Husband says he doesn't want to parent

Sorry OP but he just sounds like a typical man in my opinion.

Yet ANOTHER man who wanted children but did not want to be a father.

This
Many parents (predominantly women) who are responsible for parenting very young children find it lonely, isolating and exhausting. That is the normal.
Please don't regret retraining and pursuing your career just as because your husband finds it hard.
As pp said, your kids are in nursery 3 days a week.
Take care OP.
Hope you are able to talk about this

Oh dear, I'm sorry, but you have 3 children here.

I'm really wondering, if you have the money to pay for a full time nanny, why you're still in this relationship?

You do all the domestic work, you earn the money and now he wants to opt out to do a university course? All he does is a couple of hours here & there!

I hope that he's really good in bed because I can't see what else there is to commend him.

I rarely say this, but you would be better off on your own.

Yep, I’ve heard it said (some) men want kids in the same way that children want puppies.

Meaning they don’t want the actual responsibility and may soon lose interest.

You rarely hear of men reporting that their ND wives don’t want to parent.

Let’s face it society has created a situation where it’s semi-acceptable for a man ND or not, to opt out of parenthood.

These men know their limitations before, they rarely even stop at one child and go onto have more. This is because like most men they’re obsessed with their so-called “legacy” and carrying on their genes, but not so obsessed with actually being a good father.

ND women cope and figure out ways to manage because they’re driven by love, a sense of responsibility and quite frankly social expectations.

The men who opt out just don’t love enough and society doesn’t come down on men hard enough for being like this.

Sorry but there’s no excuse for it.

I’ve said this before on here but a lot of men don’t want to parent. They want kids, because it’s the done thing in their eyes, or possible it’s an ego thing, but once they are lumbered with the responsibility of children, they’re not up for it.

If you can afford more paid help, then get it, but do not let him use that as an excuse to avoid parenting or to leave all of the home/parent responsibilities with you. All that will end up happening is he'll go off to uni or find other things to occupy his time, while you spend all of your free time doing things for others (parenting, housework, working etc.).

My Au-ADHD husband went through a similar phase when our child was born - massively struggled to adjust to the loss of free time and to see value in time spent with a baby, as in his mind he wasn't being 'productive'. It took a while but he now realises that playing, learning, quality time etc. is the 'job' he's doing when he's providing childcare, and he will eventually get his free time back when they're a bit older. We have childcare three days a week and I work full-time so he does childcare on two days - one is a 'play at home' day and the other is a day out for the two of them. Could he look into some activities he'd possibly enjoy more (trampolining, outdoor centers, toddler cinema sessions etc.)?

Couples counselling might be a good idea, if you can get the time? You don't know how he's presenting things in his sessions and it might take an outsider to spell it out for him.

So what does he say when you point out that being, and continuing to be a husband and a father isn’t all about what he wants you have to put what the children need first, whatever that is. And it’s money and time.

They might be both in school in a few years but school day ends at 3.30pm it’s not like they can commute themselves and come home and make food.

Have you talked about the possibly of your children being ND? Not a certainty but what ifs are good to run through, if they need extra help is he going to be there.

He needs to let go of this selfishness and tunnel vision which I understand is can be more difficult with ND but he is part of two adults who brought two new humans into this world and he needs to start behaving like it. ND or not we as adults and parents have to take responsibility for what we do and yes bringing up kids can be boring, repetitive and difficult, it’s thankless and expensive. But tough titties buttercup that is what you have done.

I would tell him if he wants to remain part of your two adult two kid household that he can do what he likes once xyz is covered, time outside of that (which will be very little)!is his own.

He could do an open university degree whilst kids in school and once they have gone to bed, from the comfort of his household in the time he has available.

But this probably won’t happen - you will effectively be a single parent within a marriage and he will swoop in when he feels like it, you will then feel grateful and he will happily take the praise when people say what nice kids or when they achieve something.

You need to nip this in the bud now, kids need more time outside school hours as they get older, its different, but still they need homework, school admin, uniforms, activities and emotional support with social issues as well as fun family time.

Talk to him seriously- he needs to understand how low down the selfish pecking order he has become.

The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age

I thought YANBU until I read this.

Not normal at any age.

The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age

I thought YANBU until I read this.

Not normal at any age.

When I read in your OP:

He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself

I thought immediately of the two couples I've known where the husband responded in this way. Both turned out to have ASD, as yours does. In one case, the wife took on all the childcare, with family support, and the husband has a relationship with his late teen kids, but there's a distance (which he understands, he's a decent man in lots of ways).

In the other case, there was a divorce - later perhaps than it should have been - and a lot of fallout, including for the kids who have a very fractured relationship with their father.

In neither case was the Dad able to fundamentally change, it would have been better for both families if the ASD was known about before kids and they'd been able to come to terms with the fathers not being able to parent in the expected way and accept more radical 'solutions'.

Just two possibly unrepresentative anecdotes I realise.

This

”depressed” my arse.

He just wants you to do it all rather than him

'The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age'

Nope.

Maybe you both would benefit from parenting classes.

OP is he planning to keep the business running and keep financially contributing when he is at uni?

If not, he is demanding that you not only take care of the kids be it directly or through a nanny but also to bankroll everything.

It would be a hard no for me!

This is the kind of man who will will leave after he has sucked you dry.

Sorry to be so personal, @Youlookgorgebut are you still sexually intimate with your DH?

Because having a partner so useless is a massive ick, isn't it?

I sometimes wish there was a test to see who can parent and who cant because some people just cant. I've long felt that some people just shouldn't have kids. It's axskill some just don't have. I wish more people would realise that. Some people should not be parents.

Some people just cant do it and it's got nothing to do with laziness. Their brains literally cant do what is required.

Add in weqponised incompetence too, also... why is he stating he will be doing a fulltime uni course 2 hours away?

It seems youd be better single.without extra parrner who is acting like a twenty year old

That would be me. So guess what. I didn't have them

Some people just cant do it. It's as simple as that.

Your children once old enough will realise that their Father doesn’t really want them around or care for them, that will leave some sort of lasting consequences I imagine especially if he stays living within the house.

Full time nanny os a good idea short term.

It sounds like theres a lot of cash sloshing about right now.

Go see and decent divorce lawyer and get the lay of the land... ideally Id want to get myself and the kids away from him before all the cash is tied up and hidden in businesses.

He can pop in once a fortnight for a few hours. In reality it wont make much of a difference to the kids lives (if anything it might be positive given his verbal abuse) and yours will be a lot easier.

Is there actually any discussion happening about getting pregnant or is having children some kind of default. Seems a lot of men have kids they don't actually want.
This is possibly why it falls to the female. When they are pregnant they have a choice if they want to be a parent or not but men no longer have a say