her and for how she sees honesty in this family. That's not a side issue next to the money, it might be the bigger problem of the two.

This isn't really about chess sets or flat decor. It's about him deciding unilaterally that one child deserves £350 while the other two get £100, using money that's supposed to be agreed jointly.

Him calling you dramatic is a deflection, not a defence. Being called dramatic after he's the one who lied and dragged your daughter into it would send anyone into orbit. That's not an overreaction; that's the correct amount of fury for being gaslit about your own valid anger. He doesn't get to flip the story, so his behaviour is the reasonable one and your anger is the problem.

If this gets let go, it sets the terms for next time. If the response to "I hid a purchase and got our daughter to lie for me" is that it blows over with no real consequence, the lesson he takes from it is that secrecy and pulling the kids in as cover works, as long as he's willing to weather a bit of anger afterwards. Letting it go quietly doesn't just forgive the chess set, it tells him deceit is an acceptable strategy whenever he predicts you'll object.

Joint finances means joint decisions, full stop. If he wanted to spend more on one child, the conversation should have happened before the purchase, not been avoided because he predicted your answer.

You're not being over the top for feeling this angry - sneaking around on shared money and dragging your own daughter into lying about it is genuinely low, and it deserves to be called exactly that: a cheeky fucker move, plain and simple. This needs addressing directly and firmly - the secrecy and what he asked of your daughter deserve just as much pushback as the money itself, if not more.

I think it is wonderful considerate gift, I understand your complex emotions around this. I have two who are vety close in age (2 under 2 badge that I wear with pride!). But such thoughtfulness and generosity is a can be a good thing!

perhaps the insult is more that he did not discuss this and give you the opportunity to work out a solution together. You have many more gift giving opportunities and your generosity can be spread over many years, just work out a schedule or wait until the others need some extra help and you can assist then. Children seem to frequently need extra stuff and they sound like they would be reasonable too, maybe ask their opinion on what has happened, they as surprise you.

you have got this , let go of the rage and see the way forward and explain the pain it has caused you. You sound like a great ballance!

Dear god, so what, can you remember how much was spent on you as a child, why do they have to have the same spent on them? Surely they will have different needs at different times. Can’t you have some your own monies to do what you like with. This all sound very controlling to me.

OP I think your reaction is way over the top. It would seem he was right, you would have said no and not let him buy it. You sound a bit mean.

i think everyone else saying they would be really hurt needs to give their head a wobble, it’s a gift for his DD. As an adult he can do what he wants… he doesn’t need permission.

This situation should have a solution (one without lying to you and you vetoing it).

It isn't overly excessive. And you don't need to give everyone the same price gifts at the same time.

Could you just log it somehow together and balance it over the time?

Sometimes MN is like a foreign country.

Maybe you need to try to get out of your bubble (and the very comfortably off Mumsnet bubble), bones.

I really, really hate this.
£100 is what their family do, and have done for years.
It is normal for them.
Who are you to police what is or is not an acceptable amount to spend on Christmas?
And if it is normal for them then he isn't going to be going - Oh I need to buy her something else, because that is what they spend. And if he does feel that, how come he didn't feel it for the other 2 kids?

We need to really get away from the idea that you have to spend a certain amount at Christmas. It pushes families into debt. I know the OP can afford it, but many can't and it is OK to say - our budget is xxx amount.

If £100 is normal for your family - for whatever reason - then that is fine.

I'd be very hurt he told DD to keep the gift secret from me. He should have suggested DD have it as her main gift for Xmas from you both as joint finances. Instead he made DD know this gift was from him and you were not to know about it. I'd gift other 2 DC £250 each from joint account just to show DH you won't tolerate him overtly favouring DD. I wouldn't mind the gift it's the hiding it from me that I would be upset about.

So you were ok when you thought he had treated himself OP? But ‘angry’ when you found out it was for your DD…. Bizarre. Your ‘children’ are all adults and surely able to deal with a discrepancy in gifts.

