Husband says he doesn't want to parent

Divorce him. You don't have a partner

He's autistic and adhd. That doesn't 'deserve' latitude (lassitude?) but it explains a lot about why he's so selfish, rigid and limited. Neurodivergence in adults is complicated and often impacts the capacity to parent in fundamental ways. I don't know when this man was diagnosed and likely OP had kids with him before she understood his needs but they are what they are. Might as well expect pigs to fly as expect him to turn into a neurotypical man.

I'd divorce him before he wrecks your finances with his non-working and then university costs.

What an awful sounding man. I agree with the poster who said he was planning to leave btw. Subconsciously people who are committed do not propose these kind of arrangements to be away from their wife and children.

Your posts about AuDHD as a factor are also frustrating. You seem to be giving this man a huge amount of latitude in consequence.

I predict by the time your children are adults they will have a very poor relationship with their father. He doesn’t sound bothered. The difficult bits about child rearing when young are fundamental to a good relationship and emotional security for them when they are older. He is shortchanging all of you. Are you going to let him use AuDHD to do it?

He's AuDHD. He's not likely to change or get better, he likely can't in any significant way. So you'll have to spend the fancy money he's making on more childcare and home help.

If he’s struggling with parenting, why isn’t he on here posting? Suggest it to him.

And/or he could pay for a nanny. If there’s a patch of parenting that you’re really shit at, and you have money, buy more support.

In the end, if the chips are really down and you don’t like what’s happening, cut your hours and blow up your career the way women have always had to do when men just won’t do an acceptable standard of parenting for the only children they, or you, will ever have.

My H was like this. He wanted kids but couldn't cope with the parenting. Think he was happy for some time as I did absolutely everything and he dipped in and out of the fun parts. In his defence he was/is working crazy hours and has a high stress job and I'm pretty sure he's autistic and he does genuinely struggle with his mental health. I thought I was doing the right thing by doing everything so he could carry on working and to take the stress off him a bit. Then after around 10 years he said he didn't feel like he was part of the family, felt lonely and left. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be parents. I don't know. He loves DC but still has little contact with them. I stopped trying to force it and I'm focusing on my own relationship with them. I think he'll miss out in the future as DC and I have a wonderful relationship and we have such good times together, whereas H will probably have a more distant relationship (which mirrors his relationship with his dad, unsurprisingly).

No advice really but this is just what happened to us. Not sure if insisting he did the parenting would have made any difference really. He probably would have left sooner. 🫠 Hope you guys are able to have a conversation about it and find a solution that works for everyone. It is hard when the kids are young!

He is always going to live in his head and not be very present.

He is unlikely to change.

As someone with ADHD, I can see his reasoning, novelty, etc. Done his job, now seeking novelty and new stuff and is resourced to do so.

However, that does not fit with having kids (are they adhd too, btw? Given feral comment and heritable characteristics) and the mundane work of caring for small childen is never going to be his priority...

Time to get your own therapist/coach/AI chatbot and work out if you want to continue to be the default parent and adult here?

A 5 year course 2 hours away?? He’s completely taking the piss with this proposal.

Do you want this marriage to continue? Because it doesn’t sound like he’s bothered at all.

Did he actually want to have children? I assume so or you wouldn’t have two.

Regardless of whether he finds it depressing or not, he IS their parent and he needs to actually parent. He doesn’t get to abdicate all responsibility to you and disappear off to a uni course and come back in a few years.

He is being hugely unfair both to you and to your children, and I suspect his behaviour will do permanent damage to his relationship with all of you.

Edit: I’m not unsympathetic to his feelings. I’m ND and can’t stand the noise/mess/chaos/demands/tedium that is fundamental with small children. Which is why I didn’t have any.

What is the point of him exactly? He’s planning to leave you and the kids to go and behave like a single student for 5 years not too long now and what 🤷‍♀️ there’s no way he’s driving 4 hours a day is there?!! He’s going to be living there and giving up on any parenting that he makes out he’s currently doing which frankly is nil anyway!

I think a nanny/childminder/ au pair sounds like a good idea (the expense /work needs to be shared obviously). Someone who is competent and suited to it. Just sounds like it would be better for the kids - he might be more suited to doing more of the cleaning instead...or maybe not.

I would hate group swimming lessons too, sorry, if it's noisy and crowded.

You have a huge DH problem

Does he present any of these problems at therapy?

What is he like with you outside of the children? Do you have child-free time together (even at home)?

He's already told you he's out to a 5 year program 2 hours away when your youngest is in school so get your ducks in order now. That's effectively giving you notice he'll be moving out. See a lawyer to see what your rights are and what you'll be entitled to if you divorce. Do not quit your job, you're going to need to be self supporting. Hire the nanny. He's not just disinterested in being a parent, he's got plans to leave it all to you that he's told you about.

Did he do 50/50 before children? Did you discuss how you planned to parent before you had kids? What are his parents like in respect of parenting?
And lastly my late DH was useless with little kids, he also had autism and adhd. He really didn't have a clue, but improved when they were able to converse properly and they all had shared interests. You say he has therapy once a week, what exactly is that for?

Oh and the childcare he does amounts to malicious compliance - “lets them run riot”.

What does he bring to the table exactly?

He doesn’t work apart from a few meetings and planning (unpaid, future investment).

You work (employed, paid) three days a week.
For your work days, you arrange outside childcare.
You do the bulk of the work of running a home and family.

He has ample leisure and alone time
The solo childcare he does amounts to one day with one child where the child does an activity and presumably nursery pick ups and drop offs on the days you’re working.

You are carrying him entirely.