Husband says he doesn't want to parent

Uni?! 😂😂😂 how did you keep a straight face? Id have assumed my DP was joking in your situation.

What is the point of him exactly? Apart from just draining everyone around him.

Sorry I know thats not useful.

Did you know he had two disabilities effecting executive function, planning, life admin, organisation, procrastination, socialising, flexibility etc before you married and had kids? If he has autism and ADHD then these will affect his ability to parent, to stay on top of housework, to engage in less motivating tasks etc. I’m not giving him an excuse, but the reality of living with a disabled partner is there will be some things they can’t do as easily as somebody who is not disabled. Is he medicated for his ADHD?

Tell him to step up or piss off!
He doesn't want to do it, is trying to get you to do it all, and is busy finding ways to make it impossible for him to do it.

@Youlookgorge
What is the 5 year uni course he is planning on doing? Is it medicine, architecture, psychology? If medicine, it is very full on, and he could end up with placements a very long way away from the family home - would you all uproot for that? If architecture, it is very full on, and he will end up with a huge loan, absolutely diabolical work-life balance, and a paltry salary afterwards. If psychology, I understand that employment prospects may be difficult…

Re-training for 5 years, incurring a huge loan, and either commuting for hours or living away from home seems incredibly self-indulgent, and not rooted in reality - the reality of having a young family.

Why are you children feral as you put it? That's not normal at any age. They most definitely should be having fun but they should also know how to behave.

What a baby.

I can't say I adored every moment of parenting at that age either, I just recognised that I still have a responsibility to do my share.

If he is happy for you to do twice as much work so he can do less, he isn't a loving partner.

If he's struggling with his bond with your dc, he needs to step up and spend more time with them.

Not only is he a shit dad and DH NOW, he's planning on leaving you in the future too! This man does not put his family or marriage first. Divorce and get a nanny.

He lets them run riot? Has anyone said anything to him when hes out with the kids. I certainly do when i come across a parent like this who lets their kids run around a coffee shop. How would he react if it was a stranger pointing this out to him

You are in effect a single parent.
Shut the door on the way out Joe and don't worry, CMS will be in touch with you.

You need to start setting yourself up for single parenthood. If he moves two hours away for uni he's never coming back.

You need a brilliant full time nanny , paid for by him. There's no point forcing him to do activities he hates
To be fair, there can't be many worse things than taking two kids to the swimming baths full of screaming with the screams bouncing off the walls, for a person with ASD.

He's not cut out for childcare especially with toddlers and nothing on earth is going to change this. He might be able to form better relationships with them when they are older, but it's not in their interest to have him hands on, hating every moment and shaming/being nasty to them. It will damage them.

Work out what is necessary to support your career, and maximise your kids' welfare and make him pay for it. In your shoes I would want some sort of fund set aside to pay for childcare into the future.

I had three under 8 as a lone parent. They were never feral. Those children need proper parenting and quick. He’s very lazy and selfish, and has no respect for anyone

What would his plan be if you were not around to raise the children? Either temporarily or permanently.

So he is leaving you all in 2 years?! I’d be glad to get rid of him.

You excuse him a lot OP - he is a SAHP, who does barely any parenting! He is a selfish bastard and won’t change

Again, reading about women and adhd, they tend to double down on the shame and work even harder, often resulting in complete burnout.

You sound like you adore your DC and the joys of ND traits are many, strong-willed and emotional are a good combo!

I would buy in all the help, plan around him and plan for without him too. You can't make someone not be shit, but working to his strengths (whatever they are) is about the best you can do.

He needs to step up though of both of you are working hard to lift businesses up then I would invest in a childminder with some household duties for 2 days at home.

Well you get a neurodiversity diagnosis and then a free pass. I find the number of these men who suddenly develop these challenges after having children fairly suspect. They make their wives and children’s lives quite unpleasant

Playing with and minding small children is hard, mind-numbing work. I can't count the amount of times I've heard that men are just not that suited to it. Who is?!!! 5 minutes of playing play doh feels like an hour to me as does playing 'doctors', 'supermarket' etc. But it has to be done, and done enthusiastically.
Why can't men be bored too? Why can't men just put their heads down and get on with what has to be done?

Dealing with small children isn't everyone's favourite thing to do especially on top of a busy stressful job. But they're there and one person just cant just opt out completely.

You're both past the point where parenting is optional really. The poor lamb.

I would think that his uni course is his escape plan. He can't stand the situation he's in and has found a way out. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but he doesn't seem to be able to deal with the here and now in any meaningful way other than legging it. It depends on whether you want to stay married. Having more paid childcare would make a big difference, it sorts of gets him out of having to do anything or make any meaningful change, it's whether you think it would be better, long term for you and your children to stay or not.

I’d be considering your future carefully. What is best for you and the DC. From what you have said i would end it now.

He is completely focused on himself and is not going to change. This requires you to devote a lot of time and energy to his needs at the expense of the DC and your own. That’s not sustainable. The resentment will continue to build. Better to end it now before you hate him

In a way, you would think a man with these neurological challenges would, if he was committed to his family, go and find some way himself to address it. Instead he needs a university course miles away.

AuDHD does not mean stupid, does it? In fact he has arranged himself this nice life and is probably one of those awful men who will fight to retain the appearance of being an involved father if you ever did divorce him OP and his alleged diagnosis of AuDHD would be of minor relevance to contact.

Do NOT have another child with him!

I note the AuADHD and merely observe what many mothers who have AuADHD say on MN ie generally they find a way to manage and do not opt out of parenting

Then if he’s useless isn’t he? I mean he sounds useless.

This woman is better off getting a divorce rather than pretzel herself and her kids around this man. His neurological issues are presented as the reason he can’t do stuff. She should take him at his word, not spend her time managing him. She will get nothing but contempt in return