100 is extremely low from parents so I'm not surprised he got him something.

but presumably you intend to also spend more on the 4 year old when they get older? You aren't intending to massively outspend on the 10 year old for the rest of their lives? It's just that the 4 year old doesn't need as much at the moment (and also, unlike OP's DC, isn't old enough to understand how much different things cost anyway).

That's the difference here - OP's DH doesn't seem to have any intention of buying anything similar (and by "similar" I mean "a special gift that references their shared interest that they wouldn't be able to buy themselves", rather than "spending the exact amount on an equivalent") for the other DC. He didn't say "Of course I'll get X something when they move out," or "You're not taking into account the £££ we spend on Y's music lessons every year," or "it might not cost £250 but I spent ages queuing up to get that signed Taylor Swift album/favourite footballer's poster last year for Z's birthday."

He kept it secret because he has no intention of doing the same for the others. OP basically said that DD is his favourite and he is essentially rewarding her for having the same interests as him, and punishing the other DC for not sharing them. Which is unfair, and poor parenting.

That's why it's wrong, not a slavish insistence on spending the exact amount on each DC down to the penny!

Honestly ,I can't see what the fuss is about. Your DH bought something special for his DC. Something she would love. He didn't tell you because he wanted to avoid an argument. He was right. You have posted on this thread.
Surely when you are married you can make your own decision now and then. This is a lovely gift. Most siblings don't go around counting how much is spent on each of them. If they do you can reassure them that their turn will c ome
An extra special birthday present maybe. My only issue is if he couldn't really afford it and essential purchases are compromised.
O2therwise be happy for her. Don't make her feel guilty.

I wouldn't be happy, but think you are massively overreacting...

Just even up the other kids later.

It is a chess set not a chess board. £250 just for a board would have been a bit OTT

Well he was right wasn’t he? You did just say no. 😂

If you have a joint account why didn’t you notice the payment ?

I always check my bank account and to have an extra £250 out of it esp around Xmas would be obvious

yes wrong to have brought it esp as already had a present and the fact he didn’t say to you

is dh likely to play with it with dd. So kinda a pressie for himself ?

I have found this thread fascinating. I am actually surprised that so many people don't have a problem with it.

I would have issues with this

1. we have joint finances for stuff like this. For us £250 is a large purchase and a significant amount. I would be taken aback that that much had been spent without us agreeing jointly. Unless this is normal spending eg fixing car. That is not being controlling, it is making joint decisions
2. it is unfair to spend £350 on one and £100 on the other. If he had been up front, then it would have been £250 v. £100, because it would be her present. While I don't think you have to penny count, I do think there has to be seen to be fairness. That doesn't mean the others get extra now. It might mean that you look out for a way in which you can give an extra gift to the others in the next year or so. Loads of people saying it is fine to spend more on one than the other, I see so many threads on mn about favouritism, how do your 3 kids view their relationship with Dad? Do they think he has a favourite?
3. I would be very uncomfortable with the - don't tell mum and don't tell your siblings. That is really off and would upset me a lot.

On the plus side, I think it is lovely that he say this and thought of her and how much it suited her and her new flat. I think that is lovely, and a wonderful reflection of their relationship. The best present are bought this way. Would he/could he do the same for the others? If not I think that answers the favouritism question

Isn’t it best to buy a well thought out gift for each of them rather than be restrained by budget. Something that means more, such as the gift in debate.

I don’t how people can be so cool about a husband purposely going behind his wife’s back, gifting 3 x the amount that the other siblings received when its joint family money and they can’t really afford it and then told his favourite child daughter to keep quiet about it!
What world do you people live in?!
@Shillie, I’d be furious too. Incredibly deceitful and unfair.

Massive overreaction IMO

I bought DC1 a bike for xmas and DC2 a couple of little bits. Mainly because of their age, but doesn’t mean i favour one child and if my DH had told me off for wanting to spend money on one of my kids, i’d have told him to fuck off.