Husband says he doesn't want to parent

Pack a bag and disappear for a few days and tell none of them

But he already never has them for long periods.

Op, start detaching from this selfish loser.
Get as much paid care in place as possible and get every single qualification that you can.

You need to see this period as a holding position to get the children to school going age.
Let him pay for the best care for them.
Don't argue about it, just do it.
Keep careful notes, a journal, going forward, and get legal advice, so that when he does abandon you and the children for university you can get every penny you can for them.

You will be wasting time arguing or trying to change him.
Men like this make shit husbands and fathers.
Accept it and make provisions for how you move forward in the best position possible.

From what you say, he sounds incapable of parenting the children adequately when left alone with them. It seems to me that trying to insist that he does so is not the way forward, and it maybe helpful if you accept that it will be damaging to your children if you leave them in his care for long periods at this time in their life. Therefore the options are for you to care for them, or for you to share the care with a nanny. It may not feel right or just, but sometimes we just have to accept situations. I’m not suggesting he isn’t a good husband. I think there are plenty of mothers who have accepted that their partner can’t parent young children. (Maybe some fathers have accepted this too).

What is he actually contributing to your life?

Has he thought about how he’d cope with the kids alone if you left him for being so incredibly selfish?

My ex was a workaholic who didn't enjoy parenting either.
I left him.
He is now an excellent parent.
It's amazing what men do and enjoy when you're not facilitating or making excuses for them.

Honestly, the more stories I read like this, and the longer I live in my similarly unfair reality, I stronger I feel that young women should just stay away from men until they they’ve been taught how to actually meaningfully participate in family life. OP I just would just make the stand, make it now, and tell him you’re not prepared to be the default parent. If that’s what he wants then you will happily seperate and then you can both have dedicated time to yourself. It’s just shit. My husband has autism and is also hyper-focused on work. It means I don’t have a life - I work, look after the house / children / admin but have nothing left to look after me. It’s just useless in a relationship in 2026 when both parents work and the world around us is bonkers and so involved.

If I were you I'd ask myself two questions.

1. Do I want to be married to him? (Without casting judgement, I wouldn't want to be married to him.)

2. Would I be happier without him?

If you do want to stay married, you could make it a condition that HE pays for the nanny / childcare / household help that will make life easier for you and nicer for your children. You could force him into doing more, but if he's horrible to your kids...

Tell him you don't want to parent either and tell him to call social services. He is getting away with it cause you let him.

Repeat after me. Children are not the mother’s sole responsibility.

What a failure of a man. Have you explained to him that he is really trying to opt out adulthood? That is how I see it.
I became the SAHP because I could not get a suitable job and wife retrained. If I could do it and make it work anyone can.

Not everyone is a natural parent but he needs to learn how to.
They run riot with him because they spot a weakness! Kids are canny.

He has to step up, he has no choice really, these are his kids too. He's not working, you are. Him going to uni is fine, but not if it takes away his time at home again and leaves everything to you.

Well he already does no parenting so it won't be much different if he goes off and does his course. Does he realize how little he already does and what a poor example of a father he currently is? It is pretty sad, but he just isn't interested in his children.

He has put you on notice. He has no plans to continue with family life.

Exactly what I was going to say. How did I guess that he was going to be ND 🙄

Sorry OP but I can't see that he is actually doing anything with his day? Maybe that is why he is "depressed" as he has no purpose!

I took it as though op, and her dh are at work on those 3 days?

Now sure why a parent would be shaming a small child whilst changing a nappy, and i absolutely don’t want to know what he said but your child is a small vulnerable being that he helped create…… it doesn’t sound like he should be involved in their general or intimate care and I would definitely if you can afford it replace him with someone qualified and dbs checked.
I fact I think you and your children would probably benefit more from him not being involved.

No it's not normal for kids to be feral.

Given OP's DH is ND it's quite possible the DC are too, and trust me this can very much come across as feral. Especially if needs are not being met. My DC could be EXTREMELY loud and hyper, never sit still and hectic at home.

Op there could be a middle ground here, has he lots more free time or just more free time compared to when he was a workaholic? Pick ups and drop offs etc aren’t nothing, when you haven’t done them it’s hard to get into. Also you say the kids run riot with him, my dh says that about me when actually our kids are chaotic and I’ve seen them as bad with him.

I think you both think the other has it easier and need to start getting your bitterness out before you’re broken up.

If he has sold a business presumably there is some money around.

i’d suggest to him that as he doesn’t seem to like spending time with the children he pays for a nanny.

to be fair when I had twins I got them in at Childminder from nine months one day a week just so I could sleep! But it sounds like he already has three days out of seven away from them.

Typical man behaviour. Most men would weasel out of housework and childcare if they only could. You deserve to have a life and a career too. Imagine you give up everything because poor guy can’t cope with home responsibilities, and he leaves you for a younger woman in 10 years. You will be left with a huge gap in hour CV and very low chances of meaningful employment. He wanted these children and contributed to their creation. You didn’t force him with a gun to his head. He wanted this and now he needs to take responsibility for the less pleasant elements of parenthood too

When are your young children going to get engaged interested enthusiastic parenting? They deserve so much more. The attitude to looking after young children on this board is so poor. Watch and help them learn and grow notice all the skills they are learning instead of seeing them as mind numbingly boring and find someone poorly paid to replace you.

Exactly, he’s not depressed he’s having a childish strop because he doesn’t want to parent. He needs to grow up. Please don’t allow him to do this